two things to talk about.

1. My new worship album.

2. Life Lessons.

//WORSHIP ALBUM

1. I released a CD called "Look and See" on iTunes!

This is something I have wanted to do for years, and the Lord set it up perfectly to finally do it.  

I honestly believe the Lord is all over this album, and wants to reveal His heart and plan through it.  

I would encourage you to go check it out!  if you enjoy it please spread the word :) 

//LIFE

i've been in Idaho for about 2 1/2 weeks now. 

it's been quite the ride. 

as each day goes on, it seems like i'm being challenged, encouraged, and enlightened in some way shape or form.  

week one - am I willing? 

the first week I was here I found myself weeping in front of my little sister (which I have never done before), so overwhelmed with the concept of what I thought God was calling me to.  The idea of discipling people in the world who may end up choosing their own way and wanting nothing to do with God as they dull their hearts with conditional pleasures...  in the face of this limbo of their heart, to choose to love and pray for them and trust Jesus with their soul... was a hard one to swallow.  but i concluded:  Lord, I am willing.  If you want me to leave the 99 and chase the one who may deny you later, i'll do it.  

week 2 - figuring what to do? 

then a week goes by.  i find myself in a place where I am posturing myself to figure out my next steps.  which i should know by now that God has me in a season of "not figuring."  every time i do I get confused, and later on find out that any conclusions I think I have made are based on a lopsided belief system that is still in the process of being reprogrammed.  

mindsets on changing the world. 

a week ago when I was sitting in a little church in my home town, (it happens to be the church I got saved in and was a part before I left to Teen Mania).  I was sitting in the third row, and they were singing this song with a bridge that said "I'm gonna change the world.. I'm gonna change the world."-  after this the pastor got up and exhorted the body of believers in the room that God had a destiny for them and that they can change the world.  As I sat and listened, many things were going on in my heart and mind.  I was thinking about the two responses to this message. 

• To a small town church, this message could be like intense fertilized water to a dry seed.  It's like finding out that a simple story book actually has extra folds in the page that could be unraveled to three times the page size, revealing a bigger picture, with a more adventurous story.  what enlightenment! 
• then there was me.  sitting there.  and i listened to these words and I felt like I rejected them.  it was almost like there was no capacity in my system for another "change the world" exhortation. as some were possibly hearing this for the first, second, third time. I felt like I was almost drunk with it.  as if i had a heavy dose of the concept constantly pumped straight into my system nonstop for ten years straight.  with this said, I felt like I couldn't handle another drop of encouragement in this area. 

as you read this.  the red flags for being jaded may begin to be flapping in the air in your mind.  read on and i'll assure you this has a positive outcome :) 

who am I? 

as i was processing out loud to a good friend of mine.  i was desperately going back in forth with what I think I should do next on this nomad journey.  they encouraged me and it seemed so timely, like my heart was ready to absorb it though my ears have prob heard it before...   they challenged me to not base my decisions on what I think I will be "doing" in the next place... because I am trying to make it legitimate to myself and to others that my next step is "worth supporting"...   

yes, I am going to talk about "doing" again.  it's really something I thought I had figured out years ago, but it goes deep deep deep and i'm realizing it comes in all shapes and sizes..  

so she continued by saying that I need to find who I am apart from ministry - which I felt the Holy Spirit was in keen agreement with.  if i was honest, i would say that i feel like i am fully programmed well polished a ministry machine.  give me any sort of ministry assignment or person/group to train/ disciple and I'll use the tools in my well trained belt to make it happen.  this is what i'm good at, this is what i do...    but apart from this who in the world am I?  who am I to God?  a tool?  who am I to people?  a means to a fulfillment of a vision? if full time ministry has formed who I am and has been my purpose...  what if God told me not to do it. then what's my purpose?  if the reason I exist is now taken away...   why do I exist?  there is tempting thought that there is no reason to exist if this is the case..   which is obviously not true, but God is in the process of kindly helping me believe why.  

in this convo... I began to realize more and more how intoxicated I am with an idea of what I think is extraordinary.  the thought of simply obeying Him...  whatever that looks like, whether that's to live in idaho and get a job, to move to San Diego and work and go to that church i like down there...  wherever..  that if it's Him leading me, then it's worth it...  (my response to these potential scenarios troubles me as I view them as "painfully ordinary")... but He is in the process of reprogramming me to realize that what I think is ordinary could actually be His path to extraordinary... His thoughts are far more higher than mine...  

I need to believe that what I do for Him does not equate to the reason for my existence... my purpose in life isn't what i put my hand to...  what really is the measure of greatness?  matthew 5, 6, & 7 lays it out pretty clear...   i can be doing things that i equate as extraordinary for God, yet be bankrupt of the attributes of the kingdom and intimacy with Him.....   over time i think i just put the cart before the horse...   i chased the dream as my purpose, rather than chasing God as my purpose...    if I place Him first, then "changing the world" is and overflow from that.

there are many people out there (probably 95% of the believers) who have kids, they take care of their family, they work a simple job..  and they will probably never get on a stage and preach to the masses.. or be a part of a strategic prayer plan that touches every nation of the globe... yet they love God with all your heart soul mind and strength, have put their heart to obeying His commands..

what makes me think this sort of life is so plain? there is something drastically wrong with my thinking...  and He is reprogramming me.

as I  process this journey out-loud to the world, I don't want it to seem like I am anti-ministry.. or anti having it be your full time occupation... (i think that's awesome)...  and i can look back on these past ten years and I honestly feel the Lord's pleasure over them and I know He has counted them as fruitful...   I think He is now just refining some mindsets that were formed on the way.  and it's rocking my system!

ministry?

so does this mean I won't be doing ministry?  

I believe this is a time of me realizing what I like to do and what I actually don't like to do...  i think from the overflow of just an honest heart before Him, I will be doing ministry in some way shape or form, out of pure expression rather than requirement..  however, will i be working in ministry as a "full time occupation" anytime soon?  I'm in dialogue with the Lord about that one, and whatever He says... I'll do :) 

-court

a vision being stretched.

a trip.

got to spend time with Liz Delgadillo this past week (she was in my RD group at Teen Mania yrs ago)

such a beloved friend, and lover of Jesus.

we went to hollywood/LA, Santa Barbara, Santa Monica, and also relaxed in Ventura where she is lives...

it was so much fun chatting with her, and relaxing :)

prophetic singing.

while i was there i got to lead worship at her youth group.

her youth group was all Hispanic, and majority of them under the age of 16.

God really moved at the altar call..  the kids were weeping, and many of them were encouraged

it was so much fun to listen to the Lord, and sing His heart over them.

haven't gotten to do that in a while.

when I left Colorado it was the plan to take a one month sabbatical.

after the time at the youth group.. we were about to leave -- I asked Liz "what's the date?"

she said "May 4th."  I was like... "oh wow.. I left Colorado April 4th... it's been exactly a month."  it was awesome the the day it ended, I got to do one of the things I love most.

realizing.

i think being away is helping me sift through what I truly love, and what I have just done because I know how to do it... I remember going to an evening meeting at All People's Church here in SD.

the worship leader was just lingering in a corporate setting, and began to sing songs over us about the love of God.  it was in that moment that i was like "oh yeah... that's what I love to do." in the house of prayer they call prophetic songs "oracles" -- usually there is a format to them where you sing them for about 2-5 minutes, and then end with a chorus...   but to have a corporate worship setting where it's very open ended, and there is time to linger and minister to the people.. is kinda rare and is honesty a passion of mine.

  

love the 1 not just the 99.
while being in ventura one of my financial partners called me and asked me how things were going.

i was telling him that I have been challenged with the idea that God may be asking me to just be faithful to something simple and small, and loving a few people rather than being so focused on wanting to run a corporate ministry.  he replied by saying "courtney it sounds like the Lord is broadening your vision, and your love."  it was interesting to hear him say that,  because I honestly feel like the vision is getting small, resulting in less impact...    but me learning to love in the small,  is actually Him expanding my vision and digging deep my capacity for love..

a whole new avenue of discipleship.

i have  a lot to say about this, but i could possibly write it in a whole different entry.   to keep it short, I feel God is challenging me in an avenue that seems quite foreign to me. I will have to explain this in another note, because I have typed it up and erased is a couple times, and it's just too much for me to explain right now...  I could honestly say that I thought I was nearly a pro at discipleship until 4 days ago....   i see a very clear invitation from the Lord to step into a foreign arena...  and it only makes me feel completely at a loss and desperate for the Lord, because I am pretty sure my skilllzzzzz or experience are like a penny in the ocean for what's needed..  

it leaves me needy for Him, which makes me know that it's a good lesson He is about to teach me...

 

vain attempts.

he also prayed for me and said "Lord keep her from the temptation of making her life secure."  this was very challenging.  i am so desperately wanting to get a grip on things, so that I can conclude in my own heart what I am doing and what He is doing, but also conclude to others what I am doing.

from that convo it made sense to me that as I measure God's work in me in this season (i tend to want to hurry up the season and learn things quick)...  He will probably always be causing me to feel desperate and in need.  if I find a process that works, it would be easy for me to cling to that process and feel comfort from the control I am in, rather than leaning into Him.  it will probably end up being where I look back and see how far God has taken me through the journey of clinging to Him..  rather than measuring it step by step by my own successful maneuvering. 

the Lord is still bringing me through the process of learning not to "do"...  i can say so much about this right now..   it's not that I am not "doing" anything -- but it's learning to surrender my idea of what I think is worth doing...  and as I have been journeying forward in living a "simple" life of just loving Him, and those in front of me..  i have had moments of dreaming forward to see what God would have for me in the future...    i ask Him, then what i hear is -- SILENCE..   He doesn't tell me anything.  in those moments, the way my heart responds is troubling.  lets just say my identity is being put on trial and there is much evidence that it's buckled to another system other than God's.  so He is patiently leading me through this process of understanding what Christianity is.  Thank You Jesus.

gazing on Jesus.

today i was listening to an ihop spontaneous song on tiff's iTunes...  and there was this bridge in the song that said "i have never seen another more beautiful, i have never seen another more lovely, i have never seen another more righteous, i have never seen another more holy holy"..    there is a place of encounter with Jesus, that can happen so easily as we choose to slow down in a life, and even if life may not seem busy right now, our minds can tend to be like a nascar track.. but to take the moment to dial down, and lift up the eyes of our heart and gaze on the beauty of Jesus...   this is the best place to be...    i love Him and I love to behold Him.   i would encourage you to do the same - "at His right hand are pleasures forever more..."  - Jesus is at His right hand.

until next time.

-court