it's been quite some time since i've blogged last.
much has taken place since i have come back from africa.
i won't go into all of it, but here are thoughts if i scan over the past 2 months.
VISION
i am thankful for God's clear leadership in my life.
though at times i felt i was losing vision (this was an intense reality for me to face as I realized that i depended much on my environment and community to keep the vision for me, rather than knowing it myself, or stirring myself up in it on a daily basis)..
as i realized this, i began to take on the responsibility that it is now I who has to cast the vision so i can keep the vision - which i don't know if that was the best way to posture my heart, because i put much weight on me, rather than looking to Jesus to help me...
HE IS PATIENT
as time went on though -- i would have moments where i was so frustrated with myself..
after watching a few hours of TV, going to bed and waking up the next morning - i would be so disappointing that i wasted so much of my time watching television...
i remember saying "Lord, I really do want to be Your friend..." and i quickly heard Him say back to me "you ARE my friend..."
a few moments like this occurred, noticing that i was clearly being impatient with myself and God was oh so patient... the analogy i use to explain goes like this:
it's like i am used to sprinting, really fast around a systematic track.
but now i am in the mountains, wearing those snow shoes that look like tennis rackets..
i feel like i should be sprinting, but I am just walking... it's easy to expect more of myself, but i felt the Lord so kindly reminding me that He is patient with me, and understands that I am in a new environment and learning the swing of things..
time goes on...
WORK & CHURCH
being in idaho was interesting and uncomfortable to me.
i was lost, and wondering what in the world i was doing here.
i know God at least wanted me to stay until January...
so i trucked along, and there were moments of it being quite lonely...
all my community is in other states, and here I am, no friends, no church community, and no job...
but as time went on.
God opened up a part time job for me..
administrating for an high end fashion company - who designs essential menswear.
so that was an extreme blessing to have that open up...
I then had some friends from KC who were up here and they were leading worship at a church in this area...
they asked me to sing with them...
little did i realize God was about to plug me in somewhere.
i think the Lord knew the job that I had was probably not enough to keep me here...
so i went to sing at this church, and in the span of an hour it seemed like things fell right in my lap.
i know i desired to get involved with a church that had small groups - but really this church wasn't on my radar.. don't get me wrong, it was a cool church - but my attention was scoping out other churches.
but in a matter of moments, i was invited to come to worship team practices, and to a small group.
HE PRUNES THE BRANCHES
being invited to help with the worship team was sort of a challenge for me.
being that i had been in a season of rest, i instantly was excited, but then stopped and wondered if
God would want me to do it.. i had this fear that once again I was going to find identity in what I was doing ... from this mindset it was revealed to me by the Holy Spirit that I have taken these past 8 months as a season of punishment... . i found identity in what I did, so He was stripping me of all ministry to teach me a lesson... but it then it was clear to me that He prunes those who bear fruit, in order for them to bear more fruit.. it wasn't punishment, it was actually Him saying "well done."
As i have gotten the chance to play and sing on the worship team, it's been sooooooo much fun...
i absolutely love serving in that capacity.
COMMUNITY
within a week, i met with a few gals who were extremely hospitable and friendly, and it seemed like God plugged me in instantly... it's actually quite crazy how the doors just flung open in that way... it seemed daunting for me to get plugged in somewhere, and i have heard stories of people having a hard time getting plugged into a tight community at a church... so i think in His kindness, He just made it a bit easier for me, knowing that this season was already pretty intense for me...
on that note, in the past month and a half i have been developing some good friendships.
I am EXTREMELY thankful for the people He has crossed my path with, I feel so blessed to run with them.
time goes on..
THE TOPIC OF GRACE?
as i began to make friends with a few of the gals here at the church.
i quickly realized their theology is COMPLETELY different than mine...
like COMPLETELY..
at first this would make me wanna run, but I almost felt like God set me up for this exact thing..
through hearing their hearts, and their views - I could say that we were like black and white...
we all of love Jesus, but things were being exposed in me that seemed to not fully line up with the gospel.
through the kindness of them listening as I spoke out my fears...
I realized much of my relationship with Jesus has been based on myself.
based on my ability to hold on to Him, to be intimate with Him, to be holy etc..
through these convos, and convos with a good friend in KC... i began to dare to position my heart to have the Lord speak to me about grace.. usually I run from this topic, because I do not want to sin, and I want to be pleasing to Him, so to hear people talking about grace grace grace -- usually makes red flags flash in my mind.... thinking people use grace TO sin....
let me first claim, that I still have no clue what I am talking about in this arena.
i am not claiming one thing or the other -- I am mainly just saying that I am asking the Lord about all this, and reading through Paul's letters to discover for myself, rather than be afraid of the topic....
through the years I have done my best to know God..
I have guarded myself to be pure in all ways possible, striving to be godly...
all the while, if i was dead honest -- i have actually felt quite miserable on the inside.
though it seems that i have joy on the outside.
most times i felt like, and feel like i am disappointing God.
if i don't have a quiet time in the morning, i am absolutely miserable the rest of the day.
i finally had this thought --- maybe something is wrong??? maybe i have something way off?
I have so much fear that I will face God and realize there were depths to know Him, and that I didn't go to those depths.... I can see where I can be lazy in my life, and that laziness that hinders my ability to know Him is my worst enemy... also, through all this, i also realized that i had, and still have this huge fear of sinning. rather than saying yes to who I really am in Him, I tend to try to say no to what's really not me...
but then i see people who love God, live holy, and are full of peace and joy....
what am i missing here?
have i been striving for something that is already mine?
I have taught on this message many times... trying so hard to get what Jesus has already given you...
but i think I am seriously stepping back and noticing that I don't believe the truths of what He has done, and offers us....
so anyway -- i still don't have things figured out, but hearing these friends and realizing how my heart has felt so burdened and heavy for the years - i finally have courage to face this topic and be open to learning what the Lord says about it in His word.
other thoughts...
WAITING
as of recently (today)... i feel like i am in such a place of lingering and waiting.. like more than ever, i got so impatient with my current season...
today i so desperately wanted to pack up and move to place where I know would be easier (having a good consistent job, and a good consistent community). but i knew if i picked up and moved, it would be at out of sheer reaction and not action... it's very uncomfortable being in a place where things are still forming and becoming normal and consistent... in the area of church, work and community.... all of these take time, and i can be choleric, and time is a roadblock to me.... it's like I wanna fly, but there isn't much wind to pick me up....i don't know when the winds are coming, and that's hard accept... i see winds in the other places (making it tempting for me to just flee to those locations).... but as of now i have to EMBRACE (not tolerate) the seasons of waiting, knowing that as I wait, my wings are being strengthened so when the winds come, I'll soar...
that is all for now.
goodbye,
court
much has taken place since i have come back from africa.
i won't go into all of it, but here are thoughts if i scan over the past 2 months.
VISION
i am thankful for God's clear leadership in my life.
though at times i felt i was losing vision (this was an intense reality for me to face as I realized that i depended much on my environment and community to keep the vision for me, rather than knowing it myself, or stirring myself up in it on a daily basis)..
as i realized this, i began to take on the responsibility that it is now I who has to cast the vision so i can keep the vision - which i don't know if that was the best way to posture my heart, because i put much weight on me, rather than looking to Jesus to help me...
HE IS PATIENT
as time went on though -- i would have moments where i was so frustrated with myself..
after watching a few hours of TV, going to bed and waking up the next morning - i would be so disappointing that i wasted so much of my time watching television...
i remember saying "Lord, I really do want to be Your friend..." and i quickly heard Him say back to me "you ARE my friend..."
a few moments like this occurred, noticing that i was clearly being impatient with myself and God was oh so patient... the analogy i use to explain goes like this:
it's like i am used to sprinting, really fast around a systematic track.
but now i am in the mountains, wearing those snow shoes that look like tennis rackets..
i feel like i should be sprinting, but I am just walking... it's easy to expect more of myself, but i felt the Lord so kindly reminding me that He is patient with me, and understands that I am in a new environment and learning the swing of things..
time goes on...
WORK & CHURCH
being in idaho was interesting and uncomfortable to me.
i was lost, and wondering what in the world i was doing here.
i know God at least wanted me to stay until January...
so i trucked along, and there were moments of it being quite lonely...
all my community is in other states, and here I am, no friends, no church community, and no job...
but as time went on.
God opened up a part time job for me..
administrating for an high end fashion company - who designs essential menswear.
so that was an extreme blessing to have that open up...
I then had some friends from KC who were up here and they were leading worship at a church in this area...
they asked me to sing with them...
little did i realize God was about to plug me in somewhere.
i think the Lord knew the job that I had was probably not enough to keep me here...
so i went to sing at this church, and in the span of an hour it seemed like things fell right in my lap.
i know i desired to get involved with a church that had small groups - but really this church wasn't on my radar.. don't get me wrong, it was a cool church - but my attention was scoping out other churches.
but in a matter of moments, i was invited to come to worship team practices, and to a small group.
HE PRUNES THE BRANCHES
being invited to help with the worship team was sort of a challenge for me.
being that i had been in a season of rest, i instantly was excited, but then stopped and wondered if
God would want me to do it.. i had this fear that once again I was going to find identity in what I was doing ... from this mindset it was revealed to me by the Holy Spirit that I have taken these past 8 months as a season of punishment... . i found identity in what I did, so He was stripping me of all ministry to teach me a lesson... but it then it was clear to me that He prunes those who bear fruit, in order for them to bear more fruit.. it wasn't punishment, it was actually Him saying "well done."
As i have gotten the chance to play and sing on the worship team, it's been sooooooo much fun...
i absolutely love serving in that capacity.
COMMUNITY
within a week, i met with a few gals who were extremely hospitable and friendly, and it seemed like God plugged me in instantly... it's actually quite crazy how the doors just flung open in that way... it seemed daunting for me to get plugged in somewhere, and i have heard stories of people having a hard time getting plugged into a tight community at a church... so i think in His kindness, He just made it a bit easier for me, knowing that this season was already pretty intense for me...
on that note, in the past month and a half i have been developing some good friendships.
I am EXTREMELY thankful for the people He has crossed my path with, I feel so blessed to run with them.
time goes on..
THE TOPIC OF GRACE?
as i began to make friends with a few of the gals here at the church.
i quickly realized their theology is COMPLETELY different than mine...
like COMPLETELY..
at first this would make me wanna run, but I almost felt like God set me up for this exact thing..
through hearing their hearts, and their views - I could say that we were like black and white...
we all of love Jesus, but things were being exposed in me that seemed to not fully line up with the gospel.
through the kindness of them listening as I spoke out my fears...
I realized much of my relationship with Jesus has been based on myself.
based on my ability to hold on to Him, to be intimate with Him, to be holy etc..
through these convos, and convos with a good friend in KC... i began to dare to position my heart to have the Lord speak to me about grace.. usually I run from this topic, because I do not want to sin, and I want to be pleasing to Him, so to hear people talking about grace grace grace -- usually makes red flags flash in my mind.... thinking people use grace TO sin....
let me first claim, that I still have no clue what I am talking about in this arena.
i am not claiming one thing or the other -- I am mainly just saying that I am asking the Lord about all this, and reading through Paul's letters to discover for myself, rather than be afraid of the topic....
through the years I have done my best to know God..
I have guarded myself to be pure in all ways possible, striving to be godly...
all the while, if i was dead honest -- i have actually felt quite miserable on the inside.
though it seems that i have joy on the outside.
most times i felt like, and feel like i am disappointing God.
if i don't have a quiet time in the morning, i am absolutely miserable the rest of the day.
i finally had this thought --- maybe something is wrong??? maybe i have something way off?
I have so much fear that I will face God and realize there were depths to know Him, and that I didn't go to those depths.... I can see where I can be lazy in my life, and that laziness that hinders my ability to know Him is my worst enemy... also, through all this, i also realized that i had, and still have this huge fear of sinning. rather than saying yes to who I really am in Him, I tend to try to say no to what's really not me...
but then i see people who love God, live holy, and are full of peace and joy....
what am i missing here?
have i been striving for something that is already mine?
I have taught on this message many times... trying so hard to get what Jesus has already given you...
but i think I am seriously stepping back and noticing that I don't believe the truths of what He has done, and offers us....
so anyway -- i still don't have things figured out, but hearing these friends and realizing how my heart has felt so burdened and heavy for the years - i finally have courage to face this topic and be open to learning what the Lord says about it in His word.
other thoughts...
WAITING
as of recently (today)... i feel like i am in such a place of lingering and waiting.. like more than ever, i got so impatient with my current season...
today i so desperately wanted to pack up and move to place where I know would be easier (having a good consistent job, and a good consistent community). but i knew if i picked up and moved, it would be at out of sheer reaction and not action... it's very uncomfortable being in a place where things are still forming and becoming normal and consistent... in the area of church, work and community.... all of these take time, and i can be choleric, and time is a roadblock to me.... it's like I wanna fly, but there isn't much wind to pick me up....i don't know when the winds are coming, and that's hard accept... i see winds in the other places (making it tempting for me to just flee to those locations).... but as of now i have to EMBRACE (not tolerate) the seasons of waiting, knowing that as I wait, my wings are being strengthened so when the winds come, I'll soar...
that is all for now.
goodbye,
court
No comments:
Post a Comment