the productivity of rest.

to those who are listening to God, and He has led you to a place you never thought you would be.
to those who have been invited down a road that seems so opposite of your plan.
to those He has invited to take a season of rest.

i encourage you with this.

there is such a mysterious narrow road that doesn't make sense to any but those who go down it.
there is an unnecessary pressure that people feel to be doing something worth while, though all the while they feel like God is asking them to do the opposite.

they are asked by others "so what are you doing these days?" "give me the measurables for your life" -- and in response with embarrassment felt in their heart, have nothing but a simple mundane reply.

this is the reason you are here.
the initial embarrassment, or feeling disappointed in yourself for not doing something worth while, is one of the exact reasons God has you here, to rebuke that very lie straight on.

the people who ask what you are doing these days,
and have judgement in response to your mundane response,
i would dare say that they have yet to realize that they too are seaped in a value system that is based on their own efforts of proving themselves to God and building their own kingdom, rather than truly doing something for the sake of His fame. (strong statement I know)

this may sound cryptic and broad, but those who have been invited down the path of death.
death to ambition, death to self, death to your own fame, the glorious invite to find true life.
you understand exactly what i'm talking about.  He is allured you to the wilderness, where there is nothing to cling to, it is there He will speak kindly to you, it is there that He will betroth you to Himself (Hosea 2).

you want to run away.
you want to do big things.
but also you want to do something that seems worth while to yourself,
and also for the sake of those watching.

and out of sincerity of heart, you want to do something worth while in His eyes (which is the very thing He is in the process of redefining for you).

but know this, the ONE who is watching, loves that you are sticking around.
He loves that you chose to tuck away.
He wants to meet you here.
where you're alone, and doing nothing.

this season will change your life.
a message will be formed in you that will not be influenced by another man's vision.

as you are sitting, you're actually going forward.
as you are waiting, you're actually taking ground..

if you decided to go do something you thought was worth while in this season, something familiar, something that seemed like it was having impact - i would dare to say that is where you're actually going backwards, and you're actually losing ground..

it takes courage to obey God.
and the few that are reading this, and get what i'm saying, this message is speaking loud and clear to your heart...

to you, i want to say, obey.
and if you have obeyed, and took the leap.
i would take it even further and say
"fully obey"

do not just tolerate the season, but embrace it.

if he wants you to be in solitude for a while.
if He wants you to rest. fully rest.
do not run to things in the midst of resting that will make you feel like you're atleast doing "something"...    fully rest.    ask God to guide you in the day to day.

Lord am I to do that or this right now?

do not give yourself to this season feeling like it's an equation.
with the mindset of - if i do this, THEN, i can do this..
just fully embrace the now...  not wishing it away...  or tolerating it so you can get somewhere else soon.  the moment you begin to not care about what's next, feeling content in His leading, is a good sign..

I think of
Psalms 131:

O Lord, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty;
Nor do I involve myself in great matters,
Or in things too difficult for me.
² Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother,
My soul is like a weaned child within me.
³ O Israel, hope in the Lord
From this time forth and forever.

You will get to a point where living before His eyes alone, and listening to His voice, influences you (because you see His goodness in it), more than your own opinion, or other's opinion.

pit stops are necessary...
if you're driving around with a broken axel and low fuel, some watching may say keep going keep going...  why are you stopping??  atleast be a part of small races right now, you have so much potential, you shouldn't just be parked somewhere...  are you falling away?  you're just not as intense as you used to be...  don't you see what God is doing on the earth, you should probably be a part of it!

but if you keep going, soon you'll crash, or just burn out,
but if you listen to Him, and He says stop for a while,
lets get some gas in your tank,
get you even better tires that will take you over mountains rather than just a concrete track,
and a stronger axel that will never snap...

I would say do not listen to the people watching, listen to the one who made the car...

listen to Him because He is wise, and knows what it takes to form in you what's necessary...
though everyone else has thought you quit the race, He is actually equipping you to win.

know that the period of waiting and not finding, is actually part of His process..
His process of forming in you something that cannot be explained too well with words.
but as you journey on, you'll begin to know exactly what i'm talking about.

find Him. rather than finding what you think makes you're life awesome to Him.

Listen, obey. don't find your identity in what you think is important to Him,
I dare you to slow down, get in His Word, and ask Him to tell you what's important to Him.
Rather than your own pressures, and the pressures of others defining it for you.

sitting under the shade of His tree (the cross). (song of songs 2)
feasting at His banqueting table.
Understanding His delight in you as you "sit".
is fuel that will help you skip over the hills and leap over the mountains with Him later.

bless you friends.

amen.

thoughts for today.

i have a lot of thoughts today.

i usually have a goal to blog, but then i have so many thoughts, it seems to daunting to even try.

but when i do try, i takes me 6 hours..

today i want to blog in 15 minutes.

lets see what comes out of me in that short amount of time...

not sure if this will be anything profound, i think i may just share whatever comes to mind.

so this may all sound really sporadic.

i am listening to an old cd on spotify by Seven Day Jesus...

i used to listen to this in high school.

though i live in the place i grew up in.

i often feel like i am so detached from my memories of growing up here.

i can see places that are familiar.

but it's like i don't have any emotions connected to it...

// change of thought.

last night i was driving home with my sister and she had a song from IHOP playing.

it was a clear night so i could see the stars.

the song was saying that it was my delight to obey God.

the content of the music, IHOP music, just brought me right back to my time there.

i was reminiscing in the season of where my whole aim was to know the deep things of God...

it felt like i "missed Jesus" or something...  i literally felt like listening to the music i was all of a sudden back in time, and could feel how i felt back then...  and it's like i missed that feeling...

it's easy to then think that something is wrong...  that maybe i'm not hungering for God as much... but this thought came to my mind that though it doesn't look the same as back then, where my 24/7 job was to be in prayer or organizing programs to cater to others praying...   which it could naturally feel like i'm missing something, like i'm not going hard for God anymore...  but then this thought came "though it looks different, maybe you're a lot further along than even back then..."  

i work a lot now...

i have two jobs, and they both have nothing to do with facilitating prayer..

one has to do with fashion and making quality goods..

another has to do with consulting with oil companies..

i am in a place now where I am trying not to compare this season with past seasons.

in all contexts...  with my church, community, daily life...  it's just different..

i can't make it be what I am used to...  because then expectations are there, and they don't get met, then I get disappointed, and then i find myself sulking in self pity...  

self pity can sneak in so easily, and i think it's hard to catch right away...

but now i have a turning of a leaf, my eyes were opened to the fact that i was really giving myself to self pity, and it's like i wasn't able to see the beauty of what was going on in front of me...

though i'm used to giving my life to God in the context where everyone is running together with the same vision, where we are all spending time with God for hours together in prayer rooms...  

God has me in a place where i am learning to have a relationship with Him outside those contexts..

to be honest i find myself at a loss at points..

today i was processing out loud with a friend of mine up here.

just feeling like i don't have any sort of grip on what my relationship with Jesus is to look like..

but there is odd assurance, that i almost feel like God wants it that way...

i like conclusions, i hate processes...  so to be so unconcluded is an interesting place to be...

as i read the Word today, i was reading psalms, and just thinking about how the standard of loving God and knowing Him, and living Godly just seemed so high...   and i had something happen in my heart that i don't know if it has ever happened before in my whole Christian walk...

i was reading "You are compassionate, to those who fear you..."  etc..   always feeling like there is some tag on it the end...  not just that He is compassionate...   it kinda frustrated me...

i all of sudden was like "this is just TOO HARD.. ALL OF THIS IS JUST TOO HARD, AND I'M TIRED OF TRYING TO DO IT AND ALWAYS NEVER FEELING LIKE I CAN MEASURE UP."

it was a disheartening thing...   i then began to think if "blessed are those who mourn" passage was happening to me at that moment..  mourning over the reality of where I am at, and where I could be and realizing i fall so painfully short....

again though, in my head it concerned me because i felt like i was almost tired and just through with it all...   but then all of a sudden it dawned on me...   "hmmmm, i wonder if this is the exact place God has been trying to get me to be..."  

i then went to Colossians 2 and read..

⁹ For in Him all thefullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, ¹⁰ and in Him you have been made^[i]complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority; ¹¹ and in Him you were also circumcised with a circumcision made without hands, in the removal ofthe body of the flesh by the circumcision of Christ; ¹² having been buried with Him in baptism, in which you were also raised up with Him through faith in the working of God, who raised Him from the dead. ¹³ When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions, ¹⁴ having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross. ¹⁵ When He had disarmed the rulers and authorities, He made a public display of them, having triumphed over them through Him.

reminded also of the story of the good samaritan..   where he saw the man half dead...

the religious ones walked right past him (some think because maybe they were just being selfish, but really their Law was that if they touched a diseased person, they would then be considered unclean, and would have to go through this whole process to be clean again)...  but then a samaritan came washed his wounds and put his oil and wine on them, then picked him up and put him on his own beast, and paid for his debt...

the gospel can be pulled from this story..

what the Law could not do, only grace/work on the cross could do...

He picked us up when we were dead in our sin, washed us, cleaned up, and sat us with Him in heavenly places, paying for our debt..

i think the Lord is having me get to the point of realizing, that SERIOUSLY my own efforts will never measure up to what only He can do and has done to make me right before Him..

even working so much -- no joke, this whole last week i didn't have a quiet time...

and it may just seem like i am so steep in religion...  but it's like i just don't get it or something..

where i would apologize to Jesus as I was driving to work, because I didn't get time with Him alone in my room...    but again there was this thing in me that was saying maybe it is during this week that I feel so unlikely to get blasted by God, watch I do when I'm not even trying....

i think time with God is important...

but i think there is something still deep in me that really relies on myself more than I rely on God....

I want God, my heart longs for Him...  but the truth i've preached for years about Him being our righteousness...  God do what You need to, to make me realize that I was dead, and you are the One who made me alive, that I had nothing to do with this..

// change of thought

today i had a good day with a sweet friend named Rachel.

i was encouraged as she shared her heart on what the Lord was teaching her..

also as she just listened to me process my heart out loud about Jesus...

to have friends who just want to hear you talk about your week, and who are honest with their lives and how they are doing is a true blessing.

thanks Rach, you're a sincere, tender hearted, wise, fun friend.

// change of thought.

i am learning a lot about denim lately.

i think it's really fascinating.

// change of thought.

idaho is a culture just like ethiopia is..

i realized the hard way that you cant try to change things or compare them to what you're used to.

you have to relate to people as you would those in another nation...

if they do church a certain way, you do church like them, if they dance a certain way, you dance like them, if they eat weird meat and bread, you eat their weird meat and bread..

so in the same way, as i encounter the people/culture in idaho -- this mindset needs to be just the same...   we can easily hurt and insult people if we are not sensitive to how they do things..  they are sincere just as you are sincere --  so honoring them is far more productive than comparing....

// change of thought.

i think i'm realizing that i don't like administration as much as i used to...   i am pondering other ideas...  i love design, i love marketing...   i don't know how i am to go about pursuing this --- but the thought of doing these things makes my heart burst versus making a spreadsheet and filling it with data...     i like to bring structure, but mainly doing oversight, doing the maintaining, literally drains me...      the pastor at my church said that i can help out with graphic design and the interior design at the church...  and no joke, when he said this, i began to get choked up with tears..  i was so extremely grateful...  i have had many opportunities in my life to do many things, but this is one thing that I haven't really gotten much opportunity to do, and it's something I really like to do...  so I was so happy to hear that I could potentially explore this area.

// change of thought.

it's been sunny here in idaho the past few days and it's been so glorious..

// change of thought.

I have a lot to talk about when it comes to the subject of "fame" -- but i don't feel like typing a whole thing about it...    but i'll share that some day, some of it i'll include below, but not the full extent of it.

// change of thought.

i have to lead worship for a meeting on tuesday night, and it's weird how i burdened i feel when i have to lead for a congregation of people who may not know the songs i play...  so then i feel all this pressure to learn all these new songs...    random i know..     it usually always ends up going great, i just always feel this weird pressure...

// change of thought.

i have noticed that the more money you make the easier it is to be selfish, which seems soooooo opposite of what should happen..  i noticed me being like this the other day, and i didn't like it...  Lord protect me from letting money own me.  

// change of thought.

i often want to impact many at a time.

to plan and strategize in fancy offices, white boards, nice chairs. 

brainstorming how to make a ministry fluid and affective.

if i was given a task to set up a strategy to disciple every nation in the globe.

this would be daunting, but at the same time i feel like I would thrive in this more than I would if God told me to take the homeless lady on the side of the road out for coffee...

dreaming up programs to change the world seems easier to me than reaching out to my own grandma who is alone in a nursing home, or the gal at church who sits by herself in the back and I know she's prob been steeped in drugs and no one really wants to be her friend because she is needy.....   

All those things feel like they cost me something, almost like a part of me is dying to myself...  
how can i love the macro if i don't love the micro?  Forming programs and dreaming big makes my inner self feel accomplished because I am part of something making impact.

if i don't love the micro (the one in front of me) -- then really the macro is solely desired for one reason:

|| my own fame ||

my own kingdom is in mind when i think of impacting the multitudes.
but loving the one in front of you is in secret...   


i want to know that it was me that helped spear head the movement...

It's about Jesus' fame, not mine...  not that all dreams of making impact are bad, but there is an ugly head of pride that is being crucified in me this past month... lots of my ambition that needs to die, but i have realized that it's God who needs to kill it..  i can just offer it to Him...


If we think Christianity is about preaching on stage, and or leading thousands in worship, or being a part of a ministry that is leading millions to the Lord every month -- but then i leave the building and don't want to talk to the needy person in the back-row -- i really feel like their is a major disconnect going on there...    

// change of thought.

to all those who read this, I encourage you -- take the time to stop and ask the people you run into how they are really doing, when they think they shared it all, stay quiet for a little longer, and let them share a bit more that they didn't even know was inside of them,  then listen to Jesus and His thoughts for them, then share those thoughts that God has for them.  also take time to pray for them.  it will bless them.

that was longer than 15 minutes...

my apologies if there were tons of grammer / spelling errors, i didn't read over this before i posted, just typed my thoughts.

bless you friends, 

God is leading you so perfectly, embrace the season in front of you rather than just tolerate it..

-court

pondering a year.

2 0 1 2

changed my life. 

i would have never expected this year would contain what it did.

it's interesting looking back a year ago.

i was home in idaho for Christmas break, as usual.

vamping up to go back home to colorado springs.

the place i thought i'd probably be forever.

the place where I was giving myself to a certain dream that I would die for.

the vision that we would partner with Jesus to be adored in every tribe tongue and nation.

i burned with it, and thought i'd be forerunning this movement unto He split the sky to return to His singing Bride. 

however, a few months into 2012, 

things drastically changed.  

and I was needing to make some big decisions.

I felt such a clear invite from Jesus to take some faith fill steps.

to go the opposite direction of the dream.  

I listened to Him, trusting that He would cause everything to work out.  

I didn't realize that His timing of "working things out" were so painfully slow.  

They looked nothing like I thought they would.

I trusted Him though, knowing He knew best. 

my whole Christian walk 

I have always felt like I would do something that seemed big in my own eyes.

whatever that may be,

preaching to the multitudes, 

leading worship in stadiums and a people encountering His presence like never before...   

leading an army with courage in the end of the age..  

to be the point of the arrow in the end time worship movement..   

I feel like God has taken this year to shake my paradigm of what is "big" to Him. 

now i sit here.  back in idaho.  

it being my official home now 

which that in itself, I would have NEVER imagined would ever happen in a million years.   

i wake up every day - with not much of an agenda.

i no longer have any programs to develop, 

people to lead in worship,

departments to manage, 

or movement to give myself to.

i get ready, 

make my aero press coffee, 

sit on the side of my bed, with the space heater on my feet.

coffee in hand with a soft blanket.

i look out the window, 

read the bible slowly, 

and posture myself to understand Christianity through the Word.  

i close my eyes and aim my heart towards Jesus...  

then pick up and head to work, or to a meeting.

my job is no longer to strategize how to train a people to be sent to the nations,

or to facilitate an end times worship movement..   

but i am now strategizing on things like how to make a promo video for a high end men's line called Thrux Lawrence that designs and sells a backpack, pant and belt..   

i send emails to designers, and I order stamps that cater to expressing sizes on hangtags that label denim attire.  I give input on what leather matches what canvas, and what type of buttons should close up the fly of a hickory striped pant.  yep this is what i do.  

wow, Jesus, in 2012, You drastically shifted things. 

there was a lot that happened between last year and this very moment.  

as many of you know if you've read my earlier posts - so i'll spare you any lengthy repetition...

a little Recap. 

Picked up and moved away from Colorado. good bye my dear comrades. 

flew to San Diego, stayed 5 weeks with some of my best friends - Ricky & Tiffy.

Lots of eating, watching shows online, and good talks about Jesus, surrendering dreams.

booked a ticket to Idaho to visit my family.

thinking i'd be here for one month - but as time went on He kept telling me to stay.

this summer was much needed time of solitude.  

listening to Jesus.  

reading His Word with fresh eyes. 

and learning to surrender my ideas of ministry to Him. 

spending time with my family.

My identity being tested.

Surrendering ministry to God - He wanted me to learn who I was apart from working for a ministry.

Giving myself time to breathe and realize what I really enjoy doing -- which I discovered, i LOVE business, and design.  

This time of quieting my heart was so refreshing, yet stretching.

As time went on. I decided that I'd stay through the whole summer, then after that, move back to Colorado. He sure had a different idea. 

Summer was closing and I met a couple - Mark and Sidney Launder 

who were missionaries from Africa.  I thought I was moving to CO,

but I soon found myself purchasing a ticket to 

Ethiopia.

I spent five weeks across the world, living in the midst of poverty and dirt.

this was one of the most stretching, eye opening experiences for me.

learning how much i deal with control.

how much I really love people.

and what is important to God. 

I am so glad I went on this trip. 

I then flew back to Idaho

I still didn't feel the release to move away from this place.

so I set it in my heart that I would only stay until January.

it was an abrupt culture shock coming back from Africa to Idaho.

It felt like the rubber was hitting the road.

my season of solitude was over, and now what am I to do?

how do you live normal life and keep Jesus as your vision?

how do you not let money become a focus when your purpose for a job is to get a paycheck?

can i trust myself with wealth?

why am i still here in Idaho?  is this a punishment? 

I had many moments of wanting to run away when i first got back.

Even to this day I have had moments of wanting to flee...  

but weeks into getting back from Ethiopia, God quickly opened doors.

I believe He did this because He knew I was really lacking vision and needing something to keep me here.  He opened up a job for me - doing admin work for Thrux Lawrence, and thrusted me into a community of people at a local church, and gave me the opportunity to serve on a worship team. 

the whole summer I was here before I went to Africa, 

I didn't put any effort towards getting to know anyone.

building friendships were probably the last thing on my mind.  

however, now that i knew I was going to be here for a bit
-- i began to step outside myself to meet people.
I've been blessed with those I've gotten to know so far.  

Meet Rach and Jess - i've enjoyed getting to know these lovely women.  

As i wrestle with being in Idaho wondering what in the world God has for me here.  

It's cool to see that there are people up in the Northwest, who feel that God has called them here,

 they desire Jesus and live out Christianity practically.  

Rachel the dear friend to the left, is the worship leader at the church I am going to.

She is a strong young woman, extremely meek and HUMBLE, 

super teachable, anointed, very honest and raw, and probably one of the funniest ppl I have met.  

She's the type of person you wouldn't mind just having around all the time -- VERY enjoyable personality - feels like she could be my sister. 

I am confident that one of the main reasons God has me here is because He wanted me to know this sweet friend and support her as she holds the weight of being a worship leader for a big church. 

it's been soooooo fun serving along side her on her worship team.  

Jess, the lovely friend on the right is a God send.  

she has been consistent in being a friend to me.  

she understands the grace of God & the gospel probably more than most people I know.  

She's extremely passionate, and boldly stands for Truth, no matter the opinion of man 

- she hands downs has the qualities of a "faithful witness"

She has spurred me on to dig deep in the word to understand the Gospel. 

I can honestly say that crossing paths with her, God has used it to alter my life.  

Lord thank You for Jess.

as i am in the vein of talking about friends.

If you've followed my blog you'd probably realize by now this has been one of the most intense shaking years of my life, and there are a few friends who have been like a champion to me in this time of leaping into God's unknown plan for my life.  

ang, beth, mary & tiffy

i love you. 

your support has held up my arms so many times these past several months.

moments of confusion, passionate opinions, swirly wonders, & jaded outbursts...  

you were there to listen, to encourage, and to even tell me things I didn't want to hear.  

i'm blessed by your friendship.

I can say so much about each of you.  

you've challenged me to listen to God, and Him alone.

To search out Truth, and to press on when things got hard.

i'm forever GRATEFUL for you women.  my heart is warm as I think of you.

current status.

so as i reflect on this past year, 

it has had so many different seasons.

highs and lows, stretching and relaxing.

SO much surrendering.

Challenging my identity to the max.

Dealing with being jaded.

Learning to surrender but being willing to dream again...  

Learning to let God enjoy me.

Learning how God really designed me, being okay with having fun doing things other than just "ministry work" -- it's fun to buy and sell, to do interior design, to figure what leathers look good with what canvas for a backpacks etc...

Learning that who I am, is not what I do.

That my big ministry type extraordinary impact is not what God thinks is extraordinary.

Learning what the gospel truly means, and who I am truly am in Christ. 

Daring to ask questions about the bible, about my walk, about Christianity that I never have before.  

Learning to be  Christian in the normal mundane routine of life. 

I've had many moments of looking back and being mad at why things shifted in Colorado.

I've cried many tears of sadness, of anger, of confusion - feeling like God tricked me and that He was not letting me be a part of something I gave my blood sweat and tears for... 

Why did God shut the doors for the vision to happen in Colorado? 

But now, as I look back...  

I can say with an honest heart that I am actually thankful He shut those doors.

through what seemed so dramatic at the time, He thrusted me into a year that truly changed my life. 

I was going down a path of listening to everyone else's opinions about what God was doing on the earth, and what He had in store for me.   

rather than slowing down and listening to Him for myself,

and searching out the Bible for what He is describes and perscribes.

SIDE NOTE: 

This is one main thing I would encourage everyone to do.

To slow down and ask, 

"My ideas of Christianity, what God is doing on the earth, and who I am to Him, 

have I found these in the Word, do I know these things, and give myself to these things because they came from a place of listening to God, 

or is it all based on other people's teachings and convictions?"  

It's good to search it out yourself - I beckon you. 

Slow down, and search it out yourself. 

BACK TO PROCESSING.

I was busy strategizing on how to change the world, 

but all the while I wasn't paying attention to the people in the world.  

Though there were many things that were so positive, 

it took God to shut things down in front of me, to make me see the other side of things.   

the challenge for me is that what got shut down in CO, is now happening in KC.

It's easy for me to let it go if I try to come up with a reason why it could be unbiblical, or lopsided - and all those thoughts come mainly from being jaded.

But the fact is -- God has all sorts of streams...   

My friend Jess actually reminded me of this, and it was helpful. 

we are a body..  

there are those who are arms,

those who are legs, 

those who are fingers and toes...   

At this point, I am not functioning as a knee cap...  

I always thought I was a knee cap...  

So to be mad that I am not a knee cap, and to legitimize those feelings, 

and to help me let go of the idea of being a knee cap, 

I pretend that the knee cap isn't necessary...   

it's ridiculous...   

but if I accept that the knee cap IS necessary, 

it surfaces those emotions of wishing I was the knee cap, 

because I thought I was a knee cap...

and I wrestle with the idea that maybe I am not a knee cap, 

or maybe I'm not one right now?

But can God morph someone into a knee cap later? 

all that is a mystery to me, so that's one other thing I throw into His hands 

and say, I'll keep stepping forward and trusting You.

Right now i'll function like the elbow, hidden away behind this long sleeve shirt. 

letting go of something is easier when you have something else to grasp a hold of...   

but i have been in a time of letting go of something, and still figuring what I am to embrace. 

Life outside of a community of people all going the same direction is quite an interesting ride, 

and I am still trying to incline my ear to hear Him in it all..   

I know Jesus is my reason.  

But what does that really mean?

What does that make my life look like?

All I know is what I have heard others say.

And what I have read so far hasn't been concluded completely in my own understanding.

So each day I just do what I do... 

I spend time with Him, I read His Word, and I listen...

I have felt His kindness and patience over my life as I have journeyed on.

He prunes those who bear fruit.  

He is kindly coaching me and teaching me.

Through this year, I have realized more than ever how 

I have wanted to be a part of something worth while.  

Something big, something that would impact the globe.  

Yet, he has taken these past couple seasons and used them as a vehicle to show me what is important. 

I can sum it up in this quote i read from this book: 

"People who really want to make a difference in the world usually do it, in one way or another. And I've noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters! They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren't determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they're satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world." Katie Davis - Kisses From Katie

I want to to love and notice the people in front of me.

God help me to do this.  

Last december I would have had no grid for what God was going to invite me in to.

What He was going to surface in me, and the things He was going to teach me.

As I am here in Idaho.

I've had many moments of wanting to flee to the land of familiar.

You'd think that the land of familiar would be my hometown.

but it's not.

God has me tho.

and i want Him more than I want familiar.

I am wanting to not just choose this life.

I want to live this life. 

I want to learn to dream again, while I am here.

I have let my roots go down.

But I need to let them go down deeper.

To embrace the time I have here - however long that may be.

Not just tolerate it.  

I love Jesus, and I love His Word. 

I have more questions than answers right now.

I am so dreadfully systematic that I want to understand it all.

But I take each step, one by one.   

God teach me Your ways.

You are my Shepherd.

I shall not want.

You make me lay down in green pastures.

You lead me besides quiet waters.

You restore my soul. 

Jesus, You're leadership is so perfect over my life.

Thank you for this year. 

You're aggressive passion for my heart has smitten me.

I will never be the same. 

You're forming in me what I could never learn in a book or sermon.

Your ways are marvelous.  Though I cannot see two feet in front of me.

I trust You're surrounding me.  

As you have so kindly guided me in 2012. 

2013 is Yours as well, have Your way.

friends, I leave you with this.

Slow down, listen to God, search out the Scriptures.

and do as He says.

Amen.  

-court

Many Topics of good Swirl

it's been quite some time since i've blogged last.
much has taken place since i have come back from africa.
i won't go into all of it, but here are thoughts if i scan over the past 2 months.

VISION
i am thankful for God's clear leadership in my life.
though at times i felt i was losing vision (this was an intense reality for me to face as I realized that i depended much on my environment and community to keep the vision for me, rather than knowing it myself, or stirring myself up in it on a daily basis)..

as i realized this, i began to take on the responsibility that it is now I who has to cast the vision so i can keep the vision - which i don't know if that was the best way to posture my heart, because i put much weight on me, rather than looking to Jesus to help me...

HE IS PATIENT
as time went on though -- i would have moments where i was so frustrated with myself..
after watching a few hours of TV, going to bed and waking up the next morning - i would be so disappointing that i wasted so much of my time watching television...
i remember saying "Lord, I really do want to be Your friend..."  and i quickly heard Him say back to me "you ARE my friend..."

a few moments like this occurred, noticing that i was clearly being impatient with myself and God was oh so patient...   the analogy i use to explain goes like this:

it's like i am used to sprinting, really fast around a systematic track.
but now i am in the mountains, wearing those snow shoes that look like tennis rackets..
i feel like i should be sprinting, but I am just walking...  it's easy to expect more of myself, but i felt the Lord so kindly reminding me that He is patient with me, and understands that I am in a new environment and learning the swing of things..

time goes on...

WORK & CHURCH
being in idaho was interesting and uncomfortable to me.
i was lost, and wondering what in the world i was doing here.
i know God at least wanted me to stay until January...
so i trucked along, and there were moments of it being quite lonely...
all my community is in other states, and here I am, no friends, no church community, and no job...

but as time went on.
God opened up a part time job for me..
administrating for an high end fashion company - who designs essential menswear.
so that was an extreme blessing to have that open up...

I then had some friends from KC who were up here and they were leading worship at a church in this area...
they asked me to sing with them...

little did i realize God was about to plug me in somewhere.
i think the Lord knew the job that I had was probably not enough to keep me here...

so i went to sing at this church, and in the span of an hour it seemed like things fell right in my lap.
i know i desired to get involved with a church that had small groups - but really this church wasn't on my radar.. don't get me wrong, it was a cool church - but my attention was scoping out other churches.
but in a matter of moments, i was invited to come to worship team practices, and to a small group.


HE PRUNES THE BRANCHES
being invited to help with the worship team was sort of a challenge for me.
being that i had been in a season of rest, i instantly was excited, but then stopped and wondered if
God would want me to do it..    i had this fear that once again I was going to find identity in what I was doing ...   from this mindset it was revealed to me by the Holy Spirit that I have taken these past 8 months as a season of punishment... .  i found identity in what I did, so He was stripping me of all ministry to teach me a lesson...  but it then it was clear to me that He prunes those who bear fruit, in order for them to bear more fruit.. it wasn't punishment, it was actually Him saying "well done."

As i have gotten the chance to play and sing on the worship team, it's been sooooooo much fun...
i absolutely love serving in that capacity.

COMMUNITY

within a week, i met with a few gals who were extremely hospitable and friendly, and it seemed like God plugged me in instantly...   it's actually quite crazy how the doors just flung open in that way...  it seemed daunting for me to get plugged in somewhere, and i have heard stories of people having a hard time getting plugged into a tight community at a church...  so i think in His kindness, He just made it a bit easier for me, knowing that this season was already pretty intense for me...

on that note, in the past month and a half i have been developing some good friendships.
I am EXTREMELY thankful for the people He has crossed my path with, I feel so blessed to run with them.

time goes on..

THE TOPIC OF GRACE? 
as i began to make friends with a few of the gals here at the church.
i quickly realized their theology is COMPLETELY different than mine...
like COMPLETELY..

at first this would make me wanna run, but I almost felt like God set me up for this exact thing..
through hearing their hearts, and their views - I could say that we were like black and white...
we all of love Jesus, but things were being exposed in me that seemed to not fully line up with the gospel.

through the kindness of them listening as I spoke out my fears...
I realized much of my relationship with Jesus has been based on myself.
based on my ability to hold on to Him, to be intimate with Him, to be holy etc..

through these convos, and convos with a good friend in KC...  i began to dare to position my heart to have the Lord speak to me about grace..  usually I run from this topic, because I do not want to sin, and I want to be pleasing to Him, so to hear people talking about grace grace grace -- usually makes red flags flash in my mind.... thinking people use grace TO sin....

let me first claim, that I still have no clue what I am talking about in this arena.
i am not claiming one thing or the other -- I am mainly just saying that I am asking the Lord about all this, and reading through Paul's letters to discover for myself, rather than be afraid of the topic....

through the years I have done my best to know God..
I have guarded myself to be pure in all ways possible, striving to be godly...

all the while, if i was dead honest -- i have actually felt quite miserable on the inside.
though it seems that i have joy on the outside.
most times i felt like, and feel like i am disappointing God.
if i don't have a quiet time in the morning, i am absolutely miserable the rest of the day.

i finally had this thought --- maybe something is wrong???  maybe i have something way off?
I have so much fear that I will face God and realize there were depths to know Him, and that I didn't go to those depths....  I can see where I can be lazy in my life, and that laziness that hinders my ability to know Him is my worst enemy...  also, through all this, i also realized that i had, and still have this huge fear of sinning.  rather than saying yes to who I really am in Him, I tend to try to say no to what's really not me...

but then i see people who love God, live holy, and are full of peace and joy....
what am i missing here?

have i been striving for something that is already mine?
I have taught on this message many times...   trying so hard to get what Jesus has already given you...
but i think I am seriously stepping back and noticing that I don't believe the truths of what He has done, and offers us....

so anyway -- i still don't have things figured out, but hearing these friends and realizing how my heart has felt so burdened and heavy for the years - i finally have courage to face this topic and be open to learning what the Lord says about it in His word.

other thoughts...

WAITING
as of recently (today)...  i feel like i am in such a place of lingering and waiting..  like more than ever, i got so impatient with my current season...

today i so desperately wanted to pack up and move to place where I know would be easier (having a good consistent job, and a good consistent community).  but i knew if i picked up and moved, it would be at out of sheer reaction and not action...   it's very uncomfortable being in a place where things are still forming and becoming normal and consistent...   in the area of church, work and community.... all of these take time, and i can be choleric, and time is a roadblock to me....   it's like I wanna fly, but there isn't much wind to pick me up....i don't know when the winds are coming, and that's hard accept... i see winds in the other places (making it tempting for me to just flee to those locations)....  but as of now i have to EMBRACE (not tolerate) the seasons of waiting, knowing that as I wait, my wings are being strengthened so when the winds come, I'll soar...

that is all for now.

goodbye,
court