dark night to light

my heart feels tender.

it hasn't felt tender in a while. 

but i feel like my heart is breathing again, or feels hope again.

i feel free today more than ever. 

I feel like for the first time, I am beginning to realize that God truly likes me.

crazy to think that would be an issue, being that for years I have sung songs and prophetic songs, and taught on the love of Jesus...

i usually wouldn't be so open about my dark seasons (honestly I hate looking weak), but i have had a good friend who has faithfully walked with me step by step -- encourage me to blog during moments like these ...  my words are far from strong, weaker than they have ever been...  so it may be far from profound, but here is a little insight on the past few months...  

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this past summer was a treacherous summer for my inner man.

one that i think was destined by God.

a couple months of crucifying my methods of finding Him, and simply just knowing He is there.

i do not have much to cling to in the area of equations, or the to-do's when it comes to finding Jesus...  but i do know that sometimes you need to let go of those methods, to realize how much you relied on them, rather than relying on Him...

last year i felt like He stripped my ideas of ministry from me..

this past summer i feel like He stripped my ideas of "knowing Him" from me.

it was a day in june that i felt like i had been brainwashed with methods, and decided to stop them. 

and as I stopped them, I would try not to feel bad about stopping them. 

yes, you are guessing right - i stopped having daily devotional time with Jesus.

what was my number 1 pressing thing for all my walk with God...  

for about 3 months, i just stopped cultivating my secret life in Him..

I was challenged to come to God in my daily life, rather than just getting to a place of solitude, with the perfect music and bible in hand...  to learn to talk to Him always...   to not keep thinking God was some gas in the sky and if i posture my heart just right I would get a glimpse of Him, but to talk to Him like He is a physical being, that was listening and speaking all the time...  (that was my challenge, but honestly I stopped doing both, I stopped having time in solitude, and i stopped just talking with Him in my daily life... i barely prayed...  and when I did, it would shock me like "whoa, I haven't really talked with You in a while)....

as time went on, i felt like i was backsliding..  

it wasn't sin that scared me, it was not knowing Him as much as I thought I should that scared me. 

i'll tell you one thing -- doing that...   freaked me out.

it also made me feel so lost, and like a failure..

but for some reason - i felt like it was necessary..

it began to make me feel like when i did approach God, i had nothing to bring to the equation.

i am not promoting that people stop reading their bible, and spending time with God -- but in my case, it was something that i banked on to keep me safe...  i banked on to keep me...   rather than trusting the keeper of Israel to keep me..   

as time went on, i began to see the dark side of my life.

mainly in the area of my mind...

in the past year, if i felt confused on the outside, at least I felt like God was laying ground work on the inside...   

but what if you're confused on the outside, but ALSO the inside?  this was like wind, i have no grasp, i'm out of control, and i have no conclusions, and literally see no light at the end of the tunnel..   why am i not happy?  why have I gotten so much more depressed over the years?  will this ever change?  this doesn't make any sense being that I have been following God the best I can....    it were these moments, that i began to go down a swirl of hopelessness,   to the point of just wanting to quit life all together - let's just say i was depressed, big time.   

it was these moments of darkness that you think would thrust me to my wits end.. 

but i kept going, just living day to day, so aimless...   

there was a moment i wept in church, feeling so lost.. it felt good to do that, because most of the time my emotions are trapped in my cage of logic, and I don't give myself room to feel....  so to just cry my eyes out (though i still didn't have answers) felt so nice...  

honestly over those months - i felt pretty jaded, wasn't sure what to do anymore..  

i have had so many teachings from right and left telling me what was necessary to know God... 

i have been filled with ideas of what it takes to live a valuable life, not just on the outside, but on the inside...  to please Him with my heart, not just my actions..

but this desire troubled me constantly.. 

i would feel down and out when i wouldn't spend the time i needed with Him...

i had become so weak, not only before man and offering them any sort of spiritual input, but now before God...   so weak..   

i am not doing anything right God, what do you think of me now?

(and really WHAT IS RIGHT??!! i've only heard what people have said is right, and those standards bombard me)...   but what does the bible say??

I let it all go, everything I thought was the right way to find Him...  I quit.
but there were number of times, where I would try to read the bible, but really...  i just wasn't sure how to find Him anymore, so I felt so lost when I would even try to slow down and focus on Him..

He was killing me, destroying all of it...   kinda like burning up a field so it can grow even more..  

not joke, i honestly feel like He was aggressively destroying the tower of babel within my soul that spent years and years and yeaaaars trying to reach Him on my own... 

He said - stop it...  

but how am I to get to You God?   all around just a crumbled mess....

it was an awkward in between of letting go of my methods, but not fully embracing that He tore the veil and made a way for me...  i let go of one rope, but wasn't grasping on to the other...  just dropping in the air...  and it was dark, so i wasn't sure what way i was dropping.

then two weeks ago, i just hit the bottom..

i was a swirl of swirls...  i have nothing...

the flood waters are up to my neck and i have no foothold to put my feet on..

i had to sing a worship set, and i literally felt like i didn't even have strength to sing, i was so weary...

but it was weird because at the same time, though i felt so lost, and far from Him...  

i felt like God would talk to me as I sang..   

people would walk in the room during my worship set, and I would hear Him tell me what was going on with them...  i would wrestle on whether I wanted to posture myself to minister to them, but I went with it anyways...   so I would just proclaim what I heard, singing God's heart over them...   i would pick up my things, leave the church, and hear testimonies of people who cried as they listened to me sing the exact thing going on in their hearts.. 

it was in those moments, that I was like - okay, maybe I can hear God.  

but still, it had been months since I had felt a trickle of hope, desire for Him, a dream to do anything for Him,  and any light hitting my inner man...  all of that seemed like a distant memory, I felt more lost than found.. 

but then all of a sudden things just shifted in the last three days...

to spare the details, and honestly I don't want to spill all my guts on here...

two weeks ago God swooped in by having an extremely straight forward mentor of mine come talk with me one night and she told me that i needed to meet with a friend of hers...  

little did I realize that God had set up a divine appointment for me to pray with a lady in the boonies of washington..  (random i know)..  

so a couple days ago, i went, and i felt like God met me... 

I left this two hour prayer meeting with this random lady who I'll probably never see again..

and i felt like things were different...  something changed... 

i felt hope again, not just in my walk with God, but in just living...

it was during that prayer meeting I got a glimpse that the Father God was happy that I was alive, when He was laying out His plans to form me in my mother's womb, He was so happy...   i have honestly lived a life feeling the opposite, like God was unhappy with me, and that I was constantly failing Him, and that I just wasn't good enough...  but for the first time, I felt His pleasure.  

it was in this meeting that i was encouraged to live from my heart and not my brainy mind...  

though i may feel pain, and though i may feel sad, or mad, or glad or whatever it may be....  it's best that I feel it, and communicate it with God, talk with Him about it, invite Him in it, rather than applying logic to my emotions and pushing them to the side... 

the lady prayed abundant life over me...   yes abundant life.. 

i can't really explain everything that took place in that random experience in the woods, but all i can say is that i am grateful...  very grateful....  

yesterday i went to bible study, and as we read the scriptures about God being jealous for us, my eyes began to tear up....   i felt like the Word hit my heart for the first time in a while, tasting the goodness of God... 

He has led me through this valley of death, and though I feared evil, He still brought me through...  and now I feel like He has placed me before my enemies, to feast, and giving me a cup that overflows...

i am not going to tell you to stop reading the bible.

or stop having quiet times with Jesus..

but i do know that deep questioning of what the heck you're doing is good.

why do you do this and that?   is it because you read that in the Word of God, or because someone told you that was the formula to know Him?  

what is it to really know God?  

what does it take to get to know Him better..

rather than defaulting to the teachings you've heard, I dare you to stop and find it in scripture. 

i am far from beckoning anyone to do anything, as I am weak as you all are... i feel like i have no testimonial strength or power to say do this or that... 

but i do know that I am breathing right now, and that my heart feels alive again, and for this, Jesus I am thankful..

i don't have formulas for you anymore.

the a + b, seems to always include me, and i think this whole time He is trying to make me realize the equation is H + I + M  

still learning day by day,

court