i have a lot of thoughts today.
i usually have a goal to blog, but then i have so many thoughts, it seems to daunting to even try.
but when i do try, i takes me 6 hours..
today i want to blog in 15 minutes.
lets see what comes out of me in that short amount of time...
not sure if this will be anything profound, i think i may just share whatever comes to mind.
so this may all sound really sporadic.
i am listening to an old cd on spotify by Seven Day Jesus...
i used to listen to this in high school.
though i live in the place i grew up in.
i often feel like i am so detached from my memories of growing up here.
i can see places that are familiar.
but it's like i don't have any emotions connected to it...
// change of thought.
last night i was driving home with my sister and she had a song from IHOP playing.
it was a clear night so i could see the stars.
the song was saying that it was my delight to obey God.
the content of the music, IHOP music, just brought me right back to my time there.
i was reminiscing in the season of where my whole aim was to know the deep things of God...
it felt like i "missed Jesus" or something... i literally felt like listening to the music i was all of a sudden back in time, and could feel how i felt back then... and it's like i missed that feeling...
it's easy to then think that something is wrong... that maybe i'm not hungering for God as much... but this thought came to my mind that though it doesn't look the same as back then, where my 24/7 job was to be in prayer or organizing programs to cater to others praying... which it could naturally feel like i'm missing something, like i'm not going hard for God anymore... but then this thought came "though it looks different, maybe you're a lot further along than even back then..."
i work a lot now...
i have two jobs, and they both have nothing to do with facilitating prayer..
one has to do with fashion and making quality goods..
another has to do with consulting with oil companies..
i am in a place now where I am trying not to compare this season with past seasons.
in all contexts... with my church, community, daily life... it's just different..
i can't make it be what I am used to... because then expectations are there, and they don't get met, then I get disappointed, and then i find myself sulking in self pity...
self pity can sneak in so easily, and i think it's hard to catch right away...
but now i have a turning of a leaf, my eyes were opened to the fact that i was really giving myself to self pity, and it's like i wasn't able to see the beauty of what was going on in front of me...
though i'm used to giving my life to God in the context where everyone is running together with the same vision, where we are all spending time with God for hours together in prayer rooms...
God has me in a place where i am learning to have a relationship with Him outside those contexts..
to be honest i find myself at a loss at points..
today i was processing out loud with a friend of mine up here.
just feeling like i don't have any sort of grip on what my relationship with Jesus is to look like..
but there is odd assurance, that i almost feel like God wants it that way...
i like conclusions, i hate processes... so to be so unconcluded is an interesting place to be...
as i read the Word today, i was reading psalms, and just thinking about how the standard of loving God and knowing Him, and living Godly just seemed so high... and i had something happen in my heart that i don't know if it has ever happened before in my whole Christian walk...
i was reading "You are compassionate, to those who fear you..." etc.. always feeling like there is some tag on it the end... not just that He is compassionate... it kinda frustrated me...
i all of sudden was like "this is just TOO HARD.. ALL OF THIS IS JUST TOO HARD, AND I'M TIRED OF TRYING TO DO IT AND ALWAYS NEVER FEELING LIKE I CAN MEASURE UP."
it was a disheartening thing... i then began to think if "blessed are those who mourn" passage was happening to me at that moment.. mourning over the reality of where I am at, and where I could be and realizing i fall so painfully short....
again though, in my head it concerned me because i felt like i was almost tired and just through with it all... but then all of a sudden it dawned on me... "hmmmm, i wonder if this is the exact place God has been trying to get me to be..."
i then went to Colossians 2 and read..
9 For in Him all thefullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, 10 and in Him you have been made[i]complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority; 11 and in Him you were also circumcised with a circumcision made without hands, in the removal ofthe body of the flesh by the circumcision of Christ; 12 having been buried with Him in baptism, in which you were also raised up with Him through faith in the working of God, who raised Him from the dead. 13 When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions, 14 having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross. 15 When He had disarmed the rulers and authorities, He made a public display of them, having triumphed over them through Him.
reminded also of the story of the good samaritan.. where he saw the man half dead...
the religious ones walked right past him (some think because maybe they were just being selfish, but really their Law was that if they touched a diseased person, they would then be considered unclean, and would have to go through this whole process to be clean again)... but then a samaritan came washed his wounds and put his oil and wine on them, then picked him up and put him on his own beast, and paid for his debt...
the gospel can be pulled from this story..
what the Law could not do, only grace/work on the cross could do...
He picked us up when we were dead in our sin, washed us, cleaned up, and sat us with Him in heavenly places, paying for our debt..
i think the Lord is having me get to the point of realizing, that SERIOUSLY my own efforts will never measure up to what only He can do and has done to make me right before Him..
even working so much -- no joke, this whole last week i didn't have a quiet time...
and it may just seem like i am so steep in religion... but it's like i just don't get it or something..
where i would apologize to Jesus as I was driving to work, because I didn't get time with Him alone in my room... but again there was this thing in me that was saying maybe it is during this week that I feel so unlikely to get blasted by God, watch I do when I'm not even trying....
i think time with God is important...
but i think there is something still deep in me that really relies on myself more than I rely on God....
I want God, my heart longs for Him... but the truth i've preached for years about Him being our righteousness... God do what You need to, to make me realize that I was dead, and you are the One who made me alive, that I had nothing to do with this..
// change of thought
today i had a good day with a sweet friend named Rachel.
i was encouraged as she shared her heart on what the Lord was teaching her..
also as she just listened to me process my heart out loud about Jesus...
to have friends who just want to hear you talk about your week, and who are honest with their lives and how they are doing is a true blessing.
thanks Rach, you're a sincere, tender hearted, wise, fun friend.
// change of thought.
i am learning a lot about denim lately.
i think it's really fascinating.
// change of thought.
idaho is a culture just like ethiopia is..
i realized the hard way that you cant try to change things or compare them to what you're used to.
you have to relate to people as you would those in another nation...
if they do church a certain way, you do church like them, if they dance a certain way, you dance like them, if they eat weird meat and bread, you eat their weird meat and bread..
so in the same way, as i encounter the people/culture in idaho -- this mindset needs to be just the same... we can easily hurt and insult people if we are not sensitive to how they do things.. they are sincere just as you are sincere -- so honoring them is far more productive than comparing....
// change of thought.
i think i'm realizing that i don't like administration as much as i used to... i am pondering other ideas... i love design, i love marketing... i don't know how i am to go about pursuing this --- but the thought of doing these things makes my heart burst versus making a spreadsheet and filling it with data... i like to bring structure, but mainly doing oversight, doing the maintaining, literally drains me... the pastor at my church said that i can help out with graphic design and the interior design at the church... and no joke, when he said this, i began to get choked up with tears.. i was so extremely grateful... i have had many opportunities in my life to do many things, but this is one thing that I haven't really gotten much opportunity to do, and it's something I really like to do... so I was so happy to hear that I could potentially explore this area.
// change of thought.
it's been sunny here in idaho the past few days and it's been so glorious..
// change of thought.
I have a lot to talk about when it comes to the subject of "fame" -- but i don't feel like typing a whole thing about it... but i'll share that some day, some of it i'll include below, but not the full extent of it.
// change of thought.
i have to lead worship for a meeting on tuesday night, and it's weird how i burdened i feel when i have to lead for a congregation of people who may not know the songs i play... so then i feel all this pressure to learn all these new songs... random i know.. it usually always ends up going great, i just always feel this weird pressure...
// change of thought.
i have noticed that the more money you make the easier it is to be selfish, which seems soooooo opposite of what should happen.. i noticed me being like this the other day, and i didn't like it... Lord protect me from letting money own me.
// change of thought.
i often want to impact many at a time.
to plan and strategize in fancy offices, white boards, nice chairs.
brainstorming how to make a ministry fluid and affective.
if i was given a task to set up a strategy to disciple every nation in the globe.
this would be daunting, but at the same time i feel like I would thrive in this more than I would if God told me to take the homeless lady on the side of the road out for coffee...
dreaming up programs to change the world seems easier to me than reaching out to my own grandma who is alone in a nursing home, or the gal at church who sits by herself in the back and I know she's prob been steeped in drugs and no one really wants to be her friend because she is needy.....
how can i love the macro if i don't love the micro? Forming programs and dreaming big makes my inner self feel accomplished because I am part of something making impact.
if i don't love the micro (the one in front of me) -- then really the macro is solely desired for one reason:
my own kingdom is in mind when i think of impacting the multitudes.
but loving the one in front of you is in secret...
i want to know that it was me that helped spear head the movement...
It's about Jesus' fame, not mine... not that all dreams of making impact are bad, but there is an ugly head of pride that is being crucified in me this past month... lots of my ambition that needs to die, but i have realized that it's God who needs to kill it.. i can just offer it to Him...
If we think Christianity is about preaching on stage, and or leading thousands in worship, or being a part of a ministry that is leading millions to the Lord every month -- but then i leave the building and don't want to talk to the needy person in the back-row -- i really feel like their is a major disconnect going on there...
// change of thought.
to all those who read this, I encourage you -- take the time to stop and ask the people you run into how they are really doing, when they think they shared it all, stay quiet for a little longer, and let them share a bit more that they didn't even know was inside of them, then listen to Jesus and His thoughts for them, then share those thoughts that God has for them. also take time to pray for them. it will bless them.
that was longer than 15 minutes...
my apologies if there were tons of grammer / spelling errors, i didn't read over this before i posted, just typed my thoughts.
bless you friends,
God is leading you so perfectly, embrace the season in front of you rather than just tolerate it..
-court
