change ... change.... it feels like it's in my DNA

i've been feeling pretty antsy lately.
today especially.

i often times get these urges to just pick up an move away.
or want some drastic change in my life.

my dad said some interesting words to me today.
words i have never heard him say to me, because he has always been such an encouragement to work hard, and go after what i want, even if i need to knock some doors down.

but today...  he told me "to wait....."

i am always in a place of wanting to switch my life around.
it's this constant discontentment. 
i've wondered why i get this way, and it's never been concluded.
there are the obvious sunday school answers, but in the deep anxt, you never want to hear those. 

i realize the drawing of the Lord saying to be satisfied in Him.  ya ya i get that...  but really..  do I?

more than in a job, in a community, in my "ministry assignment", in my house, my income...   to be okay with or without...  to just know He is my steady line.  man it's been a journey to REALLY get this....

i was wrestling deeply with the Lord tonight, feeling like now is the time to take a big leap.. maybe move out of state or something.. no joke i even thought of falling off grid to live to the wilderness for a while (crazy i know)....  anyway --  i tried to harness those thoughts and emotions in and gear them towards Jesus...  with my dad's word resounding in my mind...  as i pushed those desires towards Him i had this realization..   

my whole adulthood, from 19-32...  i have never lived anywhere for more than a year..   even though i lived in certain states for 2-6 years..  yet my actual living space was different each year..  i was constantly moving...  to add to this, i have never had the same job for more than a year and a half (i know that makes me sound so crazy unreliable).. and though some of my jobs may have stayed the same, (back when i was a Resident Director at Teen Mania for a few years).. even this had a twist of change because I would get a whole new group of 30-50 women each year who I had to get to know quickly..   even that dynamic I can see set me up to being used to constant change. pouring my life out for a group of gals, they all leave, a new group comes in, start over... in and out, and in and out...  new dorm, new work placement etc etc...   then going to another ministry after those six years, where every few months there was a new group of people in your community, and a handful who left..  leases last six month, then  you leave, then a new place... even coming home to Idaho and living here the past 3 years..  there has been constant change from where i live to what i do for work.... change has literally been the pattern of my life..

some people hate change..
i am pretty sure i thrive on it (when it's me making the decision). 

so no wonder sticking around doing the same job for more than 6 months, or living in the same apartment for over a year drives me bonkers some times...   I just realized...  i have been living in this same apartment in downtown Coeur d'Alene longer than I ever have lived anywhere my whole life   (well besides the house I grew up in before I moved away).  not to say to move to another place would be wrong...  but if i stay, i want to be okay... 

To be okay with JUST Jesus...  not hinge it on: what i do for work, what my position is at work, where i live, who my friends are, who i mentor, who mentors me, what my ministry is, what apartment i live in, how my worship set went, who likes me, who doesn't, what i am wearing, what i can afford, and what i cannot, if i get 10 likes on a picture, or 100, if people read my blog, or if people don't, if i am around people, if i am alone, being able to eat out and get dessert too, or having to eat cereal for the second time that day, having lots of money, or having none...  

i think of Philippians 4:13 ... this verse is often used to amp us up in some sporting event or stretching physical activity (literally, i got that verse sewn on my lettermans jacket in high school haha..) but if we read the verses before he states this -- he was talking about being content in every season... Paul understood something about contentment...   He understood that He couldn't do it it without God's help.. . 

12 I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. 13 I can do all things [a]through Him who strengthens me.

So all that to say...  i am deeply challenged.. and when i think I am doing good in this area, i realizes it goes even deeper.  my prayer is - Lord, I need Your help to be okay with the sammeee thingggg everrryyyy dayyyyyyyyyyy...

amen. 

The year my life changed.

Year 31, now in the books.

wow.  looking at my last post, it's been way too long. 
I need to get better at this.

crazy thing is.  I've actually had more on my heart to share in this past year than I did the year before. Yet every time i wanted to share, i just didn't feel that it was time...  still don't. (I seriously have spent the last few days typing it all out... but still think I need to stew on it a tad bit longer).  

It's ironic to think that my 30th year was the hardest year of my life, and my 31st year was the best year of my life so far.  God is so good.  

I feel like this year was a year that set me on a course beyond what I could have dreamt.  a level path of seeing clearer and lifting easy yokes and light burdens rather than the harder and heavier.  so much REST. 

God changed my life this year by opening my eyes to the good news.

the gospel.

I have so much to say about this, a video or a blog will come, hopefully sometime this summer.

I am His friend, I am one with Jesus, not sin.  Thank you Lord

Year 32, here we go.  Jesus have your way with me.

Amen.

Singles // A forgotten People Group?

So this is about singleness.

Don't worry,  i'm not writing some sappy letter for singles to identify with. AND, I'm not going to be speaking in context of being older, single and wanting to be married to an amazing man some day.

This entry is actually written to the families in the body of Christ.

Whether young or old, children or no children, this note is to help bring perspective of the reality of single people, whether man or woman, and the true state they are in every day.

Most people haven't really thought about what i'm about to explain, and know that it's not pointing a finger at the lack, but actually bringing light to the possibilities of impact - so please take a moment to entertain this idea for just a second.

I feel like single people are an easily overlooked people group in the church. This may come as an intense statement, but I feel it’s something that can be illuminated upon. where do singles fit in community? i think of the history of mankind. people wouldn't leave their homes until they were married. It seems God always had this plan to have people in families. He commissions believers to take care of the orphans and the widows, for one main reason – they didn’t have families.

The reality in our day is that we move out when we are 18. we visit home every now and then. but everyone has their own, individual life. you may see your real family once a year, if you live far away, or maybe every couple weeks if you live in the same town. but the day to day. what does it look like for a single person? well, most of the time, it looks like being alone.

Some don't even realize they are unhappy with that aloneness until they taste true hospitality and see they have been missing something. others do realize they are missing something and sometimes out of pure vulnerability share their feelings of loneliness, and what is the common response?

"Maybe God is trying to teach you something. You just need to learn to be content in Him, and not need people so much.."

This is the last thing a single person wants to hear from people who can't truly identify with what they're going through. yes, be content in God, we get it. believe us, we get it.  some have had years - decades, to understand this.

I have to say, that though I would consider myself strong in the Lord, and have a wonderful community. it's still a hard and awkward place to be when you're single. Honestly, it can get extremely lonely.

And what do you do with that feeling?  as a believer, you embrace the seasons of God and trust Him - turning to Him and asking that He fill you up. there are times, however, where it just feels like something has to be missing.

This isn't just feeling lonely and wanting a spouse. it's feeling lonely and wanting a tribe to run with. 

Who are the forgotten ones? who are the ones that face life by themselves?

We can think of the widows, and the orphans. but i don't think it's typical to think about the few singles within the church.

I am confident God thinks of those single people. He has a plan for them. A great plan to meet them in their aloneness... and He does it primarily through families. 

Psalm 68:8 says "The Lord sets the lonely in families.."

i have seen this with my own eyes. it's such a divine way He works in the hearts of people. i have known a good amount of single people in my life. Guess what the most influential thing has been in their life?

when families bring them in to be a part of their routine.

Yes, when families consider them as their own and include them in their story. the deep impact that this can make on a single person can never be underestimated. I personally can think of many families who opened up their doors and it played such a huge part in my life.

The priors // the valdez's // the lujans // the peakes // the kreibhels //the keoughs // the laundérs // the canales

All of these families invited me in to be a part of their life, and it richly blessed me beyond words. they could have easily chosen their own life and comfort. They could have excused away feeding another mouth, or giving me a space in their home to live. Instead, they opened their door to me and said, "eat with us, drink with us, play board games with us, take a stroll down the street with us, be a part of our family."

It's these families who open up their homes whom really make an impact on the random single people floating around..

Often, while you are sitting at your table with your children and husband - it's quite likely the singles you know are chopping up their vegetables in an empty house,

about to eat dinner by themselves. For some this is a choice, but for most it is a reality that can't be avoided.

Are times like this okay? Of course. It is not inherently bad to be alone. It can be refreshing after a long day. It can provide seasons of growth and insight. however, if it's constant, it can wear on one’s soul. The soul that God said in the beginning was not made to be alone.

In the midst of a group of believers, there should never be chronic lonely people in a community. solitude is for a season, not for a lifetime... 

and so…

Don't forget about the single people in your community.

Whether you're an old couple with no kids or a young couple with a million. the impact you can play on the lives of singles is substantial. all it takes is you inviting them along. rather than saying, "just embrace your aloneness and turn to God,"  the reaction can be transformed into personal action that says, "come over for dinner, you're always welcome in our home. we just really love having you around"

Now that sounds like the gospel.

I know God wants to use families to show the love of Christ.

It's as practical as inviting that person at church, before they walk out the door to eat Sunday lunch by themselves, to an invitation into your family afternoon.  (note: sometimes they may be shy and insecure about coming along, but your consistency WILL win them over).

It’s as easy as praying and seeing what God says about the singles in your community.

ask Him if there is one or two people you could invite to run alongside you and your family.

As we seek to place the widows and orphans into a family, remember the singles as well, they need it too.

goodbye 30 // lessons learned

closing of a chapter // goodbye 30

i remember when it happened people were asking me if i was okay. haha.

rather than feeling remorse about me not really having a career,

not being married + having children yet, 

(which are the main things 30 year old gals struggle with)  

i was actually surprisingly filled with a lot anticipation.  

excitement to start my adulthood.  

i know i know..  even though i had already lived 12 years of technical adulthood,

turning 30 felt like, the real deal.   

i remember pondering "what kind of woman do i want to be like?" 

it almost felt like a fresh start of life. 

with so much vision my year proceeded,

and let's just say - it didn't look anything like i would have every imagined it would.

it was actually the most humbling, dreadfully painful year of my life, 

but one that God used to show me His exceeding kindness towards me, His crazy mercy, and most of all His redemptive power. 

I'm not going to recap every detail of my whole year. 

I will just mention a few things, specifically recent thoughts. 

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today at one of my jobs, my co worker asked me 

"what was the best part of your year this past year?"  I instantly knew.  

Something happened recently that pretty much altered my whole view on this last year..  

I wrote a short blog about it but didn't feel like it was good timing bec it was so fresh between me an the Lord, so I deleted it..   

but now I can share it.  

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victory.

God is so awesome. 

He really is working in us.. sometimes only time will tell. 

recently I was going about my normal routine. 

and in a split second i was confronted with a situation that would have 

typically reeeeeeally discouraged me and thrown me off my rocker. 

these types of things can vary for each person. whether it's a demotion, 

confrontation, forgiveness, being embarrassed, being rejected, interacting 

with people who have hurt you, mistreatment, temptation, failing at a 

project. etc etc... 

though i wasn't completely absent of being shocked/impacted by the scenario. 

I still recognized that it didn't knock me out like it would have in the 

past, and it was then, I realized how FAR God has brought me.. 

it amazes me to see how the Lord reigns over everything. 

that even a situation where the enemy could have thrown fiery darts at my 

heart to wipe me out for the rest of the day(s). God took the situation to 

show me how much He has healed and matured me // showing me that the faith 

He has built up in me is stronger than those fiery darts. 

I know we are all humans and all have our crud. 

but i wanted to encourage you - 

God is working in you. 

as you are following Him, 

listening to Him, 

obeying Him, 

Surrendering and surrendering, 

He really is conforming you to the image of His Son. 

and even when you feel like you're failing, it's worth the fight to keep 

getting back up again and again.. 

know that He is making progress in you.. 

and what would typically sting, or grip you, bit by bit it will not faze you 

anymore because your faith will be stronger than the discouragement. 

amen, God is good! 

a friend of mine posted this. 

she drew this picture and it was seriously such a cool metaphor of God at 

work in our hearts. 

she captioned it "hey, God, what's that you're planting in there?" 

..."You'll see, my daughter, it's something good, I promise." 

amen. 

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lessons // ashes to beauty.

shame is constantly repeating a scenario(s) in your mind // ones that God has already forgiven & forgotten yet you remember, accuse and condemn yourself about it over and over again.

The Lord's redemption is something we cannot obtain on our own. The process of turning ashes into beauty is a leap of faith that gives no grip to your control // you are strictly at the mercy of His resurrection power to make things new (which is the best news because this power is the ONLY power that can change not just your actions but also your thoughts and emotions). 

If you've screwed up, and the enemy tries to remind you of such, trust Him and His works more than your own. If you've given it to Him and repented, He is now the one not just in the business of just taking that sin and washing you clean, but turning that whole scenario, as crazy as it sounds - into something beautiful. 

And typically, the beautiful thing isn't a scenery change it's a perspective change. Your heart changes, and all you can do is be in awe of HIM and His kindness towards us. 

amen.

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lessons // I am at His mercy.

i have never been in a place.  ever. 

where i was at the mercy of God taking my complete selfishness and not counting it against me.
I've lived so strictly, trying to do everything right.  
and well, the first half of the 30th year of my life 

I chose myself.
and i hurt people in the process 
*there is seriously nothing worse than deeply hurting another person.

the second half of my 30th year was surrendering control of my mistakes,
knowing I couldn't fix them, and asking God to redeem them.
and I am a testimony that God can take a situation that is so crappy (pardon my language) and reveal Himself as so so so strong, and so ridiculously kind.
not just changing your actions, but even your pain into gratitude.

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lessons // why do i feel that way?

i had a friend confront me in january about how i was always so sad all the time.
at first i took offense to this but then realized that it was true.
i was always taking on a certain emotion whether sadness or anxiety and pretty much always accepting it as my portion.

i had another friend talk to me about how demons speak in first person.
sometimes we think it's us who are having these thoughts, but they are actually lying spirits we are believing.

sometimes we can even get addicted to those emotions because feel them all the time.
they are our norm.  and to get over those addictions, it takes effort.  you can feel happy one day and think you have victory but then feel sad the next.  it's a constant renewing of the mind.  it takes 30 days to get over an addiction (scientist say), can God heal you in a moment?  probably - but a lot of it is believing the Truth, and that take working the muscle of faith..

however after my friend chatted with me about this,
she gave me these tips that changed my life.

first when the sadness came (or whatever the feeling your'e having came, that didn't seem of God).
rather than accepting it as your portion, to quickly dialogue with God about it.

1. God take this negative emotion away
if it doesn't go away then ask.

2. God is there some sort of wound in my heart that is causing this feeling to come up?  Show it to me (sometimes something may have happened in your day that pricked a deeper wound in you).  It's like listening to old music, or smelling a familiar smell and it takes you right back to those feelings.
ask Him to heal that wound, and speak truth over that lie that you may have believed (lots of times wounds come from lies believed about our identity due to situations that happened).

if the feeling is still there, then ask,

3. God do i have any sort of unforgiveness or offense in me?  in matt 18 it has the parable of the man who didn't forgive and he was sent to the tormentors.  in the same way if we have unforgiveness or bitterness or offense harboring in us, often times we feel in torment.  we must repent of that offense, and forgive from the heart (go to that place, feel the offense (so it's from your heart) and in humility, not count it against the one who wronged you).

if the feeling is still there, then it's likely a demon and you need to rebuke it in Jesus name.

life is warfare.
demons want to destroy us.
we are in a battle and we need to hold up that shield of faith
and use the Word of God / the sword of the Spirit.

it's productive to dialogue with God about things, and not so easily accept them as our portion.

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lessons // ask more questions.

this may seem humorous that i am saying this right after i just shared the above..
but here is another thing I learned.

i've also learned a lot about mentoring/coaching.
specifically one class i sat in this past year and it shattered a lot of my thinking.

coaching is a lot of question asking.
mentoring is when people to ask you to teach them specific things so it's okay to lay out some points for them to chew on.

most times we are in coaching scenarios not so much mentoring ones.

i don't want to be so much of a person telling people what they need to do or what they need to believe in regards to the bible, what the best steps to take in their specific season should look like,
or even what their calling is.

i tend to do that a lot.
and i don't want to do that anymore.

obviously i can encourage people, but i want to learn to ask more questions.
because when the people we meet can come up with their thoughts on their own, it will stick better.
not being so quick to tell people the answer.
coaching them through finding the answer rather than just giving it to them.

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learning // grace.

i am also learning a lot about grace,
most of you know (if you're in my immediate sphere)
that i have been wrestling with this idea of grace and works for about a year and a half now.
constantly reading the epistles trying to understand it.

as i was talking to my sister mary the other day about life, and our journey in God.
stuff was coming out of my mouth that surprised me..

i am beginning to see how the gospel is changing me.
causing me to just breath and live rather than always thinking how I should be living.
learning to not so quickly submit myself to a method or law.
but to hope in Christ more than my own efforts.
this is still a very stretching, and fresh process for me,
but it's one that I think His word is finally penetrating my heart.
and i pray that it continues to, until every religious bone in my body is shattered.

Romans 5 is actually the chapter I have been baffled by the most.
I chew on it a lot.  and it's implications are mind blowing.

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closing // thank you to friends. 

this isn't very typical of me to do on a blog,
but when i think of this last year I also think of all the people I journeyed it with. 

some were just a sheer delight to me, 
others were a tool of God sharply warning me.
other's just being such an encouragement to continue pressing on.  
I want to thank you:

mary gorman - my sis, you were there for me to cry with.  i bawled my eyes out with you.  you had more empathy for me that i could ever muster up for any human.

angela baird - you've always been a champion to me.  though you live 2000 miles away, our bi-weekly / monthly phone calls always encouraged me.  thank you as well for challenging me that one night in November.  you laid it out clear that God was calling me to draw a line in the sand  "Choose this day whom you will serve."

Sidney Launder - you saved my life.  i'll never forget that night you came to my church on September 5th, and kindly gave me the strongest warning/ confrontation straight from God I have ever heard.  Thank you for your obedience. 

Jess Taranto - you are an example that God is at work all over the earth.  Your sincerity for the Lord inspires me.  You constantly preached Jesus to me this past year.  Even challenging me to believe in His love in my darkest hours.  Thank you for being a friend I can talk with and pray with.  I am grateful for your persistence and support.

Kata Wilmotte - thank you for speaking into my life.  though i didn't listen to you when you did, you supported me after i had to pick up the pieces.  

Tiffy Valdez - thank for always being there for me to bounce my ideas off you.  and encouraging me in the midst of winter, that spring will come.  and it did. praise Jesus.  Also thank you for your grace with me - (Ricky you're included here).. I love you two like family.  Thank you for being willing to fight for our friendship in hard times.  

Rachel and Mike Shamberg - thanks for going on dates with me...  also opening your home for our small group to be so so vulnerable with each other.  that community group has impacted my life.  Rach, thanks for being a listening ear, and being so compassionate and understanding..  and thanks for not closing your heart off to me though there were many times I was very blunt and insensitive, thanks for being always willing to talk it out...  really, you make my life more fun.  you're a like a sister to me. Mike, we have also learned a lot as we have journeyed together in ministry, thanks for sticking with it and being my friend though I can be hard headed sometimes.  Also I think you're hilarious, love spending time with you guys. 

Chuck and Camille - your sincere tenderness and support of me has blessed me so much - i know that's a short line, but i really really mean that, i genuinely feel loved, believed in, and appreciated by you guys...

Annie and Phil Siemens -  you guys are rad. the timing that God brought you into my life was impeccable.  I so enjoyed the late night chats, the walks, the adventures you brought me on.  You added a lot of life to this year.  Thank you. 

Maddi Mularski  - you my friend, were a God send.  i loved our walks, our talks, or walks with no talking..  You were truly a gift during that 3 month winter season.  God is kind. 

Corinne Van Ostrand - i know i have only known you for a few months now, but thank you for loving Jesus so much.  You've been a breath of fresh air to me these past few month.  i feel like an old woman wrinkled by life, and you are like a bird who has been soaring for years, but each day seems like your first flight - full of adventure/ anticipation / expectancy.  Your willingness to be used by God in your daily ordinary life challenges me.

Chris and Heather Lauri - thank you for sticking it through with me - my moments of immaturity, were moments of opportunity in your guys' eyes.  thank you for your grace.  Chris, it's been an honor being your assistant so far, your humility and patient leadership with our church has challenged me to be a better leader.  i've learned a lot by watching your journey. and i think you are seriously so hilarious, thanks for being so fun.  heather - thank you for all your encouragement, and cheering me on, and really, i love how real you are, thanks for letting me hear your heart this past year.  It's always a privilege. 

Toby Keough and Sean Keough - thank you for letting me live with you guys.  i know the Lord set that up so divinely to bring healing to my heart.  Toby you are incredible friend.  You seriously saw me in my most wits end.  When I was so confused in God, and so full of pain.  You were there to just listen and encourage me.  I am grateful that you reached out to be my friend.  Sean, your like a bro I never had, thanks for being so kind a loving and fun!

Dad - I love you, thank you for being someone I can talk with, always believing in me.  You supported me so so so much this past year. 

Cari Canale - you are such a steady friend.  i processed so much with you when I was wresting with grace..  and learning to surrender my methods..  i loved our walks, and long talks..  you made up some of the sweet memories of my year.  and you're hands down the best roomy anyone could ever have.

Darlene Canale, and the rest of the Canale crew -- you guys have been such a joy to me.  i feel so blessed to have gotten to know you the past few months.  sitting at your house, eating dinner, talking theology, or about the weirdest oddest things has been a gift to my heart.  I love you guys

Sandy Wild - thank you for being so aware of me in the office, taking me for lunch when i felt stressed, and listening to my challenges, as well as my victories.  you sure are an encouragement, one that people can be totally raw with and still feel like a million bucks

there are probably a million other people, but I am getting sleepy..
so i'm bringing this to a close now.

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future. 

that's all i want to cover for this past year.
those are the most pivotal things.

God really changed my life this year.
Lord I give you year 31, you hold my breath, and my heart.
You've done an excellent job so far,
and I am so thankful for You and Your dedication to me.

You are truly great.

May 14 - Day 1 of a Normal Life

well. today marks a big day for me.

may 14

the day i moved back to my home town.

all my adulthood, i was gone, 

visiting home for christmas, and every now and then another part of the year.

my dad would constantly say he was praying for me to return.

i would cringe at the thought - thinking that would never happen.

i had bigger and better things to do (and yes, that was really my mindset).

now here i am.

and i've learned so much. 

He has changed me so much.

everything i am about to say, 

may sound like a repeat of things you've heard me say before, 

some thoughts new, 

but others just going deeper in my heart as values to live by.

 there is not much of a sequence below.. just thinking out loud.

>>>>>>>>>>

i went out to dinner with a younger gal tonight.

it was a good capper to this day signifying so much.

i don't realize how much is busting at the seams in me until i encounter hungry people.

however, what is bursting in me now is different than what was bursting in me before.

rather than lofty things.

it's now simple things.

sober.

simple things.

not hype.

just reality of the journey

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i kinda feel like Nebuchadnezzar. 

crazy comparison i know.

but i feel like He took my huge kingdom of ambition.

and has brought me to nothing.

not because he closed a million doors.

the doors were actually wide open, 

but he invited me to not walk through them.

to meet Him at the cross 

and not the palace i built for my own name - 

masking it by saying it was for His fame.

so talented.

so much passion.

so much favor.

now i'm eating grass 

(not really, but you get the picture).

I say this with much appreciation for God.

It's not like He was punishing me.

i honestly feel like He saved me.

does He do this with everyone?

I'm not sure.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

when i think of our walks in God...

rather than being strong, i want to see people feel okay to be weak.

rather than hearing people's plans to take over a nation for God,

I want them to be honest that they are actually having a hard time believing.

rather than hearing people repeat fiery statements they heard from a ministry leader.

i want to hear their latest commentary on a passage they read that day. 

over the years - i have had so much engrained in me, 

this is what knowing God looks like.

this is what making Him known looks like.

it created a framework in my heart that hoped in myself more than in Him.

now it's a process of reprogramming, and seeing what the bible really says.
and honesty the process has been grueling for me.
So much wonder of what is true
and what is just man's prescription from their interpretation
of Scripture.

i get weary when i hear people talk about how they want to encounter Jesus in certain ways, 

or when they feel like they need to get to a,b,c, to finally be in glorious place in Him.

when they stay up late hours crying out for Him, and He is already inside of them.

i think we can tend to glorify our methods far more than Jesus.

i have done this for years, and it's always causes me to feel like I am never measuring up.

what if in the midst of my busy life..

I am okay because God is in me.

I can talk with Him, and enjoy Him, and let Him enjoy me..

even if i'm not fasting, or in solitude for days..

i want reality.

i don't want what seems spiritual.

or what passionate people say is right.

what does the bible say.

i want that.

if you're part of a ministry or a program 

where you're told every day what your life in God is to look like.

i would encourage you to take some time and search it out yourself.

if you've been in that program for years, i would recommend taking a break for a while,

 live a bit of normal life..
i think a good dosage of it, is good for the ambitious soul.
It will seriously expose where your identity lies.

 I would dare to say that the program or ministry is not supposed to be
your life....  Or even what makes up your Christianity...
It can play part in it, but not define it, or hold it up.
In a moment it can disappear, and if you're leaning too much, you'll crumble quick.
Jesus & the gospel is the main story, not the ministry plans.

Jesus goes with you everywhere.
He won't disappear and can be fully leaned upon to define us.

Kill me if you want, but those are my honest thoughts...

Side note: I think mothers understand this more than most,
as they have had to surrender everything to be home
and serve in the secret place.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

i was talking to one of my best friends the other day, and I said,

"the most stretching thing for me, is to live a normal life.."

i've had lofty vision.

i have had many prophetic words for my future.

but what's stretches me the most is saying yes to the mundane.

and to know that I am okay in it.

God's ways are seriously not our ways...

He cares for our hearts, and in every season of the soul, 

He really is so so good.
He cares for us so much.

i know this blog entry wasn't so profound.

 but wanted to write on this day that signifies when God literally turned my world upside down...

May 14 - the first day of my normal life.

EXTRAVAGANCE?

i had a mentor of mine tell me the other day that she is noticing that the Lord is "hiding" His leaders.

there are some in the world who desire to do nothing but what they are used to.

there are others who dream beyond their grasp, 

wanting to touch every unknown place, 

they are exhilarated by impact. 

whether it be big in the eyes of man, or small,

more extraordinary than numbers, bigger than fame, i think obedience is the definition of 

extravagance before God. 

anyone can sign up for a movement.

a system.

a program that is already taking you somewhere.

but to the passionate one who wants to take over the world for Jesus.

He may ask you to lay down in green pastures for a while.

those pastures can purge.  

these take you to the familiar moments in the wilderness Jesus experienced.

as He was being tempted by the devil.

the Son of God being beckoned to bow down to Satan in order to receive temporary glory.

He knew that all things were held together by His power.

all things were made through Him and for Him,

His future consists of all things being subject to Him.

Yet, He didn't assume these rights, He knew there was a route He needed to take to get there.

He trusted His Father - knowing that His Father's way was to true glory. 

that route was for Him to die. 

Wait, You are the King? 

Wait, You have all this power to heal, why don't You heal everyone NOW?

Wait, what?  You're going to take all that potential, and just DIE?

Yep.  that's what He did.  

Fully submitting His spirit into the Father's hands.

Now He is seated in the highest place.  

All glory and honor are His.

A kernel of wheat must fall to the ground and die, then it can produce a plentiful crop.  

but it if doesn't -- it will stand alone. 

There are moments in our lives where Jesus will remind us that the very thing you're facing is the exact thing He faced.  In that moment you can tolerate it, or take it as a divine privilege of identifying with Christ in His suffering, in His journey.  

with my heart and soul feeling like wild horses,

ready to overtake the pastures, hills, valleys, and mountains of life.

He whispers to me to stay still.

i just wanna go now Lord.

please let me.

stay still.

be with Me here.

obey.

die with Me here.

the Father is the one who gives a glory that will last.

not man. 

it still feels like crucifixion.

you'd think i'd be done with this season by now.

but nope. 

the horses all harnessed up.

not even able to step out of the gate. 

others who may be a part of the swirl of "making impact in large numbers"

may be tempted to look at the lying down and deem it as falling away,

as a heart going dull. 

what are you doing with your life?

we know your calling, and it seems as if it's slipping through your fingers..

i used to have an underlining judgment towards the average christian.

though they were faithful to their church

accountable to their community

loving those around them and sincerely reaching for God in their daily mundane life.

if i was honest -- i believed they were ones who were just not "getting it"

but "someday they would"

now i am that average christian.

faithful to the church.

accountable to my community

and trying to sincerely love Jesus in my daily mundane life.

my sincere apologies to those who ever felt the brunt of my pride in thinking that what you were doing was less extravangant.

i believe if you have all the talent in the world to preach and teach and disciple the world and you hear God tell you to work at a coffee shop and love your friends, 

do it in faith, whole heartily before His eyes, this is extravagance. 

if you have a musical talent, and can lead stadiums in worship yet you feel like you're suppose to be a crazy good lawyer

do it in faith, whole heartily before His eyes, this is extravagance. 

if you have a passion for the children in India, yet He has guided you down a road to be a mom who never gets noticed for all your hard work

do it in faith, whole heartily before His eyes, this is extravagance. 

if you have a skill to administrate a whole ministry to be a thriving machine yet He invites you to sell art work in a retail store

do it in faith, whole heartily before His eyes, this is extravagance. 

yet on the other hand.

if you're working at a coffee shop, a lawyer, a salesperson, yet feel Him calling you to missions, to be a part of a ministry, to be preach to the nations, to lead stadiums in worship, 

do it in faith, whole heartily before His eyes, this is extravagance. 

obedience is extravagance.

following Him where He is leading you is.

He is looking for willingness to follow Him wherever He goes.

and where He goes is to the cross.
what the cross looks like for each person?  i am not sure.
but when you're hanging on it, and you feel like He has forsaken you.
just hold on...  true life is about to happen.

///////////////////

peace be with you friends, 

this journey is glorious.

and often looks so opposite of what we assumed it would be.

this is what i know

He is wise and His ways can always be trusted. 

- court