May 14 - Day 1 of a Normal Life

well. today marks a big day for me.

may 14

the day i moved back to my home town.

all my adulthood, i was gone, 

visiting home for christmas, and every now and then another part of the year.

my dad would constantly say he was praying for me to return.

i would cringe at the thought - thinking that would never happen.

i had bigger and better things to do (and yes, that was really my mindset).

now here i am.

and i've learned so much. 

He has changed me so much.

everything i am about to say, 

may sound like a repeat of things you've heard me say before, 

some thoughts new, 

but others just going deeper in my heart as values to live by.

 there is not much of a sequence below.. just thinking out loud.

>>>>>>>>>>

i went out to dinner with a younger gal tonight.

it was a good capper to this day signifying so much.

i don't realize how much is busting at the seams in me until i encounter hungry people.

however, what is bursting in me now is different than what was bursting in me before.

rather than lofty things.

it's now simple things.

sober.

simple things.

not hype.

just reality of the journey

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i kinda feel like Nebuchadnezzar. 

crazy comparison i know.

but i feel like He took my huge kingdom of ambition.

and has brought me to nothing.

not because he closed a million doors.

the doors were actually wide open, 

but he invited me to not walk through them.

to meet Him at the cross 

and not the palace i built for my own name - 

masking it by saying it was for His fame.

so talented.

so much passion.

so much favor.

now i'm eating grass 

(not really, but you get the picture).

I say this with much appreciation for God.

It's not like He was punishing me.

i honestly feel like He saved me.

does He do this with everyone?

I'm not sure.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

when i think of our walks in God...

rather than being strong, i want to see people feel okay to be weak.

rather than hearing people's plans to take over a nation for God,

I want them to be honest that they are actually having a hard time believing.

rather than hearing people repeat fiery statements they heard from a ministry leader.

i want to hear their latest commentary on a passage they read that day. 

over the years - i have had so much engrained in me, 

this is what knowing God looks like.

this is what making Him known looks like.

it created a framework in my heart that hoped in myself more than in Him.

now it's a process of reprogramming, and seeing what the bible really says.
and honesty the process has been grueling for me.
So much wonder of what is true
and what is just man's prescription from their interpretation
of Scripture.

i get weary when i hear people talk about how they want to encounter Jesus in certain ways, 

or when they feel like they need to get to a,b,c, to finally be in glorious place in Him.

when they stay up late hours crying out for Him, and He is already inside of them.

i think we can tend to glorify our methods far more than Jesus.

i have done this for years, and it's always causes me to feel like I am never measuring up.

what if in the midst of my busy life..

I am okay because God is in me.

I can talk with Him, and enjoy Him, and let Him enjoy me..

even if i'm not fasting, or in solitude for days..

i want reality.

i don't want what seems spiritual.

or what passionate people say is right.

what does the bible say.

i want that.

if you're part of a ministry or a program 

where you're told every day what your life in God is to look like.

i would encourage you to take some time and search it out yourself.

if you've been in that program for years, i would recommend taking a break for a while,

 live a bit of normal life..
i think a good dosage of it, is good for the ambitious soul.
It will seriously expose where your identity lies.

 I would dare to say that the program or ministry is not supposed to be
your life....  Or even what makes up your Christianity...
It can play part in it, but not define it, or hold it up.
In a moment it can disappear, and if you're leaning too much, you'll crumble quick.
Jesus & the gospel is the main story, not the ministry plans.

Jesus goes with you everywhere.
He won't disappear and can be fully leaned upon to define us.

Kill me if you want, but those are my honest thoughts...

Side note: I think mothers understand this more than most,
as they have had to surrender everything to be home
and serve in the secret place.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i was talking to one of my best friends the other day, and I said,

"the most stretching thing for me, is to live a normal life.."

i've had lofty vision.

i have had many prophetic words for my future.

but what's stretches me the most is saying yes to the mundane.

and to know that I am okay in it.

God's ways are seriously not our ways...

He cares for our hearts, and in every season of the soul, 

He really is so so good.
He cares for us so much.

i know this blog entry wasn't so profound.

 but wanted to write on this day that signifies when God literally turned my world upside down...

May 14 - the first day of my normal life.