Closing of a Season... a New one Begins :)

hello world.

i wrote a whole thing out that was quite raw and intense... 

but i erased it...  

Felt like it's to be shared at another time.... 

so on another note!

it's been an exciting season.

i'm baffled by God's leadership in my life.

five months ago He asked me to leap another direction that seemed opposite of my dreams.

little did i realize that He planned to truly change my life..

i feel like as I have chosen to step away from the familiar it has given me perspective to really see things as they truly are...   

COMING ALIVE

the other day i was walking through a golf course...  the sun was setting, and the mountains were looking blue on the horizon...  the grass was so lush and green...  and all of a sudden i found myself rolling around in that finely cut strip of lawn, just because i wanted to feel it on my skin...   

sounds very simple and random i know...  but in that moment i realized something had shifted in my heart...    i think i'm learning to LIVE..   i'm learning to ENJOY life...  

it's been a season of much rest... no agenda... living in an empty house all by myself..  reading the bible with fresh eyes...  daring to question what i have always heard was true...  

i am finding so much liberty in my heart...  as I quiet myself to listen to Truth from His Word and His Spirit, rather than just waiting on others to teach it to me..  or quickly jumping on the next ministry vision that is promised to be the bible being fulfilled before our eyes.... many times Christianity can be defined for us by teachers or thriving ministries...  yet we don't take the time to quiet ourselves to hear God ourselves...   

RESTING IS GOOD

i believe that taking a time where it's just you and Him is wise..

if you've been saturated in a ministry for a while...  giving yourself non-stop to something.

i would say that it's healthy to take break to put your heart before the Lord and to have Him show you if your ideas line up with the Word, and if your identity is in Him, or if it's in what you're doing for Him..   Find God for yourself my friends, hear the knowledge of His will as you sit quietly before Him in the secret place...  and maybe don't be so quick to facilitate how to execute His plan, but learn to agree with them in your heart behind closed doors.   

i feel so thankful to God that He interrupted my "plans" -- and asked me to go the opposite direction of what I was assuming was best....    I am so grateful for His wisdom...  i truly feel like He has changed my life.

AS I STEP FORWAD

I have questioned the Lord so many times this summer "God what is next, what do you have for me??"  I realized that I had to just embrace the moment and not plan ahead...  and in perfect timing He would show me the next step...  

I love the poetry of how it all unfolded...  

I decided that i was just going to get a job...  i felt like i would be moving back to colorado to work in the corporate world as an administrator to save money to finish my degree in business management and get some dental work done...     i was beginning to feel peace about this but wasn't telling a soul -- realizing that when i share my ideas to too many people it just creates confusion...     

then the unthinkable happened...

i had strategic dinner with a couple on a random tuesday night and everything changed..

A PREFACE.

before this dinner, i should give a backdrop..
i was in my favorite coffee shop with my sister.
i was basically yelling at her in a passionate Christian way about what greatness in the kingdom was..
i was in a swirl of sharing my opinions and questions, telling her that I think that having a platform ministry doesn't equate to greatness in the kingdom what so ever...  greatness is living the sermon on the mount...  etc. etc..

all the while there was an older man (a guy who is my dad's age) -- sitting next to us... every now and then i was looking over at his laptop to see if it was the new macbook pro with a retina screen because i want one so bad....  but then realized it wasn't a newer pro,  so i quit paying attention to him...

he got up and walked away, and my sister noticed an envelope he had that was showing his name...  she noticed the name and said "courtney, that guy is a missionary to ethiopia" -- my sis happened to have a good friend who knew this guy....   

so the guy walks back and i stop him in his tracks and i say "hey, do you have any advice for us?"  i knew that he could probably hear our conversation, so he should probably have some input about it.
he was kinda taken back by me asking this question....  but then we told him that we had mutual friends and that we knew he was a missionary in ethiopia...   he began to encourage us in the Lord and beckon us to give our hearts fully to Jesus...    then he asked us our stories, and both mary and i shared a little about why we were up in Idaho...

as i shared, i saw a light go on in his head...  just something shifted, where i knew he felt some sort of connection.  he then mentioned that his wife was in a similar season as me...  and that maybe someday my sis and i could have dinner with them and possibly pray together...   i kinda dismissed the idea not being so appealed by it, but nodded and agreed that i would be up for such a thing...  

weeks go by..

THE DINNER THAT SHIFTED ALL MY PLANS.

then my sister mary was like "that couple wants to have dinner with us on tuesday night.."

i have realized in these past four months in Idaho i have become quite introverted and I haven't exerted too much energy in making new friends...   i feel like it has gotten a bit unhealthy because i feel slightly anti-social and do not want to hang out with anyone other than my family, or people i know already -- i just don't want to invest in new relationships.  

so anyway... mary was really wanting me to go to this dinner and she said this couple was excited to meet up with me... i was pretty hesitant and told her that i would go, but i could only hang for a couple hours (i knew the tricks of the trade, and if i put a time limit, then I can get out quick and not feel pressured to stay longer than i wanted)...  she then disagreed with this idea, so then i just told her that i would drive separate so I could leave if she wanted to stay...  i know, i know, i sound like a jerk... but that's how i felt and i prob need to work on this a bit because sometimes it's a bit overboard..

earlier that day i was praying and felt like before i move to colorado -- i think i may go on a short trip...  it seemed a little random (i knew i wanted to go on a trip in May, but God shut the door... so i pretty much just let it go)....  but that day I just felt peace, like that could possibly happen..

so we drive to this couple's condo. their names are Mark and Sidney. 

these were people who lived in idaho for 18 years before they moved to Africa... 

they were extremely successful up here.  owning their own contracting business where he built multi million dollar homes for people on the lake, she ran a thriving women's ministry teaching woman how to live out Proverbs 31, they had a dream house in the fort grounds area of coeur d'alene, right by the lake -- such a beautiful area...  

they seemed to have quite the life from what i hear...   but then God called them to Ethiopia...so they closed down the contracting business, sold pretty much everything, and moved to ethiopia. 

as they spoke to me it crossed my mind that maybe I would go to ethiopia... i knew earlier that day i was thinking of going on a trip......  but Africa????  yikes... not my top choice...  I mean Europe, New Zealand, Israel...    maybe... but africa?  no way... too dirty, and too many bugs..   but i knew that i was thinking of a trip earlier that day, so I was wondering if this actually could be God...

so after a long evening with these people -- i woke up the next morning and prayed about it..
it was the craziest thing... after waiting for so long to hear where God wanted me to go next...  ethiopia seemed like it made so much sense...  this was quite shocking to my logic, but to my heart -- it just felt like it clicked.

so i hung around Sidney the next few days at a garage sale, and i was just so fascinated by this woman. she was bold, free spirited, and very sincere in Jesus...  she is business minded, elegant, and at the same time like mother theresa, so willing to get down and dirty and serve the poor and love the least of these... i have heard a lot about greatness, to go love the poor and go low... but to see someone who has given their lives to such a thing....  was so intriguing..   i knew i could learn so much just by being around this woman...  my connection with her seemed so divine, like it was destined for me to cross paths with her..   

so after much prayer...

i felt like God opened a big door for me to go LIVE in ethiopia for a while..

but it was a different kind of trip.  

He wasn't inviting me to go there with an ministry agenda like you would a "missions" trip..

He invited me to just go live there. and breathe the air.. to enjoy Him, and to listen to Him as I see His creation on the other side of the earth.... and from this place, learning to be open to let Him minister to those around me out of an overflow of "being".. 

this seemed like a different approach to me for sure -- but it seemed so right so I decided -- 

"I am going to go"!

THE POETRY IN IT ALL.

it was crazy because the day that I got the go ahead in my heart to make a decision happened to play part in a theme...   it was August 10th I decided to go to Africa, and two years ago on SAME DAY - August 10th, i decided to take the leap of faith to move from KC to Colorado...

it just made me feel the reality that God is SO involved...  He knew what my next step would be, but He kindly gave me the answer on August 10th...  He perfectly wrote my story, and it's exciting to see how unfolds it!  

though ethiopia wasn't in my grid of plans, I am realizing God kinda works that way...   when it seems so crazy an unexpected, it's not far off to think that God may be inviting us to an adventure we would have never imagined. 

THE PRACTICAL PLAN

so i will be heading to Ethiopia in two weeks..  Sept 12- Oct 16..  I will be living with Mark and Sidney Launder. 

They have a house in a village called Soddo.  They do not live in a compound like many missionaries would.  They actually live amongst the poor people... surrounded by mud huts...  they simply live life there, sharing the gospel to those they meet, loving on the poor, praying for the sick, and they show the Jesus Film to those in their surrounding area..  I will go and just be with them as they live... 

What's the plan after i get back?? Well, i feel like God doesn't want me to plan for after this trip -- I was tryingH to, and I quickly felt the familiar invitation from Him to not plan too far ahead...  that's how He's been doing it these days...

I am trying to raise $3000 for this trip -  I still have a ways to go.
If you'd like to sow financially into this trip... let me know..  It's a little different because usually you sow into what a person is "doing" -- but I would ask you to pray about sowing into "my life" and what God is wanting to reveal in Africa...   i am highly expectant that what He has in store is going to drastically impact my life....  

  

if you're interested in partnering with me financially please email me at burdeejewels@gmail.com

Time is a bit short -- I have two weeks to raise these funds, so know that any amount of $ is helpful :) 

Also another practical way to support is by buying super trendy earring from my etsy shop :)  This will all go towards helping me go to Ethiopia. You can find those here -->  Burdee Earrings! 

whoever is reading this -- thanks for taking the time to listem to my thoughts :) 

bless you guys!

-court

purpose.

i'm about to ramble..  here goes. 


learning to live in the moment.
it's easy for me to look forward and try to plan.
when i attempt to do so, clarity is slim.

i'm realizing that no matter what you're doing.
full time ministry or not.
there is always a driving thing in us trying to find purpose and significance aka "identity".
most christians who are sincere - have a hovering question in their hearts.
"what is my calling"?

most people do their mundane routine day by day...  they are so busy they don't think of what their purpose is.   but there are moments, where they are driving in the car, taking a walk, or right before bed when they blackout their iphone screen -- they begin to wonder "what am i doing with my life?" there has to be more to this?

it seems like there is this idea we have, where we need to reach a certain point in life where we have arrived to what we were destined for.  and all the while we are neglecting the practical moments in front of us to invest in eternal greatness that will never be taken away.

why do we think going on mission trips for two months is more valuable in the eyes of God, than a mom at home who is cooking, cleaning, working hard for her husband day in and day out... and the husband forgets to pick up his socks after the millionth time...  yet she chooses to love and be patient in that moment, sticking the socks in the hamper and blessing her husband instead?

why do we think leading worship for thousands of people equals greatness, and all the while we lend a person $20 and you better bet your bottom dollar that we won't let them forget it, until they pay us back every penny.. i mean, if you lend, shouldn't they return?  uhhhh.

we get commended and bragged about when we have done things that seem "big" in our eyes.
it's not often you hear a mom getting publicly complimented for her constant selflessness.
you never really hear people giving props to the man who is poor in spirit, who hungers, mourns, and doesn't demand his right, in an introduction before he speaks at a church or conference.

selah...

i do believe that we are to do great exploits for God.  yes yes yes.   look at the new testament.  booya!  so much of that is in there -- it is an expression of the kingdom of God on the earth, and i know God wants it :)  however, i do remember hearing Jesus say to those He sent out on "mission trips" --  "do not rejoice at the fact that spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that you're names are recorded in heaven."  

big crowds are awesome.  more people being impacted for the kingdom is AMAZING! Jesus is worthy of having eternal worshippers all over the earth...
i have an age old desire that wants to impact the globe.
heaven rejoices when a soul gets saved, so it's obviously an awesome thing and lines up with God's heart and desire to be one who evangelizes.. However we must realize that the teachers, pastors, evangelists, prophets and so on are "sons" first they are His "bride" and out of the overflow of that, they teach, preach, prophesy... So as i do things for God... I must know that this is an overflow from my life in God...  my purpose is God.. i was made through Him and for Him...  and from the overflow of being satisfied in Him alone, i will impact those around me..

I love when Jesus was baptized and when He came out of the water the Father thundered His voice and said "this is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased" -- Jesus was a carpenter.. and faithful to taking care of His mother... Wow what a dull life to most of us with high vision... Yet the Father, who has the perfect scale and balance says that Jesus was pleasing to Him.

i see so many people distraught as they are in wonder about their "calling in life" -- however, i am taking time to step back and wonder about this....     do you think God didn't give them the opportunity to live their calling now?  to love Him with all their heart, soul mind and strength and to love others as He did, right now?  or do they feel that doing that isn't the fulfillment of their calling?  and it must be that in correlation with impacting the multitudes...  or at least something that has value in our eyes of what is big for God?
 
God is so smart.. the sermon on the mount (matt 5, 6, 7) -- can be lived out by any human.... rich, poor, great, and small..   we all have the chance to be great in the kingdom (which lasts forever).... even if before the eyes of men it seems like we are losers.  

i think sometimes there is a sneaky thing that can happen where we feel better about ourselves when we do things that seem big, and super selfless... and yet all the while we are stroking our wounded insecure hearts that have no clue who we really are in God...

Jesus. be our vision.  then from that, we will impact the world.

amen.

"wake up and live"

at the closing of my bday i shall share some thoughts.
i was overlooking at the lake and mountains today at a fancy restaurant (my little sis took me out for dessert). and i was just pondering the last year.   wow.  i would have never imagined i'd be where I am right now.  so much has happened.  

dreaming up programs, hundreds of hours of worship, making spreadsheets, planning initiatives, executing organizational structures, hours and hours of meetings on how to take over the world with worship and prayer, hosting an event with people from all over the globe who oversee the evangelization for over half the nations of the planet, new friendships started, others deepened, hard conversations had, laughter with friends, weakness realized, facing that weakness, grace being received, risking to love, believing they love, receiving love, dreaming, doubting, being encouraged to continue to dream, rocky times, dreams fading, questions came, more questions came, rumbles of change under the surface, Jesus was my sound board, change began, questions continued, prayers feeling unanswered, realizing they were being answered, invitation to rest, taking the leap, leaving familiar, learning to surrender, learning His ways are higher, trusting Him, learning that my purpose is not what i do, a time of discovery, abiding, and reality. 


wake up and live.
i have blogged my journey so far.  here is what i have realized recently.


it has been a little over a month of me being here in idaho.
a few days before that month mark i was really going back and forth on where God wanted me to be next.  i was stressed out because of my own frustrations but also didn't want to seem indecisive to other's who may be effected by my decisions.

the day that marked my one month in idaho... i woke up feeling expectant that He would speak to me. not necessarily a word saying where to go next, just expectant..


i went to a coffee shop and sat there... sipping my drink and looked up and saw the coffee shop sign and there was a tag line above it that was backwards because it was facing outward towards the road... and it said "wake up a live."   i stared at it and felt like the Lord was trying to tell me something through this.   

later on i had realized a few things...

if you know me at all, you know that i don't like messing up.  i want to please God and I don't want to be somewhere He doesn't want me to be.   i've often said "i just want to do what He wants me to do..." and i usually burst this out of my mouth when i feel like i am in a swirl of not knowing what He is saying and just wanting it to be as easy as a yes/no answer from Him..... but i ask, and I hear nothing.... so i risk to make a decision but then i fear that i'm making the wrong one.. .

what do you wanna do?
i had a friend bring an analogy to my attention as I was overflowing with these thoughts...   the analogy of the father who brings the son to the ice cream shop...

father: "son, get your favorite flavor.."
son: "father, what do you want me to have?"
father: "son, you can have whatever you'd like."
son:  "but father, what is the flavor that you'd prefer me to have?"

it almost sounds quite ridiculous...   the father is trying to bless the son, and the son is getting so wrapped up in pleasing the father that they are not able to receive the blessing from the father...  they don't realize that the father takes pleasure in the son taking pleasure in what the son likes.

could God be letting me choose where I want to go?  -  this idea kinda scares me....  however to even know how to choose i think the next thing needed to be brought to light...

who am I? 
i then realized that i have been straining in my mind and heart to find answers...  but i have been asking the wrong questions..  i've been asking "WHERE?? WHAT??"  but really it's a season of "WHO?"  who is courtney?   what do i like to do?  how did God design me and what did HE intend when He knitted me together in my mother's womb?

i have come to realize some things, now that i have separated myself from my usual routine that i've had for the past decade.  there are some things i use to do that i genuinely enjoy, but some other things that i actually don't enjoy at all.. they were just things i was good at and it seemed fitting for the vision needing to be practically fulfilled..  (ps. I am speaking of things I did in regards to ministry and service, not biblical commands and disciplines)...   realizing this was actually quite enlightening, freeing, and a relief....

from this i began to feel a trickle of life on the inside... excited to discover with Him who I really am and what I really enjoy doing.  this can be a thin line though.  some may then go way on the other side of scale and just tell you to "go discover who you are.." and they try to do it completely separate from God...  this to me is lifeless, humanistic, and dangerous.  i am actually talking about abiding in Him, and living out this journey with Him..    apart from Him... there is no life.

enjoy me.
it's a new reality for me to think of Him gazing through the lattice like in song of songs 2.  He isn't necessarily asking me to "arise" at this point  -- He is just watching me and enjoying me... taking pleasure in my existence..   it's more natural for me to ask God what He thinks of me when I am actually doing my devotions or worshipping Him.. and in those moments it's a hard to believe that He enjoys me.. but even more so.. it doesn't even cross my mind to say "enjoy me God.."  while I am driving in the car... or when I am editing a picture for people to see, or when I am cooking a meal...

i want to learn to do this more..  i want to let Him love me in all aspects of my life..  i want to live my life with Him.

there are things I like to do, and He loves when I do them. (i have yet to truly understand this)..
it's just like in the movie chariots of fire when that guy says "i feel God's pleasure when I run..."  i want to learn how to not be so quick to define things as holy and unholy and know that God loves when I worship Him with my guitar, but He also loves it when I paint a picture or come up with the next business idea...   He takes pleasure in me as i walk out in the gifting He has given me.  (again to make it very clear, i am not talking about finding pleasure in things that are sinful...  people can begin to go down some slippery slopes as they compromise and lose their communion with the Lord and begin to stray from His Word).


i want to begin to ask Him and journey with Him on who He has created me to be, and what He really created me to do....    maybe i'll end up being a graphic designer, or maybe a gourmet chef, or a business woman, or a teacher, or a photographer, or a saleswoman, or all of these... or none of these... but knowing that it's nothing greater or less... because God takes pleasure in ME..  

i want reality.
i want to live an authentic life. i want to know God for myself.  i want to live true from my heart.  i want to give myself to what He intended and not what someone else has dreamed for me. (what i end up doing may be something someone has dreamt for me, but i want to hear Him commission me, rather than riding on the prophecies of others)...   i want to be obedient to Him and do as He says, rather than jumping on the next wagon that seems to be going to higher places and making bigger impact..  i want to read the bible and listen to the Holy Spirit, and know what christianity is, not just hear others telling me what it is...


what has God told you? and what have you heard from others regarding what God has said?  sometimes it's easy to base our whole life (what we think our calling is, what we strive for, and our measure of success/failure) on other people's prophecies, and even the theology of a ministry...  rather than tucking away and listening to God and searching out the Word ourselves... (not that I'm saying people prophesying over you is a bad thing - i do it all the time, or that i'm saying teachings are bad...  all these things are awesome and used to exhort and train the body of Christ...)  however it's just the challenge of also hearing it for yourself, and not depending on other's experiences or words..

because when it all comes down to it...   when things are shaken whether that's a ministry, a person, a movement, a career... (if this is what has been girding me up)..  it's going to result in much confusion, offense and a loss of purpose..   we need to hear from God.  I need to hear from God.

it's like John 4 when the samaritans say to the samaritan woman "we no longer believe because you told us, but we have heard Him for ourselves and we believe."   i want to hear Him for myself..  it would be a success to me to have a vibrant heart, filled with the knowledge of His will... knowing Him and His plans... because He told me in the secret place...   this is my goal..
  

-court

two things to talk about.

1. My new worship album.

2. Life Lessons.

//WORSHIP ALBUM

1. I released a CD called "Look and See" on iTunes!

This is something I have wanted to do for years, and the Lord set it up perfectly to finally do it.  

I honestly believe the Lord is all over this album, and wants to reveal His heart and plan through it.  

I would encourage you to go check it out!  if you enjoy it please spread the word :) 

//LIFE

i've been in Idaho for about 2 1/2 weeks now. 

it's been quite the ride. 

as each day goes on, it seems like i'm being challenged, encouraged, and enlightened in some way shape or form.  

week one - am I willing? 

the first week I was here I found myself weeping in front of my little sister (which I have never done before), so overwhelmed with the concept of what I thought God was calling me to.  The idea of discipling people in the world who may end up choosing their own way and wanting nothing to do with God as they dull their hearts with conditional pleasures...  in the face of this limbo of their heart, to choose to love and pray for them and trust Jesus with their soul... was a hard one to swallow.  but i concluded:  Lord, I am willing.  If you want me to leave the 99 and chase the one who may deny you later, i'll do it.  

week 2 - figuring what to do? 

then a week goes by.  i find myself in a place where I am posturing myself to figure out my next steps.  which i should know by now that God has me in a season of "not figuring."  every time i do I get confused, and later on find out that any conclusions I think I have made are based on a lopsided belief system that is still in the process of being reprogrammed.  

mindsets on changing the world. 

a week ago when I was sitting in a little church in my home town, (it happens to be the church I got saved in and was a part before I left to Teen Mania).  I was sitting in the third row, and they were singing this song with a bridge that said "I'm gonna change the world.. I'm gonna change the world."-  after this the pastor got up and exhorted the body of believers in the room that God had a destiny for them and that they can change the world.  As I sat and listened, many things were going on in my heart and mind.  I was thinking about the two responses to this message. 

• To a small town church, this message could be like intense fertilized water to a dry seed.  It's like finding out that a simple story book actually has extra folds in the page that could be unraveled to three times the page size, revealing a bigger picture, with a more adventurous story.  what enlightenment! 
• then there was me.  sitting there.  and i listened to these words and I felt like I rejected them.  it was almost like there was no capacity in my system for another "change the world" exhortation. as some were possibly hearing this for the first, second, third time. I felt like I was almost drunk with it.  as if i had a heavy dose of the concept constantly pumped straight into my system nonstop for ten years straight.  with this said, I felt like I couldn't handle another drop of encouragement in this area. 

as you read this.  the red flags for being jaded may begin to be flapping in the air in your mind.  read on and i'll assure you this has a positive outcome :) 

who am I? 

as i was processing out loud to a good friend of mine.  i was desperately going back in forth with what I think I should do next on this nomad journey.  they encouraged me and it seemed so timely, like my heart was ready to absorb it though my ears have prob heard it before...   they challenged me to not base my decisions on what I think I will be "doing" in the next place... because I am trying to make it legitimate to myself and to others that my next step is "worth supporting"...   

yes, I am going to talk about "doing" again.  it's really something I thought I had figured out years ago, but it goes deep deep deep and i'm realizing it comes in all shapes and sizes..  

so she continued by saying that I need to find who I am apart from ministry - which I felt the Holy Spirit was in keen agreement with.  if i was honest, i would say that i feel like i am fully programmed well polished a ministry machine.  give me any sort of ministry assignment or person/group to train/ disciple and I'll use the tools in my well trained belt to make it happen.  this is what i'm good at, this is what i do...    but apart from this who in the world am I?  who am I to God?  a tool?  who am I to people?  a means to a fulfillment of a vision? if full time ministry has formed who I am and has been my purpose...  what if God told me not to do it. then what's my purpose?  if the reason I exist is now taken away...   why do I exist?  there is tempting thought that there is no reason to exist if this is the case..   which is obviously not true, but God is in the process of kindly helping me believe why.  

in this convo... I began to realize more and more how intoxicated I am with an idea of what I think is extraordinary.  the thought of simply obeying Him...  whatever that looks like, whether that's to live in idaho and get a job, to move to San Diego and work and go to that church i like down there...  wherever..  that if it's Him leading me, then it's worth it...  (my response to these potential scenarios troubles me as I view them as "painfully ordinary")... but He is in the process of reprogramming me to realize that what I think is ordinary could actually be His path to extraordinary... His thoughts are far more higher than mine...  

I need to believe that what I do for Him does not equate to the reason for my existence... my purpose in life isn't what i put my hand to...  what really is the measure of greatness?  matthew 5, 6, & 7 lays it out pretty clear...   i can be doing things that i equate as extraordinary for God, yet be bankrupt of the attributes of the kingdom and intimacy with Him.....   over time i think i just put the cart before the horse...   i chased the dream as my purpose, rather than chasing God as my purpose...    if I place Him first, then "changing the world" is and overflow from that.

there are many people out there (probably 95% of the believers) who have kids, they take care of their family, they work a simple job..  and they will probably never get on a stage and preach to the masses.. or be a part of a strategic prayer plan that touches every nation of the globe... yet they love God with all your heart soul mind and strength, have put their heart to obeying His commands..

what makes me think this sort of life is so plain? there is something drastically wrong with my thinking...  and He is reprogramming me.

as I  process this journey out-loud to the world, I don't want it to seem like I am anti-ministry.. or anti having it be your full time occupation... (i think that's awesome)...  and i can look back on these past ten years and I honestly feel the Lord's pleasure over them and I know He has counted them as fruitful...   I think He is now just refining some mindsets that were formed on the way.  and it's rocking my system!

ministry?

so does this mean I won't be doing ministry?  

I believe this is a time of me realizing what I like to do and what I actually don't like to do...  i think from the overflow of just an honest heart before Him, I will be doing ministry in some way shape or form, out of pure expression rather than requirement..  however, will i be working in ministry as a "full time occupation" anytime soon?  I'm in dialogue with the Lord about that one, and whatever He says... I'll do :) 

-court

a vision being stretched.

a trip.

got to spend time with Liz Delgadillo this past week (she was in my RD group at Teen Mania yrs ago)

such a beloved friend, and lover of Jesus.

we went to hollywood/LA, Santa Barbara, Santa Monica, and also relaxed in Ventura where she is lives...

it was so much fun chatting with her, and relaxing :)

prophetic singing.

while i was there i got to lead worship at her youth group.

her youth group was all Hispanic, and majority of them under the age of 16.

God really moved at the altar call..  the kids were weeping, and many of them were encouraged

it was so much fun to listen to the Lord, and sing His heart over them.

haven't gotten to do that in a while.

when I left Colorado it was the plan to take a one month sabbatical.

after the time at the youth group.. we were about to leave -- I asked Liz "what's the date?"

she said "May 4th."  I was like... "oh wow.. I left Colorado April 4th... it's been exactly a month."  it was awesome the the day it ended, I got to do one of the things I love most.

realizing.

i think being away is helping me sift through what I truly love, and what I have just done because I know how to do it... I remember going to an evening meeting at All People's Church here in SD.

the worship leader was just lingering in a corporate setting, and began to sing songs over us about the love of God.  it was in that moment that i was like "oh yeah... that's what I love to do." in the house of prayer they call prophetic songs "oracles" -- usually there is a format to them where you sing them for about 2-5 minutes, and then end with a chorus...   but to have a corporate worship setting where it's very open ended, and there is time to linger and minister to the people.. is kinda rare and is honesty a passion of mine.

  

love the 1 not just the 99.
while being in ventura one of my financial partners called me and asked me how things were going.

i was telling him that I have been challenged with the idea that God may be asking me to just be faithful to something simple and small, and loving a few people rather than being so focused on wanting to run a corporate ministry.  he replied by saying "courtney it sounds like the Lord is broadening your vision, and your love."  it was interesting to hear him say that,  because I honestly feel like the vision is getting small, resulting in less impact...    but me learning to love in the small,  is actually Him expanding my vision and digging deep my capacity for love..

a whole new avenue of discipleship.

i have  a lot to say about this, but i could possibly write it in a whole different entry.   to keep it short, I feel God is challenging me in an avenue that seems quite foreign to me. I will have to explain this in another note, because I have typed it up and erased is a couple times, and it's just too much for me to explain right now...  I could honestly say that I thought I was nearly a pro at discipleship until 4 days ago....   i see a very clear invitation from the Lord to step into a foreign arena...  and it only makes me feel completely at a loss and desperate for the Lord, because I am pretty sure my skilllzzzzz or experience are like a penny in the ocean for what's needed..  

it leaves me needy for Him, which makes me know that it's a good lesson He is about to teach me...

 

vain attempts.

he also prayed for me and said "Lord keep her from the temptation of making her life secure."  this was very challenging.  i am so desperately wanting to get a grip on things, so that I can conclude in my own heart what I am doing and what He is doing, but also conclude to others what I am doing.

from that convo it made sense to me that as I measure God's work in me in this season (i tend to want to hurry up the season and learn things quick)...  He will probably always be causing me to feel desperate and in need.  if I find a process that works, it would be easy for me to cling to that process and feel comfort from the control I am in, rather than leaning into Him.  it will probably end up being where I look back and see how far God has taken me through the journey of clinging to Him..  rather than measuring it step by step by my own successful maneuvering. 

the Lord is still bringing me through the process of learning not to "do"...  i can say so much about this right now..   it's not that I am not "doing" anything -- but it's learning to surrender my idea of what I think is worth doing...  and as I have been journeying forward in living a "simple" life of just loving Him, and those in front of me..  i have had moments of dreaming forward to see what God would have for me in the future...    i ask Him, then what i hear is -- SILENCE..   He doesn't tell me anything.  in those moments, the way my heart responds is troubling.  lets just say my identity is being put on trial and there is much evidence that it's buckled to another system other than God's.  so He is patiently leading me through this process of understanding what Christianity is.  Thank You Jesus.

gazing on Jesus.

today i was listening to an ihop spontaneous song on tiff's iTunes...  and there was this bridge in the song that said "i have never seen another more beautiful, i have never seen another more lovely, i have never seen another more righteous, i have never seen another more holy holy"..    there is a place of encounter with Jesus, that can happen so easily as we choose to slow down in a life, and even if life may not seem busy right now, our minds can tend to be like a nascar track.. but to take the moment to dial down, and lift up the eyes of our heart and gaze on the beauty of Jesus...   this is the best place to be...    i love Him and I love to behold Him.   i would encourage you to do the same - "at His right hand are pleasures forever more..."  - Jesus is at His right hand.

until next time.

-court

living as a NOMAD - learning to lose control

well.

i bought a one way ticket to go visit home (idaho) for a little while.
it's been almost ten years since I have been at home for a long period of time.
i left when I was 19.

get ready - i am about to be extremely vulnerable (this blogging thing is a big deal for me, bec really i haven't blogged in years...  mainly due to the fact that i use to be so scared to be seen as something i wasn't, or i was bondage driven conscious of being so honest in my speech, that I wouldn't want to write things that may have not been fully true... so in that case, I would just be silent instead).

so know that if you read my little posts..  i honestly find this quite risky and a big deal, so thanks for taking the time to read.

i honestly feel so lost right now.
which is exposing so many things in me.
so many crutches i have leaned on.
so many things that have weakly anchored my value system of self.

i have to admit.
God has given me more talents than I know what to do with.
and i feel like most of them are being wasted right now.

what in the world am i suppose to be doing God?

.....  selah.

that word doing.  seems like a cuss word to the modern lovers of Jesus today -- bec we need to learn not to "earn" anything from doing...  but to receive His love freely.
but at the same time, it haunts my choleric mind.
it's familiar to my lingo to say "it's not about doing."
i've taught on it, and i've sung the message over many hearts..  
but really when the rubber hits the road. i am realizing more and more.
my identity is sooooo rooted in what I do.

why can't God just be enough for me?
when i think of living in Idaho, or in San Diego, or Colorado or wherever..
why can't God just be enough?  where i don't have to be involved in something major...  but living a quiet life, loving Him, loving others, and being obedient to the Holy Spirit as He conforms me to the image of Christ.   i want to get to this point.  and i think that is where God is taking me...   but I think the journey there confounds the heck out of my mind.

why do i feel like i always have to be in charge?
why do i feel like i should be the one in on the meetings where we are strategizing how to change the world?

i have been in those meetings...  many of them.
especially this past year and a half.

then i find myself in the back yard of a house in san diego.
laying in the grass, looking at the sky saying to myself "I was suppose to be starting houses of prayer in every nation of the world and here I am laying on this blanket in san diego w/ no agenda, what. in. the. world?"

He is purging me.  this I know.
i am not mad.  just feel like I am dangling...
and I feel like I can't see one step in front of me..

and really, He is loosing me of control.
that could sum up prob much of it...

but really,  I'd rather have His way than anything...
it's just my logic so desperately wanting to wrap itself around something that is higher than itself.. and i don't think it's possible.

so i will rest in the fact that God isn't going to give me an agenda at this point.
my only agenda is letting Him love me for me and not for what I do, loving Him, and others.
which really is all that matters.

so much surrender is still needing to take place, because I am not completely okay with just that -- which is troubling...  i would say this could equate to "mourning" in the beatitudes.  mourning over my sin (idolizing works & my abilities),  realizing the place He has intended for my heart to be -- yet i fall so desperately short of understanding it, and living it out.   I need Him to lead me down paths of righteousness.   I need Him to conform in me the image of Christ.  and I need Him to perfect my faith.

all i can do is obey as He kindly leads.
His gentleness is what makes me great.

great and marvelous are all of Your works, just and true are all of Your ways!

amen.

learning learning

bad health.

i am learning more and more about myself while i am here.
some random things and some deeper things..

one random thing is that i am the type of person who likes to get things done so quick, and i don't really think of how the aftermath could be detrimental.

for instance -- i had and still have a tooth ache, so i slammed lots of ibuprofen to make it feel better.. did this for about 5 days straight... it made my tooth feel better, but over time i started getting major abdominal pain...

come to find out i got an ulcer from this.

it's probably one of the top most painful things I have experienced.
but then it's funny bec I got meds for the ulcer, and i instantly just want to pop tons of them to decrease the pain..  but if i did that it would prob cause another problem..  so I am trying to be patient..  and I am eating like a bird (everything has to be bland, no seasoning, not fried, no fat, no chocolate, no caffeine, no acidy foods) -- if you know me at all, you would know that this is quite stretching for me, bec burgers and fries, strong espresso, and dessert every night after din are habitual eating patterns for me...   but it's good -- it's like an involuntary fast i guess ;)

my meals

plans being altered.

i was suppose to go to ventura and hang out w a good friend Liz Delgadillo this weekend, but my stomach is too sore at this point...  hopefully i will next weekend.

also i was intending to go to mexico for the week after ventura with some friends who live down there -- (to have a little retreat)...   but i can't now bec my passport didn't come in (i got papers saying they basically didn't believe I was the real courtney gorman, and they need extensive proof)... i am assuming it's bec my birth certificate was from Idaho, my license was from Missouri, my current address was Colorado, and I wanted them to mail the passport to California...  probably seemed a bit sketch ;)

so my plans to go to europe, or new zealand are going to be pushed back significantly...  bec it will take a bit to get all the proof gathered (especially because they want documentation from atleast 5 years ago -- with moving locations constantly, my possessions are few, and I've burned and ripped up many things I thought weren't necessary..  so it will be tricky to dig up old docs to prove my identity).

with that said -- i am seeing how I don't need to put so much pressure on me knowing each step of the way -- bec He actually is opening and closing doors to give me somewhat of a clue... which is very nice..

how long in SD?

I am in San Diego -- and it's still quite weird for me to not know what my long term plan is going to be..  i have vision, but really have no idea how God wants to play it out (I thought I knew, but I need to surrender those ideas to Him, and let Him be the guide for the fulfillment of the dream).  however I have chosen to not position my heart to feel the pressure of having to make a decision about the next step, or even the long term strategy to get to the vision..   just live for today.. because honestly to let my mind and heart go there to figure things - it feels like unnecessary chaos -- and I must trust the Lord will show me as I wait.

Tiffy asked me the other day "courtney are you really going to leave in May?"  (because that would equal a month of me being here, which was the plan)..  the thought seemed odd to me, and so sudden...   I have a feeling it's strategic that I am here for a season (whether that's just for a few more weeks or longer)... So all in all I am open to the idea of possibly staying here longer than what I expected -- some of you may chuckle at that, bec you probably knew the whole time that may have been the case... so i have to admit, I am open to that idea (at first i wasn't)... but if He wants that, then I want it...

 i go on walks a lot lately.

 

 

 a beautiful time at the beach.

 

 really feel that my relationship with alissa valdez (ricky's little sis) is very strategic.  i could say that if the only reason God led me to SD was to run alongside this young lady..  it was worth it and i'd do it a hundred times over.  she's one of the great in the earth, a friend of Jesus. 

no reservations no walls.

i kinda don't know how to position my heart in a season where I don't know if I will be here long or short... so even with getting involved with community -- how much I should invest my heart into this, bec in a month I could be leaving..

when i think of Jesus, i can see Him being one who is ALL there... whether it was for a short time or long time... He invested in the people, and didn't hold His heart back from loving people..  I want to do the same (though that scares me kinda)..   practically though, thinking of "joining" a church and get involve... that's where I just don't know -- because I am not sure how long I will be here..

 

 these are the folks i am with day in and day out. lovely people.

being the new person.

it's interesting going to a church and knowing that's pretty much the community you have to draw from...   haven't been in a place like this for almost ten years being that i have been in programs, and ministries that had tons of community in them...  (not that I am saying that is good or that I am saying that is bad, i'll figure that later)...

so here I am going to this church called "All People's Church" -- it's really awesome from what I have experienced so far (they are really into Jesus, missions, discipleship, and church planting)...  
it's always an experience being the new person in a sea of people...  where I go to church and sit towards the back... go to the college group and do the same.. just feeling things out..   no one knows you and you don't know anyone....  it's actually kinda fun, and oddly adventurous to me..  it wasn't always like that though -- I remember going to IHOP after leaving Teen Mania and being in a sea of people and that was actually extremely difficult for me -- (a major test of where my identity found it's nurture)...   this time...  i can't say that I don't feel any slight discomfort of being the new person, but I'm not concerned about it.... just living my life and going with the flow in this new environment..  and again just having to being patient with God's timing on things. 

i commend the people loving Jesus.

I am learning more and more that obedience is best and being faithful to love the person in front of you is productive and fruitful in the kingdom (so simple but so profound to me at this point)..   when i see a lover of Jesus who is being faithful in their community of believers and giving themselves to loving Him and loving others not because someone is making them, or because everyone around them is doing it...  it's encouraging to me... 

i met a young lady at this college group gathering last night.
being that I was the visitor/new person -- she approached me and did the usually "hi, what's your name... etc"  through a bit of small talk and realizing we knew the same people -- she mentioned an internship in texas called the honor academy she was part of :))  from that point on we chatted for what seemed to be almost an hour...   she just graduated the HA this past August, so it was exciting to see this young gal loving Jesus, and being discipled by people in the church and her herself discipling others...  she feels called to be an intercessor and has a heart for the nations, but the Lord told her to stay back for now and love on the people around her...  I was able to commend her for that decision and encourage her as intercessor to let Jesus' reward be our end in my in intercession...

good bye.
i have so much more to talk about -- but that's all for now.