2013 // a year of M E R C Y

2 0 1 3.

i have to confess that i am happy to say goodbye to you.

to start another year with stepping stones consisting of lessons learned.

i say with no exxageration that this passed year was the hardest year of my life.
there are hard seasons that come as a result of the Lord inviting you into them.
then there are hard season that come because you inflicted them on yourself.

i have learned many lessons in my life.
some through books,
some through teachings,
some through life experience.

in 2013 my lesson of the year
was learned through
e x p e r i e n c e 

let us begin.

i remember wrestling with the idea of grace.
I was processing out loud with a good friend
 asking "why can't i just get it,
why can't i just get a revelation of grace,
why won't God just give me understanding"

they responded with a wise statement.
"Courtney, I don't think He is just going to have you "get it"
He wants you to "experience it."

little did I realized the journey ahead.

...............................................

PEACE VS. NO PEACE

there are times in our lives where God warns us and tells us not to do things.
though on the outside it may seem fine,
for some reason He is telling us no.
He is so wise, that though we can't see what's ahead,
He does, and He doesn't want us going there - and I think He does this to protect us.

Moments like these can sometimes make no logical sense but we obey anyway.
Yet there are other times, you know deep in your knower that it makes total sense
because you see the slippery slopes ahead,
and He is not inviting you down those slopes, but guarding you from them.

personally He tends to guide me by:
giving me peace,
or giving me no peace.

however,
I have come to see that if I want something bad enough,
 though I don't feel peace,
I can justify it enough
to conclued that it's my own analytical methods that are making things confusing,
 and figure that it's me who is actually making me not feel peace, not God.
So I then go do what I want.

...............................................

NOT LISTENING TO GOD

it was spring time.
I was ambitious.
i was making some decisions.

decisions,
where, from the outside - seemed fine.
they seemed like typical life decisions.
even things I was participating in seemed like they were good ministry intentions.

but.

As I prayed it through.
As I thought it through.
I clearly felt from the Lord that I was not to proceed.

I had no peace.

I would like to say that I listened to Him,
obeyed Him completely,
and I lived happily every after,
but I don't think I would be writing this blog if it turned out that way.
 It actually turned out the opposite

I decided to clearly avoid His guidance.
and take the route I wanted.
and due to my disobedience the events that proceed became the biggest train wreck
i've ever experienced.

that may sound so dramatic.
especially if you look at my life.

it's not like anything really changed on the outside.
life still looked pretty normal.
I was working.
I was going to church.
I was playing on the worship team.
I was hanging with friends.

i didn't die.
i didn't lose a job.
I didn't fall off on the way side

though things on the outside didn't look all too bad.

on the inside.
 I was feeling confused
- in my calling.
 - in my walk with God
- my heart was in major pain
I was constantly feeling anxious.
feeling heavy.
feeling depressed.

I would ask God for help.
But here I was, totally avoiding Him.
this went on for about 8 months.
ya... 8 months of my 2013.

again... from the outside, you wouldn't look at my life and think
"wow court is in disobedience, she is totally living in sin..."
it didn't even look close to that..

BUT God knows our hearts,
and He was asking me to obey Him in certain things and I was ignoring Him.

He warned me many times.
but it took bigger warnings to actually wake me up.

those bigger warning came through
 faithful friends.
friends who were not afraid to wound me with Truth.
As they beckoned me to fully obey Him,
I knew that it was God's mercy that was warning me, and protecting me.

due to not listening to Him,
I have felt more pain this year than I ever have in my whole life.
I have hurt people this year more than I ever have.
I have felt moments of regret and loss this year than I ever have in my life.
sounds so depressing huh?

well.... i don't live there.

...............................................

GRATEFUL

though the turmoil was thick,
 and the pain was deep,
emotions I would categorize as ones He never intended me to experience.

I would actually say that what resounds most is gratitude.
 A deep deep gratitude for the mercy of God and the reality that He doesn't give up on us.


It baffles me to realize that He could have just let me go..
But He didn't.

After avoiding Him, and shutting Him out so much.
You would think He would say "fine, go your own way."

but no, He did the opposite,
He stepped right into the scene
 broke my legs and carried me away like a good shepherd tending a wandering lamb.

makes me think of Psalm 18,
as if He bowed the heavens and came down
rescued me from my enemies who were too strong for me,
and placed me in a spacious place because He delighted in me.

...........................................

NOT JUST "GETTING IT"


I am humbled as I look at this passed year.
with a track record of striving to live perfectly.
trying to be a leader to follow.
striving to know God and live a life worthy of the calling.
in all of my pride - i fell painfully short.

i found myself in a place where I desperately needed God's mercy.
Though I've always "known" that I needed God's mercy & grace..

He took it to a new level where
I truly e x p e r i e n c e it

mercy because He didn't give me what I did deserve,
 = (in our human standards, it makes sense that He should have give up on me, but He didn't).

grace because He gave me what I didn't deserve
= (something so painful and troubling -  He actually gave me hope).

so brothers and sisters.
learn from this.

obey God.
He is wise, so do what He says.
even the faintest whispers,
if He says yes, or if He says no.
just do it - and do it FULLY.

not just half way.
half way obedience is still disobedience.

when you compromise
you welcome anxiety, confusion, and depression.

when you obey and choose righteousness,
you welcome joy and peace in the Holy Spirit.

it's worth it to obey His voice,
you're not saying no to goodness and life when you radically obey Him
(it could be interrupted this way because often times it looks like sacrifice of
doing what you want to do),

 you're actually say yes to it.

He is wise,
He is kind,
 He sees what is ahead.
He won't give up on you,
He cares too much.

Listen,
it's for your own good.

-court

dark night to light

my heart feels tender.

it hasn't felt tender in a while. 

but i feel like my heart is breathing again, or feels hope again.

i feel free today more than ever. 

I feel like for the first time, I am beginning to realize that God truly likes me.

crazy to think that would be an issue, being that for years I have sung songs and prophetic songs, and taught on the love of Jesus...

i usually wouldn't be so open about my dark seasons (honestly I hate looking weak), but i have had a good friend who has faithfully walked with me step by step -- encourage me to blog during moments like these ...  my words are far from strong, weaker than they have ever been...  so it may be far from profound, but here is a little insight on the past few months...  

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this past summer was a treacherous summer for my inner man.

one that i think was destined by God.

a couple months of crucifying my methods of finding Him, and simply just knowing He is there.

i do not have much to cling to in the area of equations, or the to-do's when it comes to finding Jesus...  but i do know that sometimes you need to let go of those methods, to realize how much you relied on them, rather than relying on Him...

last year i felt like He stripped my ideas of ministry from me..

this past summer i feel like He stripped my ideas of "knowing Him" from me.

it was a day in june that i felt like i had been brainwashed with methods, and decided to stop them. 

and as I stopped them, I would try not to feel bad about stopping them. 

yes, you are guessing right - i stopped having daily devotional time with Jesus.

what was my number 1 pressing thing for all my walk with God...  

for about 3 months, i just stopped cultivating my secret life in Him..

I was challenged to come to God in my daily life, rather than just getting to a place of solitude, with the perfect music and bible in hand...  to learn to talk to Him always...   to not keep thinking God was some gas in the sky and if i posture my heart just right I would get a glimpse of Him, but to talk to Him like He is a physical being, that was listening and speaking all the time...  (that was my challenge, but honestly I stopped doing both, I stopped having time in solitude, and i stopped just talking with Him in my daily life... i barely prayed...  and when I did, it would shock me like "whoa, I haven't really talked with You in a while)....

as time went on, i felt like i was backsliding..  

it wasn't sin that scared me, it was not knowing Him as much as I thought I should that scared me. 

i'll tell you one thing -- doing that...   freaked me out.

it also made me feel so lost, and like a failure..

but for some reason - i felt like it was necessary..

it began to make me feel like when i did approach God, i had nothing to bring to the equation.

i am not promoting that people stop reading their bible, and spending time with God -- but in my case, it was something that i banked on to keep me safe...  i banked on to keep me...   rather than trusting the keeper of Israel to keep me..   

as time went on, i began to see the dark side of my life.

mainly in the area of my mind...

in the past year, if i felt confused on the outside, at least I felt like God was laying ground work on the inside...   

but what if you're confused on the outside, but ALSO the inside?  this was like wind, i have no grasp, i'm out of control, and i have no conclusions, and literally see no light at the end of the tunnel..   why am i not happy?  why have I gotten so much more depressed over the years?  will this ever change?  this doesn't make any sense being that I have been following God the best I can....    it were these moments, that i began to go down a swirl of hopelessness,   to the point of just wanting to quit life all together - let's just say i was depressed, big time.   

it was these moments of darkness that you think would thrust me to my wits end.. 

but i kept going, just living day to day, so aimless...   

there was a moment i wept in church, feeling so lost.. it felt good to do that, because most of the time my emotions are trapped in my cage of logic, and I don't give myself room to feel....  so to just cry my eyes out (though i still didn't have answers) felt so nice...  

honestly over those months - i felt pretty jaded, wasn't sure what to do anymore..  

i have had so many teachings from right and left telling me what was necessary to know God... 

i have been filled with ideas of what it takes to live a valuable life, not just on the outside, but on the inside...  to please Him with my heart, not just my actions..

but this desire troubled me constantly.. 

i would feel down and out when i wouldn't spend the time i needed with Him...

i had become so weak, not only before man and offering them any sort of spiritual input, but now before God...   so weak..   

i am not doing anything right God, what do you think of me now?

(and really WHAT IS RIGHT??!! i've only heard what people have said is right, and those standards bombard me)...   but what does the bible say??

I let it all go, everything I thought was the right way to find Him...  I quit.
but there were number of times, where I would try to read the bible, but really...  i just wasn't sure how to find Him anymore, so I felt so lost when I would even try to slow down and focus on Him..

He was killing me, destroying all of it...   kinda like burning up a field so it can grow even more..  

not joke, i honestly feel like He was aggressively destroying the tower of babel within my soul that spent years and years and yeaaaars trying to reach Him on my own... 

He said - stop it...  

but how am I to get to You God?   all around just a crumbled mess....

it was an awkward in between of letting go of my methods, but not fully embracing that He tore the veil and made a way for me...  i let go of one rope, but wasn't grasping on to the other...  just dropping in the air...  and it was dark, so i wasn't sure what way i was dropping.

then two weeks ago, i just hit the bottom..

i was a swirl of swirls...  i have nothing...

the flood waters are up to my neck and i have no foothold to put my feet on..

i had to sing a worship set, and i literally felt like i didn't even have strength to sing, i was so weary...

but it was weird because at the same time, though i felt so lost, and far from Him...  

i felt like God would talk to me as I sang..   

people would walk in the room during my worship set, and I would hear Him tell me what was going on with them...  i would wrestle on whether I wanted to posture myself to minister to them, but I went with it anyways...   so I would just proclaim what I heard, singing God's heart over them...   i would pick up my things, leave the church, and hear testimonies of people who cried as they listened to me sing the exact thing going on in their hearts.. 

it was in those moments, that I was like - okay, maybe I can hear God.  

but still, it had been months since I had felt a trickle of hope, desire for Him, a dream to do anything for Him,  and any light hitting my inner man...  all of that seemed like a distant memory, I felt more lost than found.. 

but then all of a sudden things just shifted in the last three days...

to spare the details, and honestly I don't want to spill all my guts on here...

two weeks ago God swooped in by having an extremely straight forward mentor of mine come talk with me one night and she told me that i needed to meet with a friend of hers...  

little did I realize that God had set up a divine appointment for me to pray with a lady in the boonies of washington..  (random i know)..  

so a couple days ago, i went, and i felt like God met me... 

I left this two hour prayer meeting with this random lady who I'll probably never see again..

and i felt like things were different...  something changed... 

i felt hope again, not just in my walk with God, but in just living...

it was during that prayer meeting I got a glimpse that the Father God was happy that I was alive, when He was laying out His plans to form me in my mother's womb, He was so happy...   i have honestly lived a life feeling the opposite, like God was unhappy with me, and that I was constantly failing Him, and that I just wasn't good enough...  but for the first time, I felt His pleasure.  

it was in this meeting that i was encouraged to live from my heart and not my brainy mind...  

though i may feel pain, and though i may feel sad, or mad, or glad or whatever it may be....  it's best that I feel it, and communicate it with God, talk with Him about it, invite Him in it, rather than applying logic to my emotions and pushing them to the side... 

the lady prayed abundant life over me...   yes abundant life.. 

i can't really explain everything that took place in that random experience in the woods, but all i can say is that i am grateful...  very grateful....  

yesterday i went to bible study, and as we read the scriptures about God being jealous for us, my eyes began to tear up....   i felt like the Word hit my heart for the first time in a while, tasting the goodness of God... 

He has led me through this valley of death, and though I feared evil, He still brought me through...  and now I feel like He has placed me before my enemies, to feast, and giving me a cup that overflows...

i am not going to tell you to stop reading the bible.

or stop having quiet times with Jesus..

but i do know that deep questioning of what the heck you're doing is good.

why do you do this and that?   is it because you read that in the Word of God, or because someone told you that was the formula to know Him?  

what is it to really know God?  

what does it take to get to know Him better..

rather than defaulting to the teachings you've heard, I dare you to stop and find it in scripture. 

i am far from beckoning anyone to do anything, as I am weak as you all are... i feel like i have no testimonial strength or power to say do this or that... 

but i do know that I am breathing right now, and that my heart feels alive again, and for this, Jesus I am thankful..

i don't have formulas for you anymore.

the a + b, seems to always include me, and i think this whole time He is trying to make me realize the equation is H + I + M  

still learning day by day,

court

profound ponderings.

These are a few words from a sincere, deep, friend of mine. 

 love their writing.

Read on, be blessed.  

okay,

calm down, set confusion at bay, listen.

You know what I’ve already told you, light.

You have darkness that needs to be exposed. Otherwise you’re eaten away, like having rotten spaghetti in your closet. Who could dwell with you? Loneliness is only for those who are unwilling to expose their darkness…

I understand all things, so you don’t actually have to.

Do you know my voice?

Honey, you’re a sheep, and I’m the Shepherd. So often you try to be king, and its so confusing because it’s not your job. You’re my sheep and you follow me. You don’t need to see anymore of the path than you see now. The only vision you need, is the space between us.

Can you breathe for a second? Do you know that I’m good? Why do you fear? What is it that hinders me from finishing you? Nothing.

And you think that I’m asking you to cease to exist, when I’m actually wanting to give you true existence. Crucifixion is one element, but it’s not your end.

You’ll be pure enough to reflect me.

There is an ocean in your future, but for now you need to develop a root system. You know where roots grow deepest… the desert.

and this is my desert:

No claim to fame, no titles or products, no fulfilled promises in the sight of man, no pride in image, or even an image to bear. Every insecurity exposed: unproductive, unknown, unattractive, unskillful, lazy and quiet.

But in this desert I gain something better than man’s approval.

Deep Roots.

“Forget your perfect offering

there is a crack in everything

that’s how the light gets in”

-Leonard Cohen

- an anonymous friend. 

Feel free to let me know your thoughts on this awesome content.  

the productivity of rest.

to those who are listening to God, and He has led you to a place you never thought you would be.
to those who have been invited down a road that seems so opposite of your plan.
to those He has invited to take a season of rest.

i encourage you with this.

there is such a mysterious narrow road that doesn't make sense to any but those who go down it.
there is an unnecessary pressure that people feel to be doing something worth while, though all the while they feel like God is asking them to do the opposite.

they are asked by others "so what are you doing these days?" "give me the measurables for your life" -- and in response with embarrassment felt in their heart, have nothing but a simple mundane reply.

this is the reason you are here.
the initial embarrassment, or feeling disappointed in yourself for not doing something worth while, is one of the exact reasons God has you here, to rebuke that very lie straight on.

the people who ask what you are doing these days,
and have judgement in response to your mundane response,
i would dare say that they have yet to realize that they too are seaped in a value system that is based on their own efforts of proving themselves to God and building their own kingdom, rather than truly doing something for the sake of His fame. (strong statement I know)

this may sound cryptic and broad, but those who have been invited down the path of death.
death to ambition, death to self, death to your own fame, the glorious invite to find true life.
you understand exactly what i'm talking about.  He is allured you to the wilderness, where there is nothing to cling to, it is there He will speak kindly to you, it is there that He will betroth you to Himself (Hosea 2).

you want to run away.
you want to do big things.
but also you want to do something that seems worth while to yourself,
and also for the sake of those watching.

and out of sincerity of heart, you want to do something worth while in His eyes (which is the very thing He is in the process of redefining for you).

but know this, the ONE who is watching, loves that you are sticking around.
He loves that you chose to tuck away.
He wants to meet you here.
where you're alone, and doing nothing.

this season will change your life.
a message will be formed in you that will not be influenced by another man's vision.

as you are sitting, you're actually going forward.
as you are waiting, you're actually taking ground..

if you decided to go do something you thought was worth while in this season, something familiar, something that seemed like it was having impact - i would dare to say that is where you're actually going backwards, and you're actually losing ground..

it takes courage to obey God.
and the few that are reading this, and get what i'm saying, this message is speaking loud and clear to your heart...

to you, i want to say, obey.
and if you have obeyed, and took the leap.
i would take it even further and say
"fully obey"

do not just tolerate the season, but embrace it.

if he wants you to be in solitude for a while.
if He wants you to rest. fully rest.
do not run to things in the midst of resting that will make you feel like you're atleast doing "something"...    fully rest.    ask God to guide you in the day to day.

Lord am I to do that or this right now?

do not give yourself to this season feeling like it's an equation.
with the mindset of - if i do this, THEN, i can do this..
just fully embrace the now...  not wishing it away...  or tolerating it so you can get somewhere else soon.  the moment you begin to not care about what's next, feeling content in His leading, is a good sign..

I think of
Psalms 131:

O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
² Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
³ O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever.

You will get to a point where living before His eyes alone, and listening to His voice, influences you (because you see His goodness in it), more than your own opinion, or other's opinion.

pit stops are necessary...
if you're driving around with a broken axel and low fuel, some watching may say keep going keep going...  why are you stopping??  atleast be a part of small races right now, you have so much potential, you shouldn't just be parked somewhere...  are you falling away?  you're just not as intense as you used to be...  don't you see what God is doing on the earth, you should probably be a part of it!

but if you keep going, soon you'll crash, or just burn out,
but if you listen to Him, and He says stop for a while,
lets get some gas in your tank,
get you even better tires that will take you over mountains rather than just a concrete track,
and a stronger axel that will never snap...

I would say do not listen to the people watching, listen to the one who made the car...

listen to Him because He is wise, and knows what it takes to form in you what's necessary...
though everyone else has thought you quit the race, He is actually equipping you to win.

know that the period of waiting and not finding, is actually part of His process..
His process of forming in you something that cannot be explained too well with words.
but as you journey on, you'll begin to know exactly what i'm talking about.

find Him. rather than finding what you think makes you're life awesome to Him.

Listen, obey. don't find your identity in what you think is important to Him,
I dare you to slow down, get in His Word, and ask Him to tell you what's important to Him.
Rather than your own pressures, and the pressures of others defining it for you.

sitting under the shade of His tree (the cross). (song of songs 2)
feasting at His banqueting table.
Understanding His delight in you as you "sit".
is fuel that will help you skip over the hills and leap over the mountains with Him later.

bless you friends.

amen.

thoughts for today.

i have a lot of thoughts today.

i usually have a goal to blog, but then i have so many thoughts, it seems to daunting to even try.

but when i do try, i takes me 6 hours..

today i want to blog in 15 minutes.

lets see what comes out of me in that short amount of time...

not sure if this will be anything profound, i think i may just share whatever comes to mind.

so this may all sound really sporadic.

i am listening to an old cd on spotify by Seven Day Jesus...

i used to listen to this in high school.

though i live in the place i grew up in.

i often feel like i am so detached from my memories of growing up here.

i can see places that are familiar.

but it's like i don't have any emotions connected to it...

// change of thought.

last night i was driving home with my sister and she had a song from IHOP playing.

it was a clear night so i could see the stars.

the song was saying that it was my delight to obey God.

the content of the music, IHOP music, just brought me right back to my time there.

i was reminiscing in the season of where my whole aim was to know the deep things of God...

it felt like i "missed Jesus" or something...  i literally felt like listening to the music i was all of a sudden back in time, and could feel how i felt back then...  and it's like i missed that feeling...

it's easy to then think that something is wrong...  that maybe i'm not hungering for God as much... but this thought came to my mind that though it doesn't look the same as back then, where my 24/7 job was to be in prayer or organizing programs to cater to others praying...   which it could naturally feel like i'm missing something, like i'm not going hard for God anymore...  but then this thought came "though it looks different, maybe you're a lot further along than even back then..."  

i work a lot now...

i have two jobs, and they both have nothing to do with facilitating prayer..

one has to do with fashion and making quality goods..

another has to do with consulting with oil companies..

i am in a place now where I am trying not to compare this season with past seasons.

in all contexts...  with my church, community, daily life...  it's just different..

i can't make it be what I am used to...  because then expectations are there, and they don't get met, then I get disappointed, and then i find myself sulking in self pity...  

self pity can sneak in so easily, and i think it's hard to catch right away...

but now i have a turning of a leaf, my eyes were opened to the fact that i was really giving myself to self pity, and it's like i wasn't able to see the beauty of what was going on in front of me...

though i'm used to giving my life to God in the context where everyone is running together with the same vision, where we are all spending time with God for hours together in prayer rooms...  

God has me in a place where i am learning to have a relationship with Him outside those contexts..

to be honest i find myself at a loss at points..

today i was processing out loud with a friend of mine up here.

just feeling like i don't have any sort of grip on what my relationship with Jesus is to look like..

but there is odd assurance, that i almost feel like God wants it that way...

i like conclusions, i hate processes...  so to be so unconcluded is an interesting place to be...

as i read the Word today, i was reading psalms, and just thinking about how the standard of loving God and knowing Him, and living Godly just seemed so high...   and i had something happen in my heart that i don't know if it has ever happened before in my whole Christian walk...

i was reading "You are compassionate, to those who fear you..."  etc..   always feeling like there is some tag on it the end...  not just that He is compassionate...   it kinda frustrated me...

i all of sudden was like "this is just TOO HARD.. ALL OF THIS IS JUST TOO HARD, AND I'M TIRED OF TRYING TO DO IT AND ALWAYS NEVER FEELING LIKE I CAN MEASURE UP."

it was a disheartening thing...   i then began to think if "blessed are those who mourn" passage was happening to me at that moment..  mourning over the reality of where I am at, and where I could be and realizing i fall so painfully short....

again though, in my head it concerned me because i felt like i was almost tired and just through with it all...   but then all of a sudden it dawned on me...   "hmmmm, i wonder if this is the exact place God has been trying to get me to be..."  

i then went to Colossians 2 and read..

⁹ For in Him all thefullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, ¹⁰ and in Him you have been made^[i]complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority; ¹¹ and in Him you were also circumcised with a circumcision made without hands, in the removal ofthe body of the flesh by the circumcision of Christ; ¹² having been buried with Him in baptism, in which you were also raised up with Him through faith in the working of God, who raised Him from the dead. ¹³ When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions, ¹⁴ having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross. ¹⁵ When He had disarmed the rulers and authorities, He made a public display of them, having triumphed over them through Him.

reminded also of the story of the good samaritan..   where he saw the man half dead...

the religious ones walked right past him (some think because maybe they were just being selfish, but really their Law was that if they touched a diseased person, they would then be considered unclean, and would have to go through this whole process to be clean again)...  but then a samaritan came washed his wounds and put his oil and wine on them, then picked him up and put him on his own beast, and paid for his debt...

the gospel can be pulled from this story..

what the Law could not do, only grace/work on the cross could do...

He picked us up when we were dead in our sin, washed us, cleaned up, and sat us with Him in heavenly places, paying for our debt..

i think the Lord is having me get to the point of realizing, that SERIOUSLY my own efforts will never measure up to what only He can do and has done to make me right before Him..

even working so much -- no joke, this whole last week i didn't have a quiet time...

and it may just seem like i am so steep in religion...  but it's like i just don't get it or something..

where i would apologize to Jesus as I was driving to work, because I didn't get time with Him alone in my room...    but again there was this thing in me that was saying maybe it is during this week that I feel so unlikely to get blasted by God, watch I do when I'm not even trying....

i think time with God is important...

but i think there is something still deep in me that really relies on myself more than I rely on God....

I want God, my heart longs for Him...  but the truth i've preached for years about Him being our righteousness...  God do what You need to, to make me realize that I was dead, and you are the One who made me alive, that I had nothing to do with this..

// change of thought

today i had a good day with a sweet friend named Rachel.

i was encouraged as she shared her heart on what the Lord was teaching her..

also as she just listened to me process my heart out loud about Jesus...

to have friends who just want to hear you talk about your week, and who are honest with their lives and how they are doing is a true blessing.

thanks Rach, you're a sincere, tender hearted, wise, fun friend.

// change of thought.

i am learning a lot about denim lately.

i think it's really fascinating.

// change of thought.

idaho is a culture just like ethiopia is..

i realized the hard way that you cant try to change things or compare them to what you're used to.

you have to relate to people as you would those in another nation...

if they do church a certain way, you do church like them, if they dance a certain way, you dance like them, if they eat weird meat and bread, you eat their weird meat and bread..

so in the same way, as i encounter the people/culture in idaho -- this mindset needs to be just the same...   we can easily hurt and insult people if we are not sensitive to how they do things..  they are sincere just as you are sincere --  so honoring them is far more productive than comparing....

// change of thought.

i think i'm realizing that i don't like administration as much as i used to...   i am pondering other ideas...  i love design, i love marketing...   i don't know how i am to go about pursuing this --- but the thought of doing these things makes my heart burst versus making a spreadsheet and filling it with data...     i like to bring structure, but mainly doing oversight, doing the maintaining, literally drains me...      the pastor at my church said that i can help out with graphic design and the interior design at the church...  and no joke, when he said this, i began to get choked up with tears..  i was so extremely grateful...  i have had many opportunities in my life to do many things, but this is one thing that I haven't really gotten much opportunity to do, and it's something I really like to do...  so I was so happy to hear that I could potentially explore this area.

// change of thought.

it's been sunny here in idaho the past few days and it's been so glorious..

// change of thought.

I have a lot to talk about when it comes to the subject of "fame" -- but i don't feel like typing a whole thing about it...    but i'll share that some day, some of it i'll include below, but not the full extent of it.

// change of thought.

i have to lead worship for a meeting on tuesday night, and it's weird how i burdened i feel when i have to lead for a congregation of people who may not know the songs i play...  so then i feel all this pressure to learn all these new songs...    random i know..     it usually always ends up going great, i just always feel this weird pressure...

// change of thought.

i have noticed that the more money you make the easier it is to be selfish, which seems soooooo opposite of what should happen..  i noticed me being like this the other day, and i didn't like it...  Lord protect me from letting money own me.  

// change of thought.

i often want to impact many at a time.

to plan and strategize in fancy offices, white boards, nice chairs. 

brainstorming how to make a ministry fluid and affective.

if i was given a task to set up a strategy to disciple every nation in the globe.

this would be daunting, but at the same time i feel like I would thrive in this more than I would if God told me to take the homeless lady on the side of the road out for coffee...

dreaming up programs to change the world seems easier to me than reaching out to my own grandma who is alone in a nursing home, or the gal at church who sits by herself in the back and I know she's prob been steeped in drugs and no one really wants to be her friend because she is needy.....   

All those things feel like they cost me something, almost like a part of me is dying to myself...  
how can i love the macro if i don't love the micro?  Forming programs and dreaming big makes my inner self feel accomplished because I am part of something making impact.

if i don't love the micro (the one in front of me) -- then really the macro is solely desired for one reason:

|| my own fame ||

my own kingdom is in mind when i think of impacting the multitudes.
but loving the one in front of you is in secret...   


i want to know that it was me that helped spear head the movement...

It's about Jesus' fame, not mine...  not that all dreams of making impact are bad, but there is an ugly head of pride that is being crucified in me this past month... lots of my ambition that needs to die, but i have realized that it's God who needs to kill it..  i can just offer it to Him...


If we think Christianity is about preaching on stage, and or leading thousands in worship, or being a part of a ministry that is leading millions to the Lord every month -- but then i leave the building and don't want to talk to the needy person in the back-row -- i really feel like their is a major disconnect going on there...    

// change of thought.

to all those who read this, I encourage you -- take the time to stop and ask the people you run into how they are really doing, when they think they shared it all, stay quiet for a little longer, and let them share a bit more that they didn't even know was inside of them,  then listen to Jesus and His thoughts for them, then share those thoughts that God has for them.  also take time to pray for them.  it will bless them.

that was longer than 15 minutes...

my apologies if there were tons of grammer / spelling errors, i didn't read over this before i posted, just typed my thoughts.

bless you friends, 

God is leading you so perfectly, embrace the season in front of you rather than just tolerate it..

-court

pondering a year.

2 0 1 2

changed my life. 

i would have never expected this year would contain what it did.

it's interesting looking back a year ago.

i was home in idaho for Christmas break, as usual.

vamping up to go back home to colorado springs.

the place i thought i'd probably be forever.

the place where I was giving myself to a certain dream that I would die for.

the vision that we would partner with Jesus to be adored in every tribe tongue and nation.

i burned with it, and thought i'd be forerunning this movement unto He split the sky to return to His singing Bride. 

however, a few months into 2012, 

things drastically changed.  

and I was needing to make some big decisions.

I felt such a clear invite from Jesus to take some faith fill steps.

to go the opposite direction of the dream.  

I listened to Him, trusting that He would cause everything to work out.  

I didn't realize that His timing of "working things out" were so painfully slow.  

They looked nothing like I thought they would.

I trusted Him though, knowing He knew best. 

my whole Christian walk 

I have always felt like I would do something that seemed big in my own eyes.

whatever that may be,

preaching to the multitudes, 

leading worship in stadiums and a people encountering His presence like never before...   

leading an army with courage in the end of the age..  

to be the point of the arrow in the end time worship movement..   

I feel like God has taken this year to shake my paradigm of what is "big" to Him. 

now i sit here.  back in idaho.  

it being my official home now 

which that in itself, I would have NEVER imagined would ever happen in a million years.   

i wake up every day - with not much of an agenda.

i no longer have any programs to develop, 

people to lead in worship,

departments to manage, 

or movement to give myself to.

i get ready, 

make my aero press coffee, 

sit on the side of my bed, with the space heater on my feet.

coffee in hand with a soft blanket.

i look out the window, 

read the bible slowly, 

and posture myself to understand Christianity through the Word.  

i close my eyes and aim my heart towards Jesus...  

then pick up and head to work, or to a meeting.

my job is no longer to strategize how to train a people to be sent to the nations,

or to facilitate an end times worship movement..   

but i am now strategizing on things like how to make a promo video for a high end men's line called Thrux Lawrence that designs and sells a backpack, pant and belt..   

i send emails to designers, and I order stamps that cater to expressing sizes on hangtags that label denim attire.  I give input on what leather matches what canvas, and what type of buttons should close up the fly of a hickory striped pant.  yep this is what i do.  

wow, Jesus, in 2012, You drastically shifted things. 

there was a lot that happened between last year and this very moment.  

as many of you know if you've read my earlier posts - so i'll spare you any lengthy repetition...

a little Recap. 

Picked up and moved away from Colorado. good bye my dear comrades. 

flew to San Diego, stayed 5 weeks with some of my best friends - Ricky & Tiffy.

Lots of eating, watching shows online, and good talks about Jesus, surrendering dreams.

booked a ticket to Idaho to visit my family.

thinking i'd be here for one month - but as time went on He kept telling me to stay.

this summer was much needed time of solitude.  

listening to Jesus.  

reading His Word with fresh eyes. 

and learning to surrender my ideas of ministry to Him. 

spending time with my family.

My identity being tested.

Surrendering ministry to God - He wanted me to learn who I was apart from working for a ministry.

Giving myself time to breathe and realize what I really enjoy doing -- which I discovered, i LOVE business, and design.  

This time of quieting my heart was so refreshing, yet stretching.

As time went on. I decided that I'd stay through the whole summer, then after that, move back to Colorado. He sure had a different idea. 

Summer was closing and I met a couple - Mark and Sidney Launder 

who were missionaries from Africa.  I thought I was moving to CO,

but I soon found myself purchasing a ticket to 

Ethiopia.

I spent five weeks across the world, living in the midst of poverty and dirt.

this was one of the most stretching, eye opening experiences for me.

learning how much i deal with control.

how much I really love people.

and what is important to God. 

I am so glad I went on this trip. 

I then flew back to Idaho

I still didn't feel the release to move away from this place.

so I set it in my heart that I would only stay until January.

it was an abrupt culture shock coming back from Africa to Idaho.

It felt like the rubber was hitting the road.

my season of solitude was over, and now what am I to do?

how do you live normal life and keep Jesus as your vision?

how do you not let money become a focus when your purpose for a job is to get a paycheck?

can i trust myself with wealth?

why am i still here in Idaho?  is this a punishment? 

I had many moments of wanting to run away when i first got back.

Even to this day I have had moments of wanting to flee...  

but weeks into getting back from Ethiopia, God quickly opened doors.

I believe He did this because He knew I was really lacking vision and needing something to keep me here.  He opened up a job for me - doing admin work for Thrux Lawrence, and thrusted me into a community of people at a local church, and gave me the opportunity to serve on a worship team. 

the whole summer I was here before I went to Africa, 

I didn't put any effort towards getting to know anyone.

building friendships were probably the last thing on my mind.  

however, now that i knew I was going to be here for a bit
-- i began to step outside myself to meet people.
I've been blessed with those I've gotten to know so far.  

Meet Rach and Jess - i've enjoyed getting to know these lovely women.  

As i wrestle with being in Idaho wondering what in the world God has for me here.  

It's cool to see that there are people up in the Northwest, who feel that God has called them here,

 they desire Jesus and live out Christianity practically.  

Rachel the dear friend to the left, is the worship leader at the church I am going to.

She is a strong young woman, extremely meek and HUMBLE, 

super teachable, anointed, very honest and raw, and probably one of the funniest ppl I have met.  

She's the type of person you wouldn't mind just having around all the time -- VERY enjoyable personality - feels like she could be my sister. 

I am confident that one of the main reasons God has me here is because He wanted me to know this sweet friend and support her as she holds the weight of being a worship leader for a big church. 

it's been soooooo fun serving along side her on her worship team.  

Jess, the lovely friend on the right is a God send.  

she has been consistent in being a friend to me.  

she understands the grace of God & the gospel probably more than most people I know.  

She's extremely passionate, and boldly stands for Truth, no matter the opinion of man 

- she hands downs has the qualities of a "faithful witness"

She has spurred me on to dig deep in the word to understand the Gospel. 

I can honestly say that crossing paths with her, God has used it to alter my life.  

Lord thank You for Jess.

as i am in the vein of talking about friends.

If you've followed my blog you'd probably realize by now this has been one of the most intense shaking years of my life, and there are a few friends who have been like a champion to me in this time of leaping into God's unknown plan for my life.  

ang, beth, mary & tiffy

i love you. 

your support has held up my arms so many times these past several months.

moments of confusion, passionate opinions, swirly wonders, & jaded outbursts...  

you were there to listen, to encourage, and to even tell me things I didn't want to hear.  

i'm blessed by your friendship.

I can say so much about each of you.  

you've challenged me to listen to God, and Him alone.

To search out Truth, and to press on when things got hard.

i'm forever GRATEFUL for you women.  my heart is warm as I think of you.

current status.

so as i reflect on this past year, 

it has had so many different seasons.

highs and lows, stretching and relaxing.

SO much surrendering.

Challenging my identity to the max.

Dealing with being jaded.

Learning to surrender but being willing to dream again...  

Learning to let God enjoy me.

Learning how God really designed me, being okay with having fun doing things other than just "ministry work" -- it's fun to buy and sell, to do interior design, to figure what leathers look good with what canvas for a backpacks etc...

Learning that who I am, is not what I do.

That my big ministry type extraordinary impact is not what God thinks is extraordinary.

Learning what the gospel truly means, and who I am truly am in Christ. 

Daring to ask questions about the bible, about my walk, about Christianity that I never have before.  

Learning to be  Christian in the normal mundane routine of life. 

I've had many moments of looking back and being mad at why things shifted in Colorado.

I've cried many tears of sadness, of anger, of confusion - feeling like God tricked me and that He was not letting me be a part of something I gave my blood sweat and tears for... 

Why did God shut the doors for the vision to happen in Colorado? 

But now, as I look back...  

I can say with an honest heart that I am actually thankful He shut those doors.

through what seemed so dramatic at the time, He thrusted me into a year that truly changed my life. 

I was going down a path of listening to everyone else's opinions about what God was doing on the earth, and what He had in store for me.   

rather than slowing down and listening to Him for myself,

and searching out the Bible for what He is describes and perscribes.

SIDE NOTE: 

This is one main thing I would encourage everyone to do.

To slow down and ask, 

"My ideas of Christianity, what God is doing on the earth, and who I am to Him, 

have I found these in the Word, do I know these things, and give myself to these things because they came from a place of listening to God, 

or is it all based on other people's teachings and convictions?"  

It's good to search it out yourself - I beckon you. 

Slow down, and search it out yourself. 

BACK TO PROCESSING.

I was busy strategizing on how to change the world, 

but all the while I wasn't paying attention to the people in the world.  

Though there were many things that were so positive, 

it took God to shut things down in front of me, to make me see the other side of things.   

the challenge for me is that what got shut down in CO, is now happening in KC.

It's easy for me to let it go if I try to come up with a reason why it could be unbiblical, or lopsided - and all those thoughts come mainly from being jaded.

But the fact is -- God has all sorts of streams...   

My friend Jess actually reminded me of this, and it was helpful. 

we are a body..  

there are those who are arms,

those who are legs, 

those who are fingers and toes...   

At this point, I am not functioning as a knee cap...  

I always thought I was a knee cap...  

So to be mad that I am not a knee cap, and to legitimize those feelings, 

and to help me let go of the idea of being a knee cap, 

I pretend that the knee cap isn't necessary...   

it's ridiculous...   

but if I accept that the knee cap IS necessary, 

it surfaces those emotions of wishing I was the knee cap, 

because I thought I was a knee cap...

and I wrestle with the idea that maybe I am not a knee cap, 

or maybe I'm not one right now?

But can God morph someone into a knee cap later? 

all that is a mystery to me, so that's one other thing I throw into His hands 

and say, I'll keep stepping forward and trusting You.

Right now i'll function like the elbow, hidden away behind this long sleeve shirt. 

letting go of something is easier when you have something else to grasp a hold of...   

but i have been in a time of letting go of something, and still figuring what I am to embrace. 

Life outside of a community of people all going the same direction is quite an interesting ride, 

and I am still trying to incline my ear to hear Him in it all..   

I know Jesus is my reason.  

But what does that really mean?

What does that make my life look like?

All I know is what I have heard others say.

And what I have read so far hasn't been concluded completely in my own understanding.

So each day I just do what I do... 

I spend time with Him, I read His Word, and I listen...

I have felt His kindness and patience over my life as I have journeyed on.

He prunes those who bear fruit.  

He is kindly coaching me and teaching me.

Through this year, I have realized more than ever how 

I have wanted to be a part of something worth while.  

Something big, something that would impact the globe.  

Yet, he has taken these past couple seasons and used them as a vehicle to show me what is important. 

I can sum it up in this quote i read from this book: 

"People who really want to make a difference in the world usually do it, in one way or another. And I've noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters! They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren't determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they're satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world." Katie Davis - Kisses From Katie

I want to to love and notice the people in front of me.

God help me to do this.  

Last december I would have had no grid for what God was going to invite me in to.

What He was going to surface in me, and the things He was going to teach me.

As I am here in Idaho.

I've had many moments of wanting to flee to the land of familiar.

You'd think that the land of familiar would be my hometown.

but it's not.

God has me tho.

and i want Him more than I want familiar.

I am wanting to not just choose this life.

I want to live this life. 

I want to learn to dream again, while I am here.

I have let my roots go down.

But I need to let them go down deeper.

To embrace the time I have here - however long that may be.

Not just tolerate it.  

I love Jesus, and I love His Word. 

I have more questions than answers right now.

I am so dreadfully systematic that I want to understand it all.

But I take each step, one by one.   

God teach me Your ways.

You are my Shepherd.

I shall not want.

You make me lay down in green pastures.

You lead me besides quiet waters.

You restore my soul. 

Jesus, You're leadership is so perfect over my life.

Thank you for this year. 

You're aggressive passion for my heart has smitten me.

I will never be the same. 

You're forming in me what I could never learn in a book or sermon.

Your ways are marvelous.  Though I cannot see two feet in front of me.

I trust You're surrounding me.  

As you have so kindly guided me in 2012. 

2013 is Yours as well, have Your way.

friends, I leave you with this.

Slow down, listen to God, search out the Scriptures.

and do as He says.

Amen.  

-court