i've been feeling pretty antsy lately.
today especially.
i often times get these urges to just pick up an move away.
or want some drastic change in my life.
my dad said some interesting words to me today.
words i have never heard him say to me, because he has always been such an encouragement to work hard, and go after what i want, even if i need to knock some doors down.
but today... he told me "to wait....."
i am always in a place of wanting to switch my life around.
it's this constant discontentment.
i've wondered why i get this way, and it's never been concluded.
there are the obvious sunday school answers, but in the deep anxt, you never want to hear those.
i realize the drawing of the Lord saying to be satisfied in Him. ya ya i get that... but really.. do I?
more than in a job, in a community, in my "ministry assignment", in my house, my income... to be okay with or without... to just know He is my steady line. man it's been a journey to REALLY get this....
i was wrestling deeply with the Lord tonight, feeling like now is the time to take a big leap.. maybe move out of state or something.. no joke i even thought of falling off grid to live to the wilderness for a while (crazy i know).... anyway -- i tried to harness those thoughts and emotions in and gear them towards Jesus... with my dad's word resounding in my mind... as i pushed those desires towards Him i had this realization..
my whole adulthood, from 19-32... i have never lived anywhere for more than a year.. even though i lived in certain states for 2-6 years.. yet my actual living space was different each year.. i was constantly moving... to add to this, i have never had the same job for more than a year and a half (i know that makes me sound so crazy unreliable).. and though some of my jobs may have stayed the same, (back when i was a Resident Director at Teen Mania for a few years).. even this had a twist of change because I would get a whole new group of 30-50 women each year who I had to get to know quickly.. even that dynamic I can see set me up to being used to constant change. pouring my life out for a group of gals, they all leave, a new group comes in, start over... in and out, and in and out... new dorm, new work placement etc etc... then going to another ministry after those six years, where every few months there was a new group of people in your community, and a handful who left.. leases last six month, then you leave, then a new place... even coming home to Idaho and living here the past 3 years.. there has been constant change from where i live to what i do for work.... change has literally been the pattern of my life..
some people hate change..
i am pretty sure i thrive on it (when it's me making the decision).
so no wonder sticking around doing the same job for more than 6 months, or living in the same apartment for over a year drives me bonkers some times... I just realized... i have been living in this same apartment in downtown Coeur d'Alene longer than I ever have lived anywhere my whole life (well besides the house I grew up in before I moved away). not to say to move to another place would be wrong... but if i stay, i want to be okay...
To be okay with JUST Jesus... not hinge it on: what i do for work, what my position is at work, where i live, who my friends are, who i mentor, who mentors me, what my ministry is, what apartment i live in, how my worship set went, who likes me, who doesn't, what i am wearing, what i can afford, and what i cannot, if i get 10 likes on a picture, or 100, if people read my blog, or if people don't, if i am around people, if i am alone, being able to eat out and get dessert too, or having to eat cereal for the second time that day, having lots of money, or having none...
i think of Philippians 4:13 ... this verse is often used to amp us up in some sporting event or stretching physical activity (literally, i got that verse sewn on my lettermans jacket in high school haha..) but if we read the verses before he states this -- he was talking about being content in every season... Paul understood something about contentment... He understood that He couldn't do it it without God's help.. .
12 I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. 13 I can do all things [a]through Him who strengthens me.
So all that to say... i am deeply challenged.. and when i think I am doing good in this area, i realizes it goes even deeper. my prayer is - Lord, I need Your help to be okay with the sammeee thingggg everrryyyy dayyyyyyyyyyy...
amen.
today especially.
i often times get these urges to just pick up an move away.
or want some drastic change in my life.
my dad said some interesting words to me today.
words i have never heard him say to me, because he has always been such an encouragement to work hard, and go after what i want, even if i need to knock some doors down.
but today... he told me "to wait....."
i am always in a place of wanting to switch my life around.
it's this constant discontentment.
i've wondered why i get this way, and it's never been concluded.
there are the obvious sunday school answers, but in the deep anxt, you never want to hear those.
i realize the drawing of the Lord saying to be satisfied in Him. ya ya i get that... but really.. do I?
more than in a job, in a community, in my "ministry assignment", in my house, my income... to be okay with or without... to just know He is my steady line. man it's been a journey to REALLY get this....
i was wrestling deeply with the Lord tonight, feeling like now is the time to take a big leap.. maybe move out of state or something.. no joke i even thought of falling off grid to live to the wilderness for a while (crazy i know).... anyway -- i tried to harness those thoughts and emotions in and gear them towards Jesus... with my dad's word resounding in my mind... as i pushed those desires towards Him i had this realization..
my whole adulthood, from 19-32... i have never lived anywhere for more than a year.. even though i lived in certain states for 2-6 years.. yet my actual living space was different each year.. i was constantly moving... to add to this, i have never had the same job for more than a year and a half (i know that makes me sound so crazy unreliable).. and though some of my jobs may have stayed the same, (back when i was a Resident Director at Teen Mania for a few years).. even this had a twist of change because I would get a whole new group of 30-50 women each year who I had to get to know quickly.. even that dynamic I can see set me up to being used to constant change. pouring my life out for a group of gals, they all leave, a new group comes in, start over... in and out, and in and out... new dorm, new work placement etc etc... then going to another ministry after those six years, where every few months there was a new group of people in your community, and a handful who left.. leases last six month, then you leave, then a new place... even coming home to Idaho and living here the past 3 years.. there has been constant change from where i live to what i do for work.... change has literally been the pattern of my life..
some people hate change..
i am pretty sure i thrive on it (when it's me making the decision).
so no wonder sticking around doing the same job for more than 6 months, or living in the same apartment for over a year drives me bonkers some times... I just realized... i have been living in this same apartment in downtown Coeur d'Alene longer than I ever have lived anywhere my whole life (well besides the house I grew up in before I moved away). not to say to move to another place would be wrong... but if i stay, i want to be okay...
To be okay with JUST Jesus... not hinge it on: what i do for work, what my position is at work, where i live, who my friends are, who i mentor, who mentors me, what my ministry is, what apartment i live in, how my worship set went, who likes me, who doesn't, what i am wearing, what i can afford, and what i cannot, if i get 10 likes on a picture, or 100, if people read my blog, or if people don't, if i am around people, if i am alone, being able to eat out and get dessert too, or having to eat cereal for the second time that day, having lots of money, or having none...
i think of Philippians 4:13 ... this verse is often used to amp us up in some sporting event or stretching physical activity (literally, i got that verse sewn on my lettermans jacket in high school haha..) but if we read the verses before he states this -- he was talking about being content in every season... Paul understood something about contentment... He understood that He couldn't do it it without God's help.. .
12 I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. 13 I can do all things [a]through Him who strengthens me.
So all that to say... i am deeply challenged.. and when i think I am doing good in this area, i realizes it goes even deeper. my prayer is - Lord, I need Your help to be okay with the sammeee thingggg everrryyyy dayyyyyyyyyyy...
amen.
