Day 4 in san diego :)
i got sick the day I came (with the cold).

just getting over it, so today felt like the first normal day.
i am staying with some of my best friends in life. Ricky and Tiffany Valdez.



Usually when I leave one community to the next -- I have a car ride of about 8 hours to process. This time I got on a plane and two hours later the next chapter of life began.
so getting here so quick, and getting sick where I was napping a lot -- I feel like I haven't processed the fact that I just left Colorado.

there have only been a few moments being here where it has hit me just slightly.. playing with the Valdez's son Amos,

there have been a couple times where I have played with him, and began to tear up as I remember little Tyler Peake, and Ollie & Emayah Krehbiel (all three of these babes I got real close to in CO).

miss you my little lovelies.  I was never really close to kids until I moved to Colorado.. I think that was one of the big things the Lord formed in me in colorado was just a love for children (to be honest, I use to think they were annoying, and I was uncomfortable with them).  

Also the only other moment where it's slightly hit me is....  as random as it sounds,  this yesterday morning two guitar picks fell out of my jeans, and when I saw them I got sad (remembering how I loved leading worship).  

why i am in san diego
To all who may have not been in the loop thus far.  The Lord has called me to a time away to "rest" -- and San Diego was highlighted to me.  So being in the thick of ministry for almost 10 years, and having many opportunities in front of me to put my hand to -- He has called me away to just be with Him for a while.   

My sabbatical is for the month of April.  After this, I have whirled around in my mind time and time again to figure where I am to go next to "labor" ... however, every time I tried to decide if I should be planted in Kansas City, in Colorado, in Idaho, in Texas -- anywhere really...  I just felt so unsettled. 

I had a good friend tell me -- Courtney just listen to His voice and obey.  I was honest in my reply and said "I don't think I can hear God, I am asking Him what I am to do next, and I can't hear Him"!  She then responded with such an enlightening thought.  She said, "Courtney, you DO hear God, the fact that you feel unsettled about June, is you HEARING God."  He is basically saying you're not suppose to know right now -- all you know is that you're to go to San Diego, so be obedient to that.

It's crazy the fears that have come up inside of me in this journey.  The fears that I am putting off my "calling" and setting myself up where prophetic promises will be fulfilled later rather than sooner. 
I am reading this book called "the Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson...   and it's challenging me in a few ways.  This story is about a man named Ordinary and he is from the town Familiar.  He got a Big Dream from the Dream Giver (God), and risked to leave the town of Familiar to follow His dream.

the w a s t e l a n d
As he left the town he went through many obstacles.  One of them that is familiar to me was the season of the Wastleland.  It was the desert place where he couldn't see his dream in sight.  it was a place where all he had was the scorching sun and a lack of water.  he began to doubt if the Dream Giver really gave him this dream because he couldn't see anything close to it in front of him. it was in this season he needed to have faith to believe, and to press on.

s u r r e n d e r
later on this guy kills the giants,  has abundant encounter with the Lord, and he finally gets to the place where he sees his Dream right in front of him.... all the hard work and perseverance, and here it is, before his eyes for the taking....  and then the Dream Giver (God) -- said something to the man...  that made me tear up..

"Ordinary, give me your dreams..."   

it was in this place that he wrestled, and finally came to the point where he said,


"I will give You my dreams, I want You more than my dreams, You ARE my dream."


after he surrendered, then a bit later, the Lord gave him his dream back, but it was even BIGGER, because it was now God's dream.

As I look back on my life and all the prophetic words given to me from others, and what I have felt God has spoken over me.  It was the wasteland of not seeing the dream in sight that I thought the "surrender" happened...  which I do think that a major degree of surrender can happen in the wasteland...  but now I am seeing that the wastelands (desert times) were the times that almost seemed involuntary, and it was seasons like this that invited me to not find identity in my "assignment"  and caused me to lay down my ambitions in my heart (but really it was out of reacting to the circumstance of "not having" that ushered me into that place - I used it as an escort into clinging to Him alone). 

but the level of ultimate surrender is when you are actually faced with the dream...  and it's right at hand.. (the dream you think is the utmost dream)... and the Lord says --come and be with me, want ME more than you want your "ministry assignment"...  

 I am not sure if this is the way God works with every person.  I know for sure that He brings us all through the wasteland.   and i think we should probably all get to the state in our hearts where we want God more than our assignment..  when we get to that place, I believe it's there that God will give us His dreams, and He'll call us to do thing we never would have imagined.

So all in all..  

the route to fulfilling His dreams, may look opposite of what we thought.  however, the best thing we can do is obey His voice. even if it doesn't make sense...  because our good isn't always His best..   He knows how we are to get there -- so every step of obedience counts as productive in His books...


again -- as I have taken this step of only knowing to come to SD..  it honestly makes no sense in my logic..  i understand to a degree.. but the fact that He isn't letting me make "plans" -- that's where I am learning to have to surrender.. and trust Him every step of the way..

so here goes....