goodbye 30 // lessons learned

closing of a chapter // goodbye 30

i remember when it happened people were asking me if i was okay. haha.

rather than feeling remorse about me not really having a career,

not being married + having children yet, 

(which are the main things 30 year old gals struggle with)  

i was actually surprisingly filled with a lot anticipation.  

excitement to start my adulthood.  

i know i know..  even though i had already lived 12 years of technical adulthood,

turning 30 felt like, the real deal.   

i remember pondering "what kind of woman do i want to be like?" 

it almost felt like a fresh start of life. 

with so much vision my year proceeded,

and let's just say - it didn't look anything like i would have every imagined it would.

it was actually the most humbling, dreadfully painful year of my life, 

but one that God used to show me His exceeding kindness towards me, His crazy mercy, and most of all His redemptive power. 

I'm not going to recap every detail of my whole year. 

I will just mention a few things, specifically recent thoughts. 

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today at one of my jobs, my co worker asked me 

"what was the best part of your year this past year?"  I instantly knew.  

Something happened recently that pretty much altered my whole view on this last year..  

I wrote a short blog about it but didn't feel like it was good timing bec it was so fresh between me an the Lord, so I deleted it..   

but now I can share it.  

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victory.

God is so awesome. 

He really is working in us.. sometimes only time will tell. 

recently I was going about my normal routine. 

and in a split second i was confronted with a situation that would have 

typically reeeeeeally discouraged me and thrown me off my rocker. 

these types of things can vary for each person. whether it's a demotion, 

confrontation, forgiveness, being embarrassed, being rejected, interacting 

with people who have hurt you, mistreatment, temptation, failing at a 

project. etc etc... 

though i wasn't completely absent of being shocked/impacted by the scenario. 

I still recognized that it didn't knock me out like it would have in the 

past, and it was then, I realized how FAR God has brought me.. 

it amazes me to see how the Lord reigns over everything. 

that even a situation where the enemy could have thrown fiery darts at my 

heart to wipe me out for the rest of the day(s). God took the situation to 

show me how much He has healed and matured me // showing me that the faith 

He has built up in me is stronger than those fiery darts. 

I know we are all humans and all have our crud. 

but i wanted to encourage you - 

God is working in you. 

as you are following Him, 

listening to Him, 

obeying Him, 

Surrendering and surrendering, 

He really is conforming you to the image of His Son. 

and even when you feel like you're failing, it's worth the fight to keep 

getting back up again and again.. 

know that He is making progress in you.. 

and what would typically sting, or grip you, bit by bit it will not faze you 

anymore because your faith will be stronger than the discouragement. 

amen, God is good! 

a friend of mine posted this. 

she drew this picture and it was seriously such a cool metaphor of God at 

work in our hearts. 

she captioned it "hey, God, what's that you're planting in there?" 

..."You'll see, my daughter, it's something good, I promise." 

amen. 

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lessons // ashes to beauty.

shame is constantly repeating a scenario(s) in your mind // ones that God has already forgiven & forgotten yet you remember, accuse and condemn yourself about it over and over again.

The Lord's redemption is something we cannot obtain on our own. The process of turning ashes into beauty is a leap of faith that gives no grip to your control // you are strictly at the mercy of His resurrection power to make things new (which is the best news because this power is the ONLY power that can change not just your actions but also your thoughts and emotions). 

If you've screwed up, and the enemy tries to remind you of such, trust Him and His works more than your own. If you've given it to Him and repented, He is now the one not just in the business of just taking that sin and washing you clean, but turning that whole scenario, as crazy as it sounds - into something beautiful. 

And typically, the beautiful thing isn't a scenery change it's a perspective change. Your heart changes, and all you can do is be in awe of HIM and His kindness towards us. 

amen.

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lessons // I am at His mercy.

i have never been in a place.  ever. 

where i was at the mercy of God taking my complete selfishness and not counting it against me.
I've lived so strictly, trying to do everything right.  
and well, the first half of the 30th year of my life 

I chose myself.
and i hurt people in the process 
*there is seriously nothing worse than deeply hurting another person.

the second half of my 30th year was surrendering control of my mistakes,
knowing I couldn't fix them, and asking God to redeem them.
and I am a testimony that God can take a situation that is so crappy (pardon my language) and reveal Himself as so so so strong, and so ridiculously kind.
not just changing your actions, but even your pain into gratitude.

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lessons // why do i feel that way?

i had a friend confront me in january about how i was always so sad all the time.
at first i took offense to this but then realized that it was true.
i was always taking on a certain emotion whether sadness or anxiety and pretty much always accepting it as my portion.

i had another friend talk to me about how demons speak in first person.
sometimes we think it's us who are having these thoughts, but they are actually lying spirits we are believing.

sometimes we can even get addicted to those emotions because feel them all the time.
they are our norm.  and to get over those addictions, it takes effort.  you can feel happy one day and think you have victory but then feel sad the next.  it's a constant renewing of the mind.  it takes 30 days to get over an addiction (scientist say), can God heal you in a moment?  probably - but a lot of it is believing the Truth, and that take working the muscle of faith..

however after my friend chatted with me about this,
she gave me these tips that changed my life.

first when the sadness came (or whatever the feeling your'e having came, that didn't seem of God).
rather than accepting it as your portion, to quickly dialogue with God about it.

1. God take this negative emotion away
if it doesn't go away then ask.

2. God is there some sort of wound in my heart that is causing this feeling to come up?  Show it to me (sometimes something may have happened in your day that pricked a deeper wound in you).  It's like listening to old music, or smelling a familiar smell and it takes you right back to those feelings.
ask Him to heal that wound, and speak truth over that lie that you may have believed (lots of times wounds come from lies believed about our identity due to situations that happened).

if the feeling is still there, then ask,

3. God do i have any sort of unforgiveness or offense in me?  in matt 18 it has the parable of the man who didn't forgive and he was sent to the tormentors.  in the same way if we have unforgiveness or bitterness or offense harboring in us, often times we feel in torment.  we must repent of that offense, and forgive from the heart (go to that place, feel the offense (so it's from your heart) and in humility, not count it against the one who wronged you).

if the feeling is still there, then it's likely a demon and you need to rebuke it in Jesus name.

life is warfare.
demons want to destroy us.
we are in a battle and we need to hold up that shield of faith
and use the Word of God / the sword of the Spirit.

it's productive to dialogue with God about things, and not so easily accept them as our portion.

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lessons // ask more questions.

this may seem humorous that i am saying this right after i just shared the above..
but here is another thing I learned.

i've also learned a lot about mentoring/coaching.
specifically one class i sat in this past year and it shattered a lot of my thinking.

coaching is a lot of question asking.
mentoring is when people to ask you to teach them specific things so it's okay to lay out some points for them to chew on.

most times we are in coaching scenarios not so much mentoring ones.

i don't want to be so much of a person telling people what they need to do or what they need to believe in regards to the bible, what the best steps to take in their specific season should look like,
or even what their calling is.

i tend to do that a lot.
and i don't want to do that anymore.

obviously i can encourage people, but i want to learn to ask more questions.
because when the people we meet can come up with their thoughts on their own, it will stick better.
not being so quick to tell people the answer.
coaching them through finding the answer rather than just giving it to them.

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learning // grace.

i am also learning a lot about grace,
most of you know (if you're in my immediate sphere)
that i have been wrestling with this idea of grace and works for about a year and a half now.
constantly reading the epistles trying to understand it.

as i was talking to my sister mary the other day about life, and our journey in God.
stuff was coming out of my mouth that surprised me..

i am beginning to see how the gospel is changing me.
causing me to just breath and live rather than always thinking how I should be living.
learning to not so quickly submit myself to a method or law.
but to hope in Christ more than my own efforts.
this is still a very stretching, and fresh process for me,
but it's one that I think His word is finally penetrating my heart.
and i pray that it continues to, until every religious bone in my body is shattered.

Romans 5 is actually the chapter I have been baffled by the most.
I chew on it a lot.  and it's implications are mind blowing.

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closing // thank you to friends. 

this isn't very typical of me to do on a blog,
but when i think of this last year I also think of all the people I journeyed it with. 

some were just a sheer delight to me, 
others were a tool of God sharply warning me.
other's just being such an encouragement to continue pressing on.  
I want to thank you:

mary gorman - my sis, you were there for me to cry with.  i bawled my eyes out with you.  you had more empathy for me that i could ever muster up for any human.

angela baird - you've always been a champion to me.  though you live 2000 miles away, our bi-weekly / monthly phone calls always encouraged me.  thank you as well for challenging me that one night in November.  you laid it out clear that God was calling me to draw a line in the sand  "Choose this day whom you will serve."

Sidney Launder - you saved my life.  i'll never forget that night you came to my church on September 5th, and kindly gave me the strongest warning/ confrontation straight from God I have ever heard.  Thank you for your obedience. 

Jess Taranto - you are an example that God is at work all over the earth.  Your sincerity for the Lord inspires me.  You constantly preached Jesus to me this past year.  Even challenging me to believe in His love in my darkest hours.  Thank you for being a friend I can talk with and pray with.  I am grateful for your persistence and support.

Kata Wilmotte - thank you for speaking into my life.  though i didn't listen to you when you did, you supported me after i had to pick up the pieces.  

Tiffy Valdez - thank for always being there for me to bounce my ideas off you.  and encouraging me in the midst of winter, that spring will come.  and it did. praise Jesus.  Also thank you for your grace with me - (Ricky you're included here).. I love you two like family.  Thank you for being willing to fight for our friendship in hard times.  

Rachel and Mike Shamberg - thanks for going on dates with me...  also opening your home for our small group to be so so vulnerable with each other.  that community group has impacted my life.  Rach, thanks for being a listening ear, and being so compassionate and understanding..  and thanks for not closing your heart off to me though there were many times I was very blunt and insensitive, thanks for being always willing to talk it out...  really, you make my life more fun.  you're a like a sister to me. Mike, we have also learned a lot as we have journeyed together in ministry, thanks for sticking with it and being my friend though I can be hard headed sometimes.  Also I think you're hilarious, love spending time with you guys. 

Chuck and Camille - your sincere tenderness and support of me has blessed me so much - i know that's a short line, but i really really mean that, i genuinely feel loved, believed in, and appreciated by you guys...

Annie and Phil Siemens -  you guys are rad. the timing that God brought you into my life was impeccable.  I so enjoyed the late night chats, the walks, the adventures you brought me on.  You added a lot of life to this year.  Thank you. 

Maddi Mularski  - you my friend, were a God send.  i loved our walks, our talks, or walks with no talking..  You were truly a gift during that 3 month winter season.  God is kind. 

Corinne Van Ostrand - i know i have only known you for a few months now, but thank you for loving Jesus so much.  You've been a breath of fresh air to me these past few month.  i feel like an old woman wrinkled by life, and you are like a bird who has been soaring for years, but each day seems like your first flight - full of adventure/ anticipation / expectancy.  Your willingness to be used by God in your daily ordinary life challenges me.

Chris and Heather Lauri - thank you for sticking it through with me - my moments of immaturity, were moments of opportunity in your guys' eyes.  thank you for your grace.  Chris, it's been an honor being your assistant so far, your humility and patient leadership with our church has challenged me to be a better leader.  i've learned a lot by watching your journey. and i think you are seriously so hilarious, thanks for being so fun.  heather - thank you for all your encouragement, and cheering me on, and really, i love how real you are, thanks for letting me hear your heart this past year.  It's always a privilege. 

Toby Keough and Sean Keough - thank you for letting me live with you guys.  i know the Lord set that up so divinely to bring healing to my heart.  Toby you are incredible friend.  You seriously saw me in my most wits end.  When I was so confused in God, and so full of pain.  You were there to just listen and encourage me.  I am grateful that you reached out to be my friend.  Sean, your like a bro I never had, thanks for being so kind a loving and fun!

Dad - I love you, thank you for being someone I can talk with, always believing in me.  You supported me so so so much this past year. 

Cari Canale - you are such a steady friend.  i processed so much with you when I was wresting with grace..  and learning to surrender my methods..  i loved our walks, and long talks..  you made up some of the sweet memories of my year.  and you're hands down the best roomy anyone could ever have.

Darlene Canale, and the rest of the Canale crew -- you guys have been such a joy to me.  i feel so blessed to have gotten to know you the past few months.  sitting at your house, eating dinner, talking theology, or about the weirdest oddest things has been a gift to my heart.  I love you guys

Sandy Wild - thank you for being so aware of me in the office, taking me for lunch when i felt stressed, and listening to my challenges, as well as my victories.  you sure are an encouragement, one that people can be totally raw with and still feel like a million bucks

there are probably a million other people, but I am getting sleepy..
so i'm bringing this to a close now.

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future. 

that's all i want to cover for this past year.
those are the most pivotal things.

God really changed my life this year.
Lord I give you year 31, you hold my breath, and my heart.
You've done an excellent job so far,
and I am so thankful for You and Your dedication to me.

You are truly great.

May 14 - Day 1 of a Normal Life

well. today marks a big day for me.

may 14

the day i moved back to my home town.

all my adulthood, i was gone, 

visiting home for christmas, and every now and then another part of the year.

my dad would constantly say he was praying for me to return.

i would cringe at the thought - thinking that would never happen.

i had bigger and better things to do (and yes, that was really my mindset).

now here i am.

and i've learned so much. 

He has changed me so much.

everything i am about to say, 

may sound like a repeat of things you've heard me say before, 

some thoughts new, 

but others just going deeper in my heart as values to live by.

 there is not much of a sequence below.. just thinking out loud.

>>>>>>>>>>

i went out to dinner with a younger gal tonight.

it was a good capper to this day signifying so much.

i don't realize how much is busting at the seams in me until i encounter hungry people.

however, what is bursting in me now is different than what was bursting in me before.

rather than lofty things.

it's now simple things.

sober.

simple things.

not hype.

just reality of the journey

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i kinda feel like Nebuchadnezzar. 

crazy comparison i know.

but i feel like He took my huge kingdom of ambition.

and has brought me to nothing.

not because he closed a million doors.

the doors were actually wide open, 

but he invited me to not walk through them.

to meet Him at the cross 

and not the palace i built for my own name - 

masking it by saying it was for His fame.

so talented.

so much passion.

so much favor.

now i'm eating grass 

(not really, but you get the picture).

I say this with much appreciation for God.

It's not like He was punishing me.

i honestly feel like He saved me.

does He do this with everyone?

I'm not sure.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

when i think of our walks in God...

rather than being strong, i want to see people feel okay to be weak.

rather than hearing people's plans to take over a nation for God,

I want them to be honest that they are actually having a hard time believing.

rather than hearing people repeat fiery statements they heard from a ministry leader.

i want to hear their latest commentary on a passage they read that day. 

over the years - i have had so much engrained in me, 

this is what knowing God looks like.

this is what making Him known looks like.

it created a framework in my heart that hoped in myself more than in Him.

now it's a process of reprogramming, and seeing what the bible really says.
and honesty the process has been grueling for me.
So much wonder of what is true
and what is just man's prescription from their interpretation
of Scripture.

i get weary when i hear people talk about how they want to encounter Jesus in certain ways, 

or when they feel like they need to get to a,b,c, to finally be in glorious place in Him.

when they stay up late hours crying out for Him, and He is already inside of them.

i think we can tend to glorify our methods far more than Jesus.

i have done this for years, and it's always causes me to feel like I am never measuring up.

what if in the midst of my busy life..

I am okay because God is in me.

I can talk with Him, and enjoy Him, and let Him enjoy me..

even if i'm not fasting, or in solitude for days..

i want reality.

i don't want what seems spiritual.

or what passionate people say is right.

what does the bible say.

i want that.

if you're part of a ministry or a program 

where you're told every day what your life in God is to look like.

i would encourage you to take some time and search it out yourself.

if you've been in that program for years, i would recommend taking a break for a while,

 live a bit of normal life..
i think a good dosage of it, is good for the ambitious soul.
It will seriously expose where your identity lies.

 I would dare to say that the program or ministry is not supposed to be
your life....  Or even what makes up your Christianity...
It can play part in it, but not define it, or hold it up.
In a moment it can disappear, and if you're leaning too much, you'll crumble quick.
Jesus & the gospel is the main story, not the ministry plans.

Jesus goes with you everywhere.
He won't disappear and can be fully leaned upon to define us.

Kill me if you want, but those are my honest thoughts...

Side note: I think mothers understand this more than most,
as they have had to surrender everything to be home
and serve in the secret place.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i was talking to one of my best friends the other day, and I said,

"the most stretching thing for me, is to live a normal life.."

i've had lofty vision.

i have had many prophetic words for my future.

but what's stretches me the most is saying yes to the mundane.

and to know that I am okay in it.

God's ways are seriously not our ways...

He cares for our hearts, and in every season of the soul, 

He really is so so good.
He cares for us so much.

i know this blog entry wasn't so profound.

 but wanted to write on this day that signifies when God literally turned my world upside down...

May 14 - the first day of my normal life.

EXTRAVAGANCE?

i had a mentor of mine tell me the other day that she is noticing that the Lord is "hiding" His leaders.

there are some in the world who desire to do nothing but what they are used to.

there are others who dream beyond their grasp, 

wanting to touch every unknown place, 

they are exhilarated by impact. 

whether it be big in the eyes of man, or small,

more extraordinary than numbers, bigger than fame, i think obedience is the definition of 

extravagance before God. 

anyone can sign up for a movement.

a system.

a program that is already taking you somewhere.

but to the passionate one who wants to take over the world for Jesus.

He may ask you to lay down in green pastures for a while.

those pastures can purge.  

these take you to the familiar moments in the wilderness Jesus experienced.

as He was being tempted by the devil.

the Son of God being beckoned to bow down to Satan in order to receive temporary glory.

He knew that all things were held together by His power.

all things were made through Him and for Him,

His future consists of all things being subject to Him.

Yet, He didn't assume these rights, He knew there was a route He needed to take to get there.

He trusted His Father - knowing that His Father's way was to true glory. 

that route was for Him to die. 

Wait, You are the King? 

Wait, You have all this power to heal, why don't You heal everyone NOW?

Wait, what?  You're going to take all that potential, and just DIE?

Yep.  that's what He did.  

Fully submitting His spirit into the Father's hands.

Now He is seated in the highest place.  

All glory and honor are His.

A kernel of wheat must fall to the ground and die, then it can produce a plentiful crop.  

but it if doesn't -- it will stand alone. 

There are moments in our lives where Jesus will remind us that the very thing you're facing is the exact thing He faced.  In that moment you can tolerate it, or take it as a divine privilege of identifying with Christ in His suffering, in His journey.  

with my heart and soul feeling like wild horses,

ready to overtake the pastures, hills, valleys, and mountains of life.

He whispers to me to stay still.

i just wanna go now Lord.

please let me.

stay still.

be with Me here.

obey.

die with Me here.

the Father is the one who gives a glory that will last.

not man. 

it still feels like crucifixion.

you'd think i'd be done with this season by now.

but nope. 

the horses all harnessed up.

not even able to step out of the gate. 

others who may be a part of the swirl of "making impact in large numbers"

may be tempted to look at the lying down and deem it as falling away,

as a heart going dull. 

what are you doing with your life?

we know your calling, and it seems as if it's slipping through your fingers..

i used to have an underlining judgment towards the average christian.

though they were faithful to their church

accountable to their community

loving those around them and sincerely reaching for God in their daily mundane life.

if i was honest -- i believed they were ones who were just not "getting it"

but "someday they would"

now i am that average christian.

faithful to the church.

accountable to my community

and trying to sincerely love Jesus in my daily mundane life.

my sincere apologies to those who ever felt the brunt of my pride in thinking that what you were doing was less extravangant.

i believe if you have all the talent in the world to preach and teach and disciple the world and you hear God tell you to work at a coffee shop and love your friends, 

do it in faith, whole heartily before His eyes, this is extravagance. 

if you have a musical talent, and can lead stadiums in worship yet you feel like you're suppose to be a crazy good lawyer

do it in faith, whole heartily before His eyes, this is extravagance. 

if you have a passion for the children in India, yet He has guided you down a road to be a mom who never gets noticed for all your hard work

do it in faith, whole heartily before His eyes, this is extravagance. 

if you have a skill to administrate a whole ministry to be a thriving machine yet He invites you to sell art work in a retail store

do it in faith, whole heartily before His eyes, this is extravagance. 

yet on the other hand.

if you're working at a coffee shop, a lawyer, a salesperson, yet feel Him calling you to missions, to be a part of a ministry, to be preach to the nations, to lead stadiums in worship, 

do it in faith, whole heartily before His eyes, this is extravagance. 

obedience is extravagance.

following Him where He is leading you is.

He is looking for willingness to follow Him wherever He goes.

and where He goes is to the cross.
what the cross looks like for each person?  i am not sure.
but when you're hanging on it, and you feel like He has forsaken you.
just hold on...  true life is about to happen.

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peace be with you friends, 

this journey is glorious.

and often looks so opposite of what we assumed it would be.

this is what i know

He is wise and His ways can always be trusted. 

- court

2013 // a year of M E R C Y

2 0 1 3.

i have to confess that i am happy to say goodbye to you.

to start another year with stepping stones consisting of lessons learned.

i say with no exxageration that this passed year was the hardest year of my life.
there are hard seasons that come as a result of the Lord inviting you into them.
then there are hard season that come because you inflicted them on yourself.

i have learned many lessons in my life.
some through books,
some through teachings,
some through life experience.

in 2013 my lesson of the year
was learned through
e x p e r i e n c e 

let us begin.

i remember wrestling with the idea of grace.
I was processing out loud with a good friend
 asking "why can't i just get it,
why can't i just get a revelation of grace,
why won't God just give me understanding"

they responded with a wise statement.
"Courtney, I don't think He is just going to have you "get it"
He wants you to "experience it."

little did I realized the journey ahead.

...............................................

PEACE VS. NO PEACE

there are times in our lives where God warns us and tells us not to do things.
though on the outside it may seem fine,
for some reason He is telling us no.
He is so wise, that though we can't see what's ahead,
He does, and He doesn't want us going there - and I think He does this to protect us.

Moments like these can sometimes make no logical sense but we obey anyway.
Yet there are other times, you know deep in your knower that it makes total sense
because you see the slippery slopes ahead,
and He is not inviting you down those slopes, but guarding you from them.

personally He tends to guide me by:
giving me peace,
or giving me no peace.

however,
I have come to see that if I want something bad enough,
 though I don't feel peace,
I can justify it enough
to conclued that it's my own analytical methods that are making things confusing,
 and figure that it's me who is actually making me not feel peace, not God.
So I then go do what I want.

...............................................

NOT LISTENING TO GOD

it was spring time.
I was ambitious.
i was making some decisions.

decisions,
where, from the outside - seemed fine.
they seemed like typical life decisions.
even things I was participating in seemed like they were good ministry intentions.

but.

As I prayed it through.
As I thought it through.
I clearly felt from the Lord that I was not to proceed.

I had no peace.

I would like to say that I listened to Him,
obeyed Him completely,
and I lived happily every after,
but I don't think I would be writing this blog if it turned out that way.
 It actually turned out the opposite

I decided to clearly avoid His guidance.
and take the route I wanted.
and due to my disobedience the events that proceed became the biggest train wreck
i've ever experienced.

that may sound so dramatic.
especially if you look at my life.

it's not like anything really changed on the outside.
life still looked pretty normal.
I was working.
I was going to church.
I was playing on the worship team.
I was hanging with friends.

i didn't die.
i didn't lose a job.
I didn't fall off on the way side

though things on the outside didn't look all too bad.

on the inside.
 I was feeling confused
- in my calling.
 - in my walk with God
- my heart was in major pain
I was constantly feeling anxious.
feeling heavy.
feeling depressed.

I would ask God for help.
But here I was, totally avoiding Him.
this went on for about 8 months.
ya... 8 months of my 2013.

again... from the outside, you wouldn't look at my life and think
"wow court is in disobedience, she is totally living in sin..."
it didn't even look close to that..

BUT God knows our hearts,
and He was asking me to obey Him in certain things and I was ignoring Him.

He warned me many times.
but it took bigger warnings to actually wake me up.

those bigger warning came through
 faithful friends.
friends who were not afraid to wound me with Truth.
As they beckoned me to fully obey Him,
I knew that it was God's mercy that was warning me, and protecting me.

due to not listening to Him,
I have felt more pain this year than I ever have in my whole life.
I have hurt people this year more than I ever have.
I have felt moments of regret and loss this year than I ever have in my life.
sounds so depressing huh?

well.... i don't live there.

...............................................

GRATEFUL

though the turmoil was thick,
 and the pain was deep,
emotions I would categorize as ones He never intended me to experience.

I would actually say that what resounds most is gratitude.
 A deep deep gratitude for the mercy of God and the reality that He doesn't give up on us.


It baffles me to realize that He could have just let me go..
But He didn't.

After avoiding Him, and shutting Him out so much.
You would think He would say "fine, go your own way."

but no, He did the opposite,
He stepped right into the scene
 broke my legs and carried me away like a good shepherd tending a wandering lamb.

makes me think of Psalm 18,
as if He bowed the heavens and came down
rescued me from my enemies who were too strong for me,
and placed me in a spacious place because He delighted in me.

...........................................

NOT JUST "GETTING IT"


I am humbled as I look at this passed year.
with a track record of striving to live perfectly.
trying to be a leader to follow.
striving to know God and live a life worthy of the calling.
in all of my pride - i fell painfully short.

i found myself in a place where I desperately needed God's mercy.
Though I've always "known" that I needed God's mercy & grace..

He took it to a new level where
I truly e x p e r i e n c e it

mercy because He didn't give me what I did deserve,
 = (in our human standards, it makes sense that He should have give up on me, but He didn't).

grace because He gave me what I didn't deserve
= (something so painful and troubling -  He actually gave me hope).

so brothers and sisters.
learn from this.

obey God.
He is wise, so do what He says.
even the faintest whispers,
if He says yes, or if He says no.
just do it - and do it FULLY.

not just half way.
half way obedience is still disobedience.

when you compromise
you welcome anxiety, confusion, and depression.

when you obey and choose righteousness,
you welcome joy and peace in the Holy Spirit.

it's worth it to obey His voice,
you're not saying no to goodness and life when you radically obey Him
(it could be interrupted this way because often times it looks like sacrifice of
doing what you want to do),

 you're actually say yes to it.

He is wise,
He is kind,
 He sees what is ahead.
He won't give up on you,
He cares too much.

Listen,
it's for your own good.

-court

dark night to light

my heart feels tender.

it hasn't felt tender in a while. 

but i feel like my heart is breathing again, or feels hope again.

i feel free today more than ever. 

I feel like for the first time, I am beginning to realize that God truly likes me.

crazy to think that would be an issue, being that for years I have sung songs and prophetic songs, and taught on the love of Jesus...

i usually wouldn't be so open about my dark seasons (honestly I hate looking weak), but i have had a good friend who has faithfully walked with me step by step -- encourage me to blog during moments like these ...  my words are far from strong, weaker than they have ever been...  so it may be far from profound, but here is a little insight on the past few months...  

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

this past summer was a treacherous summer for my inner man.

one that i think was destined by God.

a couple months of crucifying my methods of finding Him, and simply just knowing He is there.

i do not have much to cling to in the area of equations, or the to-do's when it comes to finding Jesus...  but i do know that sometimes you need to let go of those methods, to realize how much you relied on them, rather than relying on Him...

last year i felt like He stripped my ideas of ministry from me..

this past summer i feel like He stripped my ideas of "knowing Him" from me.

it was a day in june that i felt like i had been brainwashed with methods, and decided to stop them. 

and as I stopped them, I would try not to feel bad about stopping them. 

yes, you are guessing right - i stopped having daily devotional time with Jesus.

what was my number 1 pressing thing for all my walk with God...  

for about 3 months, i just stopped cultivating my secret life in Him..

I was challenged to come to God in my daily life, rather than just getting to a place of solitude, with the perfect music and bible in hand...  to learn to talk to Him always...   to not keep thinking God was some gas in the sky and if i posture my heart just right I would get a glimpse of Him, but to talk to Him like He is a physical being, that was listening and speaking all the time...  (that was my challenge, but honestly I stopped doing both, I stopped having time in solitude, and i stopped just talking with Him in my daily life... i barely prayed...  and when I did, it would shock me like "whoa, I haven't really talked with You in a while)....

as time went on, i felt like i was backsliding..  

it wasn't sin that scared me, it was not knowing Him as much as I thought I should that scared me. 

i'll tell you one thing -- doing that...   freaked me out.

it also made me feel so lost, and like a failure..

but for some reason - i felt like it was necessary..

it began to make me feel like when i did approach God, i had nothing to bring to the equation.

i am not promoting that people stop reading their bible, and spending time with God -- but in my case, it was something that i banked on to keep me safe...  i banked on to keep me...   rather than trusting the keeper of Israel to keep me..   

as time went on, i began to see the dark side of my life.

mainly in the area of my mind...

in the past year, if i felt confused on the outside, at least I felt like God was laying ground work on the inside...   

but what if you're confused on the outside, but ALSO the inside?  this was like wind, i have no grasp, i'm out of control, and i have no conclusions, and literally see no light at the end of the tunnel..   why am i not happy?  why have I gotten so much more depressed over the years?  will this ever change?  this doesn't make any sense being that I have been following God the best I can....    it were these moments, that i began to go down a swirl of hopelessness,   to the point of just wanting to quit life all together - let's just say i was depressed, big time.   

it was these moments of darkness that you think would thrust me to my wits end.. 

but i kept going, just living day to day, so aimless...   

there was a moment i wept in church, feeling so lost.. it felt good to do that, because most of the time my emotions are trapped in my cage of logic, and I don't give myself room to feel....  so to just cry my eyes out (though i still didn't have answers) felt so nice...  

honestly over those months - i felt pretty jaded, wasn't sure what to do anymore..  

i have had so many teachings from right and left telling me what was necessary to know God... 

i have been filled with ideas of what it takes to live a valuable life, not just on the outside, but on the inside...  to please Him with my heart, not just my actions..

but this desire troubled me constantly.. 

i would feel down and out when i wouldn't spend the time i needed with Him...

i had become so weak, not only before man and offering them any sort of spiritual input, but now before God...   so weak..   

i am not doing anything right God, what do you think of me now?

(and really WHAT IS RIGHT??!! i've only heard what people have said is right, and those standards bombard me)...   but what does the bible say??

I let it all go, everything I thought was the right way to find Him...  I quit.
but there were number of times, where I would try to read the bible, but really...  i just wasn't sure how to find Him anymore, so I felt so lost when I would even try to slow down and focus on Him..

He was killing me, destroying all of it...   kinda like burning up a field so it can grow even more..  

not joke, i honestly feel like He was aggressively destroying the tower of babel within my soul that spent years and years and yeaaaars trying to reach Him on my own... 

He said - stop it...  

but how am I to get to You God?   all around just a crumbled mess....

it was an awkward in between of letting go of my methods, but not fully embracing that He tore the veil and made a way for me...  i let go of one rope, but wasn't grasping on to the other...  just dropping in the air...  and it was dark, so i wasn't sure what way i was dropping.

then two weeks ago, i just hit the bottom..

i was a swirl of swirls...  i have nothing...

the flood waters are up to my neck and i have no foothold to put my feet on..

i had to sing a worship set, and i literally felt like i didn't even have strength to sing, i was so weary...

but it was weird because at the same time, though i felt so lost, and far from Him...  

i felt like God would talk to me as I sang..   

people would walk in the room during my worship set, and I would hear Him tell me what was going on with them...  i would wrestle on whether I wanted to posture myself to minister to them, but I went with it anyways...   so I would just proclaim what I heard, singing God's heart over them...   i would pick up my things, leave the church, and hear testimonies of people who cried as they listened to me sing the exact thing going on in their hearts.. 

it was in those moments, that I was like - okay, maybe I can hear God.  

but still, it had been months since I had felt a trickle of hope, desire for Him, a dream to do anything for Him,  and any light hitting my inner man...  all of that seemed like a distant memory, I felt more lost than found.. 

but then all of a sudden things just shifted in the last three days...

to spare the details, and honestly I don't want to spill all my guts on here...

two weeks ago God swooped in by having an extremely straight forward mentor of mine come talk with me one night and she told me that i needed to meet with a friend of hers...  

little did I realize that God had set up a divine appointment for me to pray with a lady in the boonies of washington..  (random i know)..  

so a couple days ago, i went, and i felt like God met me... 

I left this two hour prayer meeting with this random lady who I'll probably never see again..

and i felt like things were different...  something changed... 

i felt hope again, not just in my walk with God, but in just living...

it was during that prayer meeting I got a glimpse that the Father God was happy that I was alive, when He was laying out His plans to form me in my mother's womb, He was so happy...   i have honestly lived a life feeling the opposite, like God was unhappy with me, and that I was constantly failing Him, and that I just wasn't good enough...  but for the first time, I felt His pleasure.  

it was in this meeting that i was encouraged to live from my heart and not my brainy mind...  

though i may feel pain, and though i may feel sad, or mad, or glad or whatever it may be....  it's best that I feel it, and communicate it with God, talk with Him about it, invite Him in it, rather than applying logic to my emotions and pushing them to the side... 

the lady prayed abundant life over me...   yes abundant life.. 

i can't really explain everything that took place in that random experience in the woods, but all i can say is that i am grateful...  very grateful....  

yesterday i went to bible study, and as we read the scriptures about God being jealous for us, my eyes began to tear up....   i felt like the Word hit my heart for the first time in a while, tasting the goodness of God... 

He has led me through this valley of death, and though I feared evil, He still brought me through...  and now I feel like He has placed me before my enemies, to feast, and giving me a cup that overflows...

i am not going to tell you to stop reading the bible.

or stop having quiet times with Jesus..

but i do know that deep questioning of what the heck you're doing is good.

why do you do this and that?   is it because you read that in the Word of God, or because someone told you that was the formula to know Him?  

what is it to really know God?  

what does it take to get to know Him better..

rather than defaulting to the teachings you've heard, I dare you to stop and find it in scripture. 

i am far from beckoning anyone to do anything, as I am weak as you all are... i feel like i have no testimonial strength or power to say do this or that... 

but i do know that I am breathing right now, and that my heart feels alive again, and for this, Jesus I am thankful..

i don't have formulas for you anymore.

the a + b, seems to always include me, and i think this whole time He is trying to make me realize the equation is H + I + M  

still learning day by day,

court

profound ponderings.

These are a few words from a sincere, deep, friend of mine. 

 love their writing.

Read on, be blessed.  

okay,

calm down, set confusion at bay, listen.

You know what I’ve already told you, light.

You have darkness that needs to be exposed. Otherwise you’re eaten away, like having rotten spaghetti in your closet. Who could dwell with you? Loneliness is only for those who are unwilling to expose their darkness…

I understand all things, so you don’t actually have to.

Do you know my voice?

Honey, you’re a sheep, and I’m the Shepherd. So often you try to be king, and its so confusing because it’s not your job. You’re my sheep and you follow me. You don’t need to see anymore of the path than you see now. The only vision you need, is the space between us.

Can you breathe for a second? Do you know that I’m good? Why do you fear? What is it that hinders me from finishing you? Nothing.

And you think that I’m asking you to cease to exist, when I’m actually wanting to give you true existence. Crucifixion is one element, but it’s not your end.

You’ll be pure enough to reflect me.

There is an ocean in your future, but for now you need to develop a root system. You know where roots grow deepest… the desert.

and this is my desert:

No claim to fame, no titles or products, no fulfilled promises in the sight of man, no pride in image, or even an image to bear. Every insecurity exposed: unproductive, unknown, unattractive, unskillful, lazy and quiet.

But in this desert I gain something better than man’s approval.

Deep Roots.

“Forget your perfect offering

there is a crack in everything

that’s how the light gets in”

-Leonard Cohen

- an anonymous friend. 

Feel free to let me know your thoughts on this awesome content.  

the productivity of rest.

to those who are listening to God, and He has led you to a place you never thought you would be.
to those who have been invited down a road that seems so opposite of your plan.
to those He has invited to take a season of rest.

i encourage you with this.

there is such a mysterious narrow road that doesn't make sense to any but those who go down it.
there is an unnecessary pressure that people feel to be doing something worth while, though all the while they feel like God is asking them to do the opposite.

they are asked by others "so what are you doing these days?" "give me the measurables for your life" -- and in response with embarrassment felt in their heart, have nothing but a simple mundane reply.

this is the reason you are here.
the initial embarrassment, or feeling disappointed in yourself for not doing something worth while, is one of the exact reasons God has you here, to rebuke that very lie straight on.

the people who ask what you are doing these days,
and have judgement in response to your mundane response,
i would dare say that they have yet to realize that they too are seaped in a value system that is based on their own efforts of proving themselves to God and building their own kingdom, rather than truly doing something for the sake of His fame. (strong statement I know)

this may sound cryptic and broad, but those who have been invited down the path of death.
death to ambition, death to self, death to your own fame, the glorious invite to find true life.
you understand exactly what i'm talking about.  He is allured you to the wilderness, where there is nothing to cling to, it is there He will speak kindly to you, it is there that He will betroth you to Himself (Hosea 2).

you want to run away.
you want to do big things.
but also you want to do something that seems worth while to yourself,
and also for the sake of those watching.

and out of sincerity of heart, you want to do something worth while in His eyes (which is the very thing He is in the process of redefining for you).

but know this, the ONE who is watching, loves that you are sticking around.
He loves that you chose to tuck away.
He wants to meet you here.
where you're alone, and doing nothing.

this season will change your life.
a message will be formed in you that will not be influenced by another man's vision.

as you are sitting, you're actually going forward.
as you are waiting, you're actually taking ground..

if you decided to go do something you thought was worth while in this season, something familiar, something that seemed like it was having impact - i would dare to say that is where you're actually going backwards, and you're actually losing ground..

it takes courage to obey God.
and the few that are reading this, and get what i'm saying, this message is speaking loud and clear to your heart...

to you, i want to say, obey.
and if you have obeyed, and took the leap.
i would take it even further and say
"fully obey"

do not just tolerate the season, but embrace it.

if he wants you to be in solitude for a while.
if He wants you to rest. fully rest.
do not run to things in the midst of resting that will make you feel like you're atleast doing "something"...    fully rest.    ask God to guide you in the day to day.

Lord am I to do that or this right now?

do not give yourself to this season feeling like it's an equation.
with the mindset of - if i do this, THEN, i can do this..
just fully embrace the now...  not wishing it away...  or tolerating it so you can get somewhere else soon.  the moment you begin to not care about what's next, feeling content in His leading, is a good sign..

I think of
Psalms 131:

O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
² Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
³ O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever.

You will get to a point where living before His eyes alone, and listening to His voice, influences you (because you see His goodness in it), more than your own opinion, or other's opinion.

pit stops are necessary...
if you're driving around with a broken axel and low fuel, some watching may say keep going keep going...  why are you stopping??  atleast be a part of small races right now, you have so much potential, you shouldn't just be parked somewhere...  are you falling away?  you're just not as intense as you used to be...  don't you see what God is doing on the earth, you should probably be a part of it!

but if you keep going, soon you'll crash, or just burn out,
but if you listen to Him, and He says stop for a while,
lets get some gas in your tank,
get you even better tires that will take you over mountains rather than just a concrete track,
and a stronger axel that will never snap...

I would say do not listen to the people watching, listen to the one who made the car...

listen to Him because He is wise, and knows what it takes to form in you what's necessary...
though everyone else has thought you quit the race, He is actually equipping you to win.

know that the period of waiting and not finding, is actually part of His process..
His process of forming in you something that cannot be explained too well with words.
but as you journey on, you'll begin to know exactly what i'm talking about.

find Him. rather than finding what you think makes you're life awesome to Him.

Listen, obey. don't find your identity in what you think is important to Him,
I dare you to slow down, get in His Word, and ask Him to tell you what's important to Him.
Rather than your own pressures, and the pressures of others defining it for you.

sitting under the shade of His tree (the cross). (song of songs 2)
feasting at His banqueting table.
Understanding His delight in you as you "sit".
is fuel that will help you skip over the hills and leap over the mountains with Him later.

bless you friends.

amen.