living as a NOMAD - learning to lose control

well.

i bought a one way ticket to go visit home (idaho) for a little while.
it's been almost ten years since I have been at home for a long period of time.
i left when I was 19.

get ready - i am about to be extremely vulnerable (this blogging thing is a big deal for me, bec really i haven't blogged in years...  mainly due to the fact that i use to be so scared to be seen as something i wasn't, or i was bondage driven conscious of being so honest in my speech, that I wouldn't want to write things that may have not been fully true... so in that case, I would just be silent instead).

so know that if you read my little posts..  i honestly find this quite risky and a big deal, so thanks for taking the time to read.

i honestly feel so lost right now.
which is exposing so many things in me.
so many crutches i have leaned on.
so many things that have weakly anchored my value system of self.

i have to admit.
God has given me more talents than I know what to do with.
and i feel like most of them are being wasted right now.

what in the world am i suppose to be doing God?

.....  selah.

that word doing.  seems like a cuss word to the modern lovers of Jesus today -- bec we need to learn not to "earn" anything from doing...  but to receive His love freely.
but at the same time, it haunts my choleric mind.
it's familiar to my lingo to say "it's not about doing."
i've taught on it, and i've sung the message over many hearts..  
but really when the rubber hits the road. i am realizing more and more.
my identity is sooooo rooted in what I do.

why can't God just be enough for me?
when i think of living in Idaho, or in San Diego, or Colorado or wherever..
why can't God just be enough?  where i don't have to be involved in something major...  but living a quiet life, loving Him, loving others, and being obedient to the Holy Spirit as He conforms me to the image of Christ.   i want to get to this point.  and i think that is where God is taking me...   but I think the journey there confounds the heck out of my mind.

why do i feel like i always have to be in charge?
why do i feel like i should be the one in on the meetings where we are strategizing how to change the world?

i have been in those meetings...  many of them.
especially this past year and a half.

then i find myself in the back yard of a house in san diego.
laying in the grass, looking at the sky saying to myself "I was suppose to be starting houses of prayer in every nation of the world and here I am laying on this blanket in san diego w/ no agenda, what. in. the. world?"

He is purging me.  this I know.
i am not mad.  just feel like I am dangling...
and I feel like I can't see one step in front of me..

and really, He is loosing me of control.
that could sum up prob much of it...

but really,  I'd rather have His way than anything...
it's just my logic so desperately wanting to wrap itself around something that is higher than itself.. and i don't think it's possible.

so i will rest in the fact that God isn't going to give me an agenda at this point.
my only agenda is letting Him love me for me and not for what I do, loving Him, and others.
which really is all that matters.

so much surrender is still needing to take place, because I am not completely okay with just that -- which is troubling...  i would say this could equate to "mourning" in the beatitudes.  mourning over my sin (idolizing works & my abilities),  realizing the place He has intended for my heart to be -- yet i fall so desperately short of understanding it, and living it out.   I need Him to lead me down paths of righteousness.   I need Him to conform in me the image of Christ.  and I need Him to perfect my faith.

all i can do is obey as He kindly leads.
His gentleness is what makes me great.

great and marvelous are all of Your works, just and true are all of Your ways!

amen.

learning learning

bad health.

i am learning more and more about myself while i am here.
some random things and some deeper things..

one random thing is that i am the type of person who likes to get things done so quick, and i don't really think of how the aftermath could be detrimental.

for instance -- i had and still have a tooth ache, so i slammed lots of ibuprofen to make it feel better.. did this for about 5 days straight... it made my tooth feel better, but over time i started getting major abdominal pain...

come to find out i got an ulcer from this.

it's probably one of the top most painful things I have experienced.
but then it's funny bec I got meds for the ulcer, and i instantly just want to pop tons of them to decrease the pain..  but if i did that it would prob cause another problem..  so I am trying to be patient..  and I am eating like a bird (everything has to be bland, no seasoning, not fried, no fat, no chocolate, no caffeine, no acidy foods) -- if you know me at all, you would know that this is quite stretching for me, bec burgers and fries, strong espresso, and dessert every night after din are habitual eating patterns for me...   but it's good -- it's like an involuntary fast i guess ;)

my meals

plans being altered.

i was suppose to go to ventura and hang out w a good friend Liz Delgadillo this weekend, but my stomach is too sore at this point...  hopefully i will next weekend.

also i was intending to go to mexico for the week after ventura with some friends who live down there -- (to have a little retreat)...   but i can't now bec my passport didn't come in (i got papers saying they basically didn't believe I was the real courtney gorman, and they need extensive proof)... i am assuming it's bec my birth certificate was from Idaho, my license was from Missouri, my current address was Colorado, and I wanted them to mail the passport to California...  probably seemed a bit sketch ;)

so my plans to go to europe, or new zealand are going to be pushed back significantly...  bec it will take a bit to get all the proof gathered (especially because they want documentation from atleast 5 years ago -- with moving locations constantly, my possessions are few, and I've burned and ripped up many things I thought weren't necessary..  so it will be tricky to dig up old docs to prove my identity).

with that said -- i am seeing how I don't need to put so much pressure on me knowing each step of the way -- bec He actually is opening and closing doors to give me somewhat of a clue... which is very nice..

how long in SD?

I am in San Diego -- and it's still quite weird for me to not know what my long term plan is going to be..  i have vision, but really have no idea how God wants to play it out (I thought I knew, but I need to surrender those ideas to Him, and let Him be the guide for the fulfillment of the dream).  however I have chosen to not position my heart to feel the pressure of having to make a decision about the next step, or even the long term strategy to get to the vision..   just live for today.. because honestly to let my mind and heart go there to figure things - it feels like unnecessary chaos -- and I must trust the Lord will show me as I wait.

Tiffy asked me the other day "courtney are you really going to leave in May?"  (because that would equal a month of me being here, which was the plan)..  the thought seemed odd to me, and so sudden...   I have a feeling it's strategic that I am here for a season (whether that's just for a few more weeks or longer)... So all in all I am open to the idea of possibly staying here longer than what I expected -- some of you may chuckle at that, bec you probably knew the whole time that may have been the case... so i have to admit, I am open to that idea (at first i wasn't)... but if He wants that, then I want it...

 i go on walks a lot lately.

 

 

 a beautiful time at the beach.

 

 really feel that my relationship with alissa valdez (ricky's little sis) is very strategic.  i could say that if the only reason God led me to SD was to run alongside this young lady..  it was worth it and i'd do it a hundred times over.  she's one of the great in the earth, a friend of Jesus. 

no reservations no walls.

i kinda don't know how to position my heart in a season where I don't know if I will be here long or short... so even with getting involved with community -- how much I should invest my heart into this, bec in a month I could be leaving..

when i think of Jesus, i can see Him being one who is ALL there... whether it was for a short time or long time... He invested in the people, and didn't hold His heart back from loving people..  I want to do the same (though that scares me kinda)..   practically though, thinking of "joining" a church and get involve... that's where I just don't know -- because I am not sure how long I will be here..

 

 these are the folks i am with day in and day out. lovely people.

being the new person.

it's interesting going to a church and knowing that's pretty much the community you have to draw from...   haven't been in a place like this for almost ten years being that i have been in programs, and ministries that had tons of community in them...  (not that I am saying that is good or that I am saying that is bad, i'll figure that later)...

so here I am going to this church called "All People's Church" -- it's really awesome from what I have experienced so far (they are really into Jesus, missions, discipleship, and church planting)...  
it's always an experience being the new person in a sea of people...  where I go to church and sit towards the back... go to the college group and do the same.. just feeling things out..   no one knows you and you don't know anyone....  it's actually kinda fun, and oddly adventurous to me..  it wasn't always like that though -- I remember going to IHOP after leaving Teen Mania and being in a sea of people and that was actually extremely difficult for me -- (a major test of where my identity found it's nurture)...   this time...  i can't say that I don't feel any slight discomfort of being the new person, but I'm not concerned about it.... just living my life and going with the flow in this new environment..  and again just having to being patient with God's timing on things. 

i commend the people loving Jesus.

I am learning more and more that obedience is best and being faithful to love the person in front of you is productive and fruitful in the kingdom (so simple but so profound to me at this point)..   when i see a lover of Jesus who is being faithful in their community of believers and giving themselves to loving Him and loving others not because someone is making them, or because everyone around them is doing it...  it's encouraging to me... 

i met a young lady at this college group gathering last night.
being that I was the visitor/new person -- she approached me and did the usually "hi, what's your name... etc"  through a bit of small talk and realizing we knew the same people -- she mentioned an internship in texas called the honor academy she was part of :))  from that point on we chatted for what seemed to be almost an hour...   she just graduated the HA this past August, so it was exciting to see this young gal loving Jesus, and being discipled by people in the church and her herself discipling others...  she feels called to be an intercessor and has a heart for the nations, but the Lord told her to stay back for now and love on the people around her...  I was able to commend her for that decision and encourage her as intercessor to let Jesus' reward be our end in my in intercession...

good bye.
i have so much more to talk about -- but that's all for now.

boundarylines are pleasant.
lately tiff and i have been in the house all day.
amos is really sick...
and their other car is broke..

we go on walks occasionally.
today is a rainy day so we have been inside all day..

i think not doing anything is forcing me to rest...
not having a car and being far from the beach..   it's all God's strategy to make me okay with just sitting...   no agenda, no schedule...

it's uncomfortable but good...

even the smallest things I am realizing God is stretching me... as random as it sounds... this morning I noticed how it's quite uncomfortable for me to not be able to wash my clothes any time i want...  ask anyone who knows me well, i love to be clean (maybe too clean)..   and the fact that i can't just throw my clothes in the wash at any moment, is actually very uncomfortable for me..  (so weird i know) -- however if I am going to spend time in another nation someday and if I am going to be hunted by those who hate Him in the end of the age, I need to learn to not have everything at my finger tips...

anyway...   i hope all of this is productive in the Lord's eyes...

jason upton.
today we were listening to some old jason upton (he was my inspiration of prophetic worship)..
i remember when i was 21-22 listening to Jacob's Dream CD all the time (takes me back to when I was a Core Advisor for the second year at teen mania, upstairs carrie hall..  laying on the futon)... i have to say that was my favorite year at teen mania (the 3rd of the 6).  that year i realized I could KNOW Jesus, and put my heart to searching out the gospels over and over to experience Him. 

Today: we played it for pleasure's sake...  and i was baffled by the lyrics of two of his songs (many of them are good, but two struck me as the song of the season).

these two songs i have memorized, and have soaked in for hours in the past...   however they made more sense to me now more than ever..   they are below...   read them as if I typed them to express...  rather than just song lyrics...

song1.
Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don't
Tired of telling you I'll follow
When I know I really won't
Cause I'd rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way

In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet I can feel the fire
And it's burning, burning deeply
Burning all that it is that you desire to be silent, in me

Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom's all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear your holy name
And create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways

song2.
Jacob really longed to be a hero
All I really wanted was a friend
I'm the way, the life, the truth
So tell Me Jacob when will the lying end?
And does the striving make you strong?
Because when I came to love on you
You fought me till the dawn

Finally Jacob's lying down
And while he sleeps I will dream
Of a generation not known for their crowns,
Or success, but a King...
Who was not so much as interested in crowds, or
Pleasing men, but knowing Me

I have given Jacob's generation the key of David, intimacy
To open up the doorway to the nations, and release
Revelation, of intimacy, with me

Jacob had a dream for all the ages
Jacob had a drive to build a nation
But the fighting is in vain
If your only aim is to build your own great name

Because My dream's not what you do
Jacob will you dream for me
The way that I have dreamed for you
I have given Jacob's generation the key of David, intimacy
To open up the doorway to the nations, and release
Revelation, of intimacy, with me


theKEY
I had many people give me words of prophecy before I launched into this place of being a "nomad"
one said "God is going to give you a key to a key hole that you do not have yet" -- another said "the secret place in the Lord will give you the keys to your unique call" --  so that second song was interesting to me...  the first song -- i almost felt that the other day when i was on the porch with Jesus...   silent...  but crying out "Lord teach me Your ways....  what Your kingdom is really all about"...

I trust You Jesus...   do what You need to have your full reward in me.

sannnn diiiegoooo

long walks, long drives, lots of food, good talks, many thoughts..  

i was spending time w/ the Lord today...  and as I read the words of Jesus as He explained the cost of being a disciple..  and to be honest they seemed quite weighty...  i was like "i feel so far from this..."   pick up your cross.. deny yourself..  hate your very own life..."  wow wow wow...   

but then i remembered something tiffy said on easter.   she said something like this (not her exact words but the message she was getting across) "i am thankful that the power that brought me from the kingdom of darkness to the kingdom of light...  this power of the gospel that saved my soul from hell, and made me at peace with God...  is the same power that is helping me be holy."  it's such a good reminder that we cannot finish in the flesh what He started in the Spirit...   Lord I need Your help..

i don't want to be intoxicated with the lust of this world.  the vain attempts of being comforted by entertainment, food, materials, the praise of man...    it's so easy to this.. SO easy..  but it really does take a conscious choice to go the other direction...   it's a serious thing...   there is coming a day when we won't get what we want...  we won't be able to buy or sell unless we worship the antichrist..   (pretty dramatic thought, but it's true)...  i don't want to default to filling myself with other things, when that space could have been filled with the knowledge of God...

i really do like california, but i'll tell you one thing -- the worship of self is haywire here..  more than i have seen probably anywhere I have been..

 the cool thing is... there is so much we can experience in God...  He is there to be discovered, it just takes our time to actually be intimate with Him...   Lord help me to be wise.

day to day.

the sun is nice in san diego. i like to be outside.

i realized i am a bit afraid to be in a city.. when i walk by myself i get a bit paranoid that i may get attacked in some way shape or form when i pass some creepy man on the street.   tiffy says it's real safe down here, so there is nothing to worry about.

friends.

i had some wonderful friends visit me yesterday.  i was extremely blessed.

they took a trip to Mexico, and drove up here to take me to lunch.  when i got in the car one of them told me they had been praying for me for an hour as they drove up to get me.  they had many many words of encouragement, and had a song from the Lord that they played for me.  it was crazy bec a little ways into our car ride to the restaurant, i just began to cry....   they then played this song for me:

it was by Jason Upton (who was one of my old time favs back in the day)...  it went like this.

Don’t be afraid baby don’t you cry
Daddy’s here it will be all right
You’re not alone you’re not alone
Don’t be afraid when you’re cold at night
I will keep you warm I will hold you tight
You’re not alone you’re not alone

Look beyond the window there
To the sky above to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe

The lion roars and the lamb lays down
They live together in a whole new town
They’re calling me and they’re calling you
From the cold hard facts that we’re on our own
To the age old truth that we’re not alone

Don’t be afraid when you scrape your knee
I’ve got a band aide waiting and a kiss for free
You’re not alone you’re not alone
Don’t be afraid of your blind belief
Because the more you fly the more you’ll see
You’re not alone you’re not alone

Look beyond the window there
To the sky above to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe

The lion roars and the lamb lays down
They live together in a whole new town
They’re calling me and they’re calling you
From the cold hard facts that we’re on our own
To the age old truth that we’re not alone

Don’t be afraid little warrior bride
Your victory’s on the other side
You’re not alone you’re not alone

it was a sweet comfort to see my friend angie baird.  she is such a comrade to me in this journey.  i have met many many people in my life, and i can say she is probably one of the most provoking people i have ever met.   the real deal; follows His Word, obeys His voice, desires to be holy as He is holy, and genuinely loves.  and in addition to that probably one of the most adventurous and crazy fun people to be around.  thank you ang for your faithful friendship.  
the Lord has used you to play a significant role in my life..

the valdez fam.

it's been a delight to be around two of my best friends - rick and tiff.  tiffany is so crazy funny..  her and i feed off each other SO MUCH..   many people (especially ones who have lived with me) have seen my side that is off the wall nutso crazzzzzy funny..   imagine that X's 2...   Tiff is exactly like me!  hahahahah  we are so hilarious together!

something that i have enjoyed is my convos with her...

one of the things love about tiff is that we could converse about anything, any where for hours..   i love to listen to her talk..  she is animated, passionate and so real and sincere.   she loves the Lord and we just understand each other in the spirit (kindred for sure)..     also we like to make up songs together (whether funny or real) and it's like two peas in a pod...

we had picnic in the park for easter.  that was fun. 

  i really enjoy ricky's little sister alissa valdez.  i've known her since she was 12.  this is a girl full of gold.   and i am excited to see her shine with all God has put in her! she's a friend of God.

amos justice.

i love this little guy amos.  he is seriously the most precious boy.  he could probably be used in therapy sessions...   his kind spirit just brings so much joy.

takin pics.

i love taking pictures.  tiffy is teaching me how to use a good camera (other than always using an iphone, though i LOVE taking pics on the iphone :)))

that is all for now..   good bye. 

Day 4 in san diego :)
i got sick the day I came (with the cold).

just getting over it, so today felt like the first normal day.
i am staying with some of my best friends in life. Ricky and Tiffany Valdez.



Usually when I leave one community to the next -- I have a car ride of about 8 hours to process. This time I got on a plane and two hours later the next chapter of life began.
so getting here so quick, and getting sick where I was napping a lot -- I feel like I haven't processed the fact that I just left Colorado.

there have only been a few moments being here where it has hit me just slightly.. playing with the Valdez's son Amos,

there have been a couple times where I have played with him, and began to tear up as I remember little Tyler Peake, and Ollie & Emayah Krehbiel (all three of these babes I got real close to in CO).

miss you my little lovelies.  I was never really close to kids until I moved to Colorado.. I think that was one of the big things the Lord formed in me in colorado was just a love for children (to be honest, I use to think they were annoying, and I was uncomfortable with them).  

Also the only other moment where it's slightly hit me is....  as random as it sounds,  this yesterday morning two guitar picks fell out of my jeans, and when I saw them I got sad (remembering how I loved leading worship).  

why i am in san diego
To all who may have not been in the loop thus far.  The Lord has called me to a time away to "rest" -- and San Diego was highlighted to me.  So being in the thick of ministry for almost 10 years, and having many opportunities in front of me to put my hand to -- He has called me away to just be with Him for a while.   

My sabbatical is for the month of April.  After this, I have whirled around in my mind time and time again to figure where I am to go next to "labor" ... however, every time I tried to decide if I should be planted in Kansas City, in Colorado, in Idaho, in Texas -- anywhere really...  I just felt so unsettled. 

I had a good friend tell me -- Courtney just listen to His voice and obey.  I was honest in my reply and said "I don't think I can hear God, I am asking Him what I am to do next, and I can't hear Him"!  She then responded with such an enlightening thought.  She said, "Courtney, you DO hear God, the fact that you feel unsettled about June, is you HEARING God."  He is basically saying you're not suppose to know right now -- all you know is that you're to go to San Diego, so be obedient to that.

It's crazy the fears that have come up inside of me in this journey.  The fears that I am putting off my "calling" and setting myself up where prophetic promises will be fulfilled later rather than sooner. 
I am reading this book called "the Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson...   and it's challenging me in a few ways.  This story is about a man named Ordinary and he is from the town Familiar.  He got a Big Dream from the Dream Giver (God), and risked to leave the town of Familiar to follow His dream.

the w a s t e l a n d
As he left the town he went through many obstacles.  One of them that is familiar to me was the season of the Wastleland.  It was the desert place where he couldn't see his dream in sight.  it was a place where all he had was the scorching sun and a lack of water.  he began to doubt if the Dream Giver really gave him this dream because he couldn't see anything close to it in front of him. it was in this season he needed to have faith to believe, and to press on.

s u r r e n d e r
later on this guy kills the giants,  has abundant encounter with the Lord, and he finally gets to the place where he sees his Dream right in front of him.... all the hard work and perseverance, and here it is, before his eyes for the taking....  and then the Dream Giver (God) -- said something to the man...  that made me tear up..

"Ordinary, give me your dreams..."   

it was in this place that he wrestled, and finally came to the point where he said,


"I will give You my dreams, I want You more than my dreams, You ARE my dream."


after he surrendered, then a bit later, the Lord gave him his dream back, but it was even BIGGER, because it was now God's dream.

As I look back on my life and all the prophetic words given to me from others, and what I have felt God has spoken over me.  It was the wasteland of not seeing the dream in sight that I thought the "surrender" happened...  which I do think that a major degree of surrender can happen in the wasteland...  but now I am seeing that the wastelands (desert times) were the times that almost seemed involuntary, and it was seasons like this that invited me to not find identity in my "assignment"  and caused me to lay down my ambitions in my heart (but really it was out of reacting to the circumstance of "not having" that ushered me into that place - I used it as an escort into clinging to Him alone). 

but the level of ultimate surrender is when you are actually faced with the dream...  and it's right at hand.. (the dream you think is the utmost dream)... and the Lord says --come and be with me, want ME more than you want your "ministry assignment"...  

 I am not sure if this is the way God works with every person.  I know for sure that He brings us all through the wasteland.   and i think we should probably all get to the state in our hearts where we want God more than our assignment..  when we get to that place, I believe it's there that God will give us His dreams, and He'll call us to do thing we never would have imagined.

So all in all..  

the route to fulfilling His dreams, may look opposite of what we thought.  however, the best thing we can do is obey His voice. even if it doesn't make sense...  because our good isn't always His best..   He knows how we are to get there -- so every step of obedience counts as productive in His books...


again -- as I have taken this step of only knowing to come to SD..  it honestly makes no sense in my logic..  i understand to a degree.. but the fact that He isn't letting me make "plans" -- that's where I am learning to have to surrender.. and trust Him every step of the way..

so here goes....

here we go again.

i have been in transition before. many many many times.

i have picked up and moved to foreign places, leaving family and friends... all of these, many many times.

however -- i can say that every time i do it.

it stings.

i feel His nearness in it all, and see the reward of meeting Him in a place where I know only a few -- but it's always painful to say goodbye.

Lord I climb this mountain with my hands wide open.

I want You, so I will follow where You lead.

-court