living as a NOMAD - learning to lose control

well.

i bought a one way ticket to go visit home (idaho) for a little while.
it's been almost ten years since I have been at home for a long period of time.
i left when I was 19.

get ready - i am about to be extremely vulnerable (this blogging thing is a big deal for me, bec really i haven't blogged in years...  mainly due to the fact that i use to be so scared to be seen as something i wasn't, or i was bondage driven conscious of being so honest in my speech, that I wouldn't want to write things that may have not been fully true... so in that case, I would just be silent instead).

so know that if you read my little posts..  i honestly find this quite risky and a big deal, so thanks for taking the time to read.

i honestly feel so lost right now.
which is exposing so many things in me.
so many crutches i have leaned on.
so many things that have weakly anchored my value system of self.

i have to admit.
God has given me more talents than I know what to do with.
and i feel like most of them are being wasted right now.

what in the world am i suppose to be doing God?

.....  selah.

that word doing.  seems like a cuss word to the modern lovers of Jesus today -- bec we need to learn not to "earn" anything from doing...  but to receive His love freely.
but at the same time, it haunts my choleric mind.
it's familiar to my lingo to say "it's not about doing."
i've taught on it, and i've sung the message over many hearts..  
but really when the rubber hits the road. i am realizing more and more.
my identity is sooooo rooted in what I do.

why can't God just be enough for me?
when i think of living in Idaho, or in San Diego, or Colorado or wherever..
why can't God just be enough?  where i don't have to be involved in something major...  but living a quiet life, loving Him, loving others, and being obedient to the Holy Spirit as He conforms me to the image of Christ.   i want to get to this point.  and i think that is where God is taking me...   but I think the journey there confounds the heck out of my mind.

why do i feel like i always have to be in charge?
why do i feel like i should be the one in on the meetings where we are strategizing how to change the world?

i have been in those meetings...  many of them.
especially this past year and a half.

then i find myself in the back yard of a house in san diego.
laying in the grass, looking at the sky saying to myself "I was suppose to be starting houses of prayer in every nation of the world and here I am laying on this blanket in san diego w/ no agenda, what. in. the. world?"

He is purging me.  this I know.
i am not mad.  just feel like I am dangling...
and I feel like I can't see one step in front of me..

and really, He is loosing me of control.
that could sum up prob much of it...

but really,  I'd rather have His way than anything...
it's just my logic so desperately wanting to wrap itself around something that is higher than itself.. and i don't think it's possible.

so i will rest in the fact that God isn't going to give me an agenda at this point.
my only agenda is letting Him love me for me and not for what I do, loving Him, and others.
which really is all that matters.

so much surrender is still needing to take place, because I am not completely okay with just that -- which is troubling...  i would say this could equate to "mourning" in the beatitudes.  mourning over my sin (idolizing works & my abilities),  realizing the place He has intended for my heart to be -- yet i fall so desperately short of understanding it, and living it out.   I need Him to lead me down paths of righteousness.   I need Him to conform in me the image of Christ.  and I need Him to perfect my faith.

all i can do is obey as He kindly leads.
His gentleness is what makes me great.

great and marvelous are all of Your works, just and true are all of Your ways!

amen.