2013 // a year of M E R C Y

2 0 1 3.

i have to confess that i am happy to say goodbye to you.

to start another year with stepping stones consisting of lessons learned.

i say with no exxageration that this passed year was the hardest year of my life.
there are hard seasons that come as a result of the Lord inviting you into them.
then there are hard season that come because you inflicted them on yourself.

i have learned many lessons in my life.
some through books,
some through teachings,
some through life experience.

in 2013 my lesson of the year
was learned through
e x p e r i e n c e 

let us begin.

i remember wrestling with the idea of grace.
I was processing out loud with a good friend
 asking "why can't i just get it,
why can't i just get a revelation of grace,
why won't God just give me understanding"

they responded with a wise statement.
"Courtney, I don't think He is just going to have you "get it"
He wants you to "experience it."

little did I realized the journey ahead.

...............................................

PEACE VS. NO PEACE

there are times in our lives where God warns us and tells us not to do things.
though on the outside it may seem fine,
for some reason He is telling us no.
He is so wise, that though we can't see what's ahead,
He does, and He doesn't want us going there - and I think He does this to protect us.

Moments like these can sometimes make no logical sense but we obey anyway.
Yet there are other times, you know deep in your knower that it makes total sense
because you see the slippery slopes ahead,
and He is not inviting you down those slopes, but guarding you from them.

personally He tends to guide me by:
giving me peace,
or giving me no peace.

however,
I have come to see that if I want something bad enough,
 though I don't feel peace,
I can justify it enough
to conclued that it's my own analytical methods that are making things confusing,
 and figure that it's me who is actually making me not feel peace, not God.
So I then go do what I want.

...............................................

NOT LISTENING TO GOD

it was spring time.
I was ambitious.
i was making some decisions.

decisions,
where, from the outside - seemed fine.
they seemed like typical life decisions.
even things I was participating in seemed like they were good ministry intentions.

but.

As I prayed it through.
As I thought it through.
I clearly felt from the Lord that I was not to proceed.

I had no peace.

I would like to say that I listened to Him,
obeyed Him completely,
and I lived happily every after,
but I don't think I would be writing this blog if it turned out that way.
 It actually turned out the opposite

I decided to clearly avoid His guidance.
and take the route I wanted.
and due to my disobedience the events that proceed became the biggest train wreck
i've ever experienced.

that may sound so dramatic.
especially if you look at my life.

it's not like anything really changed on the outside.
life still looked pretty normal.
I was working.
I was going to church.
I was playing on the worship team.
I was hanging with friends.

i didn't die.
i didn't lose a job.
I didn't fall off on the way side

though things on the outside didn't look all too bad.

on the inside.
 I was feeling confused
- in my calling.
 - in my walk with God
- my heart was in major pain
I was constantly feeling anxious.
feeling heavy.
feeling depressed.

I would ask God for help.
But here I was, totally avoiding Him.
this went on for about 8 months.
ya... 8 months of my 2013.

again... from the outside, you wouldn't look at my life and think
"wow court is in disobedience, she is totally living in sin..."
it didn't even look close to that..

BUT God knows our hearts,
and He was asking me to obey Him in certain things and I was ignoring Him.

He warned me many times.
but it took bigger warnings to actually wake me up.

those bigger warning came through
 faithful friends.
friends who were not afraid to wound me with Truth.
As they beckoned me to fully obey Him,
I knew that it was God's mercy that was warning me, and protecting me.

due to not listening to Him,
I have felt more pain this year than I ever have in my whole life.
I have hurt people this year more than I ever have.
I have felt moments of regret and loss this year than I ever have in my life.
sounds so depressing huh?

well.... i don't live there.

...............................................

GRATEFUL

though the turmoil was thick,
 and the pain was deep,
emotions I would categorize as ones He never intended me to experience.

I would actually say that what resounds most is gratitude.
 A deep deep gratitude for the mercy of God and the reality that He doesn't give up on us.


It baffles me to realize that He could have just let me go..
But He didn't.

After avoiding Him, and shutting Him out so much.
You would think He would say "fine, go your own way."

but no, He did the opposite,
He stepped right into the scene
 broke my legs and carried me away like a good shepherd tending a wandering lamb.

makes me think of Psalm 18,
as if He bowed the heavens and came down
rescued me from my enemies who were too strong for me,
and placed me in a spacious place because He delighted in me.

...........................................

NOT JUST "GETTING IT"


I am humbled as I look at this passed year.
with a track record of striving to live perfectly.
trying to be a leader to follow.
striving to know God and live a life worthy of the calling.
in all of my pride - i fell painfully short.

i found myself in a place where I desperately needed God's mercy.
Though I've always "known" that I needed God's mercy & grace..

He took it to a new level where
I truly e x p e r i e n c e it

mercy because He didn't give me what I did deserve,
 = (in our human standards, it makes sense that He should have give up on me, but He didn't).

grace because He gave me what I didn't deserve
= (something so painful and troubling -  He actually gave me hope).

so brothers and sisters.
learn from this.

obey God.
He is wise, so do what He says.
even the faintest whispers,
if He says yes, or if He says no.
just do it - and do it FULLY.

not just half way.
half way obedience is still disobedience.

when you compromise
you welcome anxiety, confusion, and depression.

when you obey and choose righteousness,
you welcome joy and peace in the Holy Spirit.

it's worth it to obey His voice,
you're not saying no to goodness and life when you radically obey Him
(it could be interrupted this way because often times it looks like sacrifice of
doing what you want to do),

 you're actually say yes to it.

He is wise,
He is kind,
 He sees what is ahead.
He won't give up on you,
He cares too much.

Listen,
it's for your own good.

-court