learning learning

bad health.

i am learning more and more about myself while i am here.
some random things and some deeper things..

one random thing is that i am the type of person who likes to get things done so quick, and i don't really think of how the aftermath could be detrimental.

for instance -- i had and still have a tooth ache, so i slammed lots of ibuprofen to make it feel better.. did this for about 5 days straight... it made my tooth feel better, but over time i started getting major abdominal pain...

come to find out i got an ulcer from this.

it's probably one of the top most painful things I have experienced.
but then it's funny bec I got meds for the ulcer, and i instantly just want to pop tons of them to decrease the pain..  but if i did that it would prob cause another problem..  so I am trying to be patient..  and I am eating like a bird (everything has to be bland, no seasoning, not fried, no fat, no chocolate, no caffeine, no acidy foods) -- if you know me at all, you would know that this is quite stretching for me, bec burgers and fries, strong espresso, and dessert every night after din are habitual eating patterns for me...   but it's good -- it's like an involuntary fast i guess ;)

my meals

plans being altered.

i was suppose to go to ventura and hang out w a good friend Liz Delgadillo this weekend, but my stomach is too sore at this point...  hopefully i will next weekend.

also i was intending to go to mexico for the week after ventura with some friends who live down there -- (to have a little retreat)...   but i can't now bec my passport didn't come in (i got papers saying they basically didn't believe I was the real courtney gorman, and they need extensive proof)... i am assuming it's bec my birth certificate was from Idaho, my license was from Missouri, my current address was Colorado, and I wanted them to mail the passport to California...  probably seemed a bit sketch ;)

so my plans to go to europe, or new zealand are going to be pushed back significantly...  bec it will take a bit to get all the proof gathered (especially because they want documentation from atleast 5 years ago -- with moving locations constantly, my possessions are few, and I've burned and ripped up many things I thought weren't necessary..  so it will be tricky to dig up old docs to prove my identity).

with that said -- i am seeing how I don't need to put so much pressure on me knowing each step of the way -- bec He actually is opening and closing doors to give me somewhat of a clue... which is very nice..

how long in SD?

I am in San Diego -- and it's still quite weird for me to not know what my long term plan is going to be..  i have vision, but really have no idea how God wants to play it out (I thought I knew, but I need to surrender those ideas to Him, and let Him be the guide for the fulfillment of the dream).  however I have chosen to not position my heart to feel the pressure of having to make a decision about the next step, or even the long term strategy to get to the vision..   just live for today.. because honestly to let my mind and heart go there to figure things - it feels like unnecessary chaos -- and I must trust the Lord will show me as I wait.

Tiffy asked me the other day "courtney are you really going to leave in May?"  (because that would equal a month of me being here, which was the plan)..  the thought seemed odd to me, and so sudden...   I have a feeling it's strategic that I am here for a season (whether that's just for a few more weeks or longer)... So all in all I am open to the idea of possibly staying here longer than what I expected -- some of you may chuckle at that, bec you probably knew the whole time that may have been the case... so i have to admit, I am open to that idea (at first i wasn't)... but if He wants that, then I want it...

 i go on walks a lot lately.

 

 

 a beautiful time at the beach.

 

 really feel that my relationship with alissa valdez (ricky's little sis) is very strategic.  i could say that if the only reason God led me to SD was to run alongside this young lady..  it was worth it and i'd do it a hundred times over.  she's one of the great in the earth, a friend of Jesus. 

no reservations no walls.

i kinda don't know how to position my heart in a season where I don't know if I will be here long or short... so even with getting involved with community -- how much I should invest my heart into this, bec in a month I could be leaving..

when i think of Jesus, i can see Him being one who is ALL there... whether it was for a short time or long time... He invested in the people, and didn't hold His heart back from loving people..  I want to do the same (though that scares me kinda)..   practically though, thinking of "joining" a church and get involve... that's where I just don't know -- because I am not sure how long I will be here..

 

 these are the folks i am with day in and day out. lovely people.

being the new person.

it's interesting going to a church and knowing that's pretty much the community you have to draw from...   haven't been in a place like this for almost ten years being that i have been in programs, and ministries that had tons of community in them...  (not that I am saying that is good or that I am saying that is bad, i'll figure that later)...

so here I am going to this church called "All People's Church" -- it's really awesome from what I have experienced so far (they are really into Jesus, missions, discipleship, and church planting)...  
it's always an experience being the new person in a sea of people...  where I go to church and sit towards the back... go to the college group and do the same.. just feeling things out..   no one knows you and you don't know anyone....  it's actually kinda fun, and oddly adventurous to me..  it wasn't always like that though -- I remember going to IHOP after leaving Teen Mania and being in a sea of people and that was actually extremely difficult for me -- (a major test of where my identity found it's nurture)...   this time...  i can't say that I don't feel any slight discomfort of being the new person, but I'm not concerned about it.... just living my life and going with the flow in this new environment..  and again just having to being patient with God's timing on things. 

i commend the people loving Jesus.

I am learning more and more that obedience is best and being faithful to love the person in front of you is productive and fruitful in the kingdom (so simple but so profound to me at this point)..   when i see a lover of Jesus who is being faithful in their community of believers and giving themselves to loving Him and loving others not because someone is making them, or because everyone around them is doing it...  it's encouraging to me... 

i met a young lady at this college group gathering last night.
being that I was the visitor/new person -- she approached me and did the usually "hi, what's your name... etc"  through a bit of small talk and realizing we knew the same people -- she mentioned an internship in texas called the honor academy she was part of :))  from that point on we chatted for what seemed to be almost an hour...   she just graduated the HA this past August, so it was exciting to see this young gal loving Jesus, and being discipled by people in the church and her herself discipling others...  she feels called to be an intercessor and has a heart for the nations, but the Lord told her to stay back for now and love on the people around her...  I was able to commend her for that decision and encourage her as intercessor to let Jesus' reward be our end in my in intercession...

good bye.
i have so much more to talk about -- but that's all for now.