goodbye 30 // lessons learned

closing of a chapter // goodbye 30

i remember when it happened people were asking me if i was okay. haha.

rather than feeling remorse about me not really having a career,

not being married + having children yet, 

(which are the main things 30 year old gals struggle with)  

i was actually surprisingly filled with a lot anticipation.  

excitement to start my adulthood.  

i know i know..  even though i had already lived 12 years of technical adulthood,

turning 30 felt like, the real deal.   

i remember pondering "what kind of woman do i want to be like?" 

it almost felt like a fresh start of life. 

with so much vision my year proceeded,

and let's just say - it didn't look anything like i would have every imagined it would.

it was actually the most humbling, dreadfully painful year of my life, 

but one that God used to show me His exceeding kindness towards me, His crazy mercy, and most of all His redemptive power. 

I'm not going to recap every detail of my whole year. 

I will just mention a few things, specifically recent thoughts. 

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

today at one of my jobs, my co worker asked me 

"what was the best part of your year this past year?"  I instantly knew.  

Something happened recently that pretty much altered my whole view on this last year..  

I wrote a short blog about it but didn't feel like it was good timing bec it was so fresh between me an the Lord, so I deleted it..   

but now I can share it.  

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

victory.

God is so awesome. 

He really is working in us.. sometimes only time will tell. 

recently I was going about my normal routine. 

and in a split second i was confronted with a situation that would have 

typically reeeeeeally discouraged me and thrown me off my rocker. 

these types of things can vary for each person. whether it's a demotion, 

confrontation, forgiveness, being embarrassed, being rejected, interacting 

with people who have hurt you, mistreatment, temptation, failing at a 

project. etc etc... 

though i wasn't completely absent of being shocked/impacted by the scenario. 

I still recognized that it didn't knock me out like it would have in the 

past, and it was then, I realized how FAR God has brought me.. 

it amazes me to see how the Lord reigns over everything. 

that even a situation where the enemy could have thrown fiery darts at my 

heart to wipe me out for the rest of the day(s). God took the situation to 

show me how much He has healed and matured me // showing me that the faith 

He has built up in me is stronger than those fiery darts. 

I know we are all humans and all have our crud. 

but i wanted to encourage you - 

God is working in you. 

as you are following Him, 

listening to Him, 

obeying Him, 

Surrendering and surrendering, 

He really is conforming you to the image of His Son. 

and even when you feel like you're failing, it's worth the fight to keep 

getting back up again and again.. 

know that He is making progress in you.. 

and what would typically sting, or grip you, bit by bit it will not faze you 

anymore because your faith will be stronger than the discouragement. 

amen, God is good! 

a friend of mine posted this. 

she drew this picture and it was seriously such a cool metaphor of God at 

work in our hearts. 

she captioned it "hey, God, what's that you're planting in there?" 

..."You'll see, my daughter, it's something good, I promise." 

amen. 

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

lessons // ashes to beauty.

shame is constantly repeating a scenario(s) in your mind // ones that God has already forgiven & forgotten yet you remember, accuse and condemn yourself about it over and over again.

The Lord's redemption is something we cannot obtain on our own. The process of turning ashes into beauty is a leap of faith that gives no grip to your control // you are strictly at the mercy of His resurrection power to make things new (which is the best news because this power is the ONLY power that can change not just your actions but also your thoughts and emotions). 

If you've screwed up, and the enemy tries to remind you of such, trust Him and His works more than your own. If you've given it to Him and repented, He is now the one not just in the business of just taking that sin and washing you clean, but turning that whole scenario, as crazy as it sounds - into something beautiful. 

And typically, the beautiful thing isn't a scenery change it's a perspective change. Your heart changes, and all you can do is be in awe of HIM and His kindness towards us. 

amen.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

lessons // I am at His mercy.

i have never been in a place.  ever. 

where i was at the mercy of God taking my complete selfishness and not counting it against me.
I've lived so strictly, trying to do everything right.  
and well, the first half of the 30th year of my life 

I chose myself.
and i hurt people in the process 
*there is seriously nothing worse than deeply hurting another person.

the second half of my 30th year was surrendering control of my mistakes,
knowing I couldn't fix them, and asking God to redeem them.
and I am a testimony that God can take a situation that is so crappy (pardon my language) and reveal Himself as so so so strong, and so ridiculously kind.
not just changing your actions, but even your pain into gratitude.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

lessons // why do i feel that way?

i had a friend confront me in january about how i was always so sad all the time.
at first i took offense to this but then realized that it was true.
i was always taking on a certain emotion whether sadness or anxiety and pretty much always accepting it as my portion.

i had another friend talk to me about how demons speak in first person.
sometimes we think it's us who are having these thoughts, but they are actually lying spirits we are believing.

sometimes we can even get addicted to those emotions because feel them all the time.
they are our norm.  and to get over those addictions, it takes effort.  you can feel happy one day and think you have victory but then feel sad the next.  it's a constant renewing of the mind.  it takes 30 days to get over an addiction (scientist say), can God heal you in a moment?  probably - but a lot of it is believing the Truth, and that take working the muscle of faith..

however after my friend chatted with me about this,
she gave me these tips that changed my life.

first when the sadness came (or whatever the feeling your'e having came, that didn't seem of God).
rather than accepting it as your portion, to quickly dialogue with God about it.

1. God take this negative emotion away
if it doesn't go away then ask.

2. God is there some sort of wound in my heart that is causing this feeling to come up?  Show it to me (sometimes something may have happened in your day that pricked a deeper wound in you).  It's like listening to old music, or smelling a familiar smell and it takes you right back to those feelings.
ask Him to heal that wound, and speak truth over that lie that you may have believed (lots of times wounds come from lies believed about our identity due to situations that happened).

if the feeling is still there, then ask,

3. God do i have any sort of unforgiveness or offense in me?  in matt 18 it has the parable of the man who didn't forgive and he was sent to the tormentors.  in the same way if we have unforgiveness or bitterness or offense harboring in us, often times we feel in torment.  we must repent of that offense, and forgive from the heart (go to that place, feel the offense (so it's from your heart) and in humility, not count it against the one who wronged you).

if the feeling is still there, then it's likely a demon and you need to rebuke it in Jesus name.

life is warfare.
demons want to destroy us.
we are in a battle and we need to hold up that shield of faith
and use the Word of God / the sword of the Spirit.

it's productive to dialogue with God about things, and not so easily accept them as our portion.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

lessons // ask more questions.

this may seem humorous that i am saying this right after i just shared the above..
but here is another thing I learned.

i've also learned a lot about mentoring/coaching.
specifically one class i sat in this past year and it shattered a lot of my thinking.

coaching is a lot of question asking.
mentoring is when people to ask you to teach them specific things so it's okay to lay out some points for them to chew on.

most times we are in coaching scenarios not so much mentoring ones.

i don't want to be so much of a person telling people what they need to do or what they need to believe in regards to the bible, what the best steps to take in their specific season should look like,
or even what their calling is.

i tend to do that a lot.
and i don't want to do that anymore.

obviously i can encourage people, but i want to learn to ask more questions.
because when the people we meet can come up with their thoughts on their own, it will stick better.
not being so quick to tell people the answer.
coaching them through finding the answer rather than just giving it to them.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

learning // grace.

i am also learning a lot about grace,
most of you know (if you're in my immediate sphere)
that i have been wrestling with this idea of grace and works for about a year and a half now.
constantly reading the epistles trying to understand it.

as i was talking to my sister mary the other day about life, and our journey in God.
stuff was coming out of my mouth that surprised me..

i am beginning to see how the gospel is changing me.
causing me to just breath and live rather than always thinking how I should be living.
learning to not so quickly submit myself to a method or law.
but to hope in Christ more than my own efforts.
this is still a very stretching, and fresh process for me,
but it's one that I think His word is finally penetrating my heart.
and i pray that it continues to, until every religious bone in my body is shattered.

Romans 5 is actually the chapter I have been baffled by the most.
I chew on it a lot.  and it's implications are mind blowing.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

closing // thank you to friends. 

this isn't very typical of me to do on a blog,
but when i think of this last year I also think of all the people I journeyed it with. 

some were just a sheer delight to me, 
others were a tool of God sharply warning me.
other's just being such an encouragement to continue pressing on.  
I want to thank you:

mary gorman - my sis, you were there for me to cry with.  i bawled my eyes out with you.  you had more empathy for me that i could ever muster up for any human.

angela baird - you've always been a champion to me.  though you live 2000 miles away, our bi-weekly / monthly phone calls always encouraged me.  thank you as well for challenging me that one night in November.  you laid it out clear that God was calling me to draw a line in the sand  "Choose this day whom you will serve."

Sidney Launder - you saved my life.  i'll never forget that night you came to my church on September 5th, and kindly gave me the strongest warning/ confrontation straight from God I have ever heard.  Thank you for your obedience. 

Jess Taranto - you are an example that God is at work all over the earth.  Your sincerity for the Lord inspires me.  You constantly preached Jesus to me this past year.  Even challenging me to believe in His love in my darkest hours.  Thank you for being a friend I can talk with and pray with.  I am grateful for your persistence and support.

Kata Wilmotte - thank you for speaking into my life.  though i didn't listen to you when you did, you supported me after i had to pick up the pieces.  

Tiffy Valdez - thank for always being there for me to bounce my ideas off you.  and encouraging me in the midst of winter, that spring will come.  and it did. praise Jesus.  Also thank you for your grace with me - (Ricky you're included here).. I love you two like family.  Thank you for being willing to fight for our friendship in hard times.  

Rachel and Mike Shamberg - thanks for going on dates with me...  also opening your home for our small group to be so so vulnerable with each other.  that community group has impacted my life.  Rach, thanks for being a listening ear, and being so compassionate and understanding..  and thanks for not closing your heart off to me though there were many times I was very blunt and insensitive, thanks for being always willing to talk it out...  really, you make my life more fun.  you're a like a sister to me. Mike, we have also learned a lot as we have journeyed together in ministry, thanks for sticking with it and being my friend though I can be hard headed sometimes.  Also I think you're hilarious, love spending time with you guys. 

Chuck and Camille - your sincere tenderness and support of me has blessed me so much - i know that's a short line, but i really really mean that, i genuinely feel loved, believed in, and appreciated by you guys...

Annie and Phil Siemens -  you guys are rad. the timing that God brought you into my life was impeccable.  I so enjoyed the late night chats, the walks, the adventures you brought me on.  You added a lot of life to this year.  Thank you. 

Maddi Mularski  - you my friend, were a God send.  i loved our walks, our talks, or walks with no talking..  You were truly a gift during that 3 month winter season.  God is kind. 

Corinne Van Ostrand - i know i have only known you for a few months now, but thank you for loving Jesus so much.  You've been a breath of fresh air to me these past few month.  i feel like an old woman wrinkled by life, and you are like a bird who has been soaring for years, but each day seems like your first flight - full of adventure/ anticipation / expectancy.  Your willingness to be used by God in your daily ordinary life challenges me.

Chris and Heather Lauri - thank you for sticking it through with me - my moments of immaturity, were moments of opportunity in your guys' eyes.  thank you for your grace.  Chris, it's been an honor being your assistant so far, your humility and patient leadership with our church has challenged me to be a better leader.  i've learned a lot by watching your journey. and i think you are seriously so hilarious, thanks for being so fun.  heather - thank you for all your encouragement, and cheering me on, and really, i love how real you are, thanks for letting me hear your heart this past year.  It's always a privilege. 

Toby Keough and Sean Keough - thank you for letting me live with you guys.  i know the Lord set that up so divinely to bring healing to my heart.  Toby you are incredible friend.  You seriously saw me in my most wits end.  When I was so confused in God, and so full of pain.  You were there to just listen and encourage me.  I am grateful that you reached out to be my friend.  Sean, your like a bro I never had, thanks for being so kind a loving and fun!

Dad - I love you, thank you for being someone I can talk with, always believing in me.  You supported me so so so much this past year. 

Cari Canale - you are such a steady friend.  i processed so much with you when I was wresting with grace..  and learning to surrender my methods..  i loved our walks, and long talks..  you made up some of the sweet memories of my year.  and you're hands down the best roomy anyone could ever have.

Darlene Canale, and the rest of the Canale crew -- you guys have been such a joy to me.  i feel so blessed to have gotten to know you the past few months.  sitting at your house, eating dinner, talking theology, or about the weirdest oddest things has been a gift to my heart.  I love you guys

Sandy Wild - thank you for being so aware of me in the office, taking me for lunch when i felt stressed, and listening to my challenges, as well as my victories.  you sure are an encouragement, one that people can be totally raw with and still feel like a million bucks

there are probably a million other people, but I am getting sleepy..
so i'm bringing this to a close now.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

future. 

that's all i want to cover for this past year.
those are the most pivotal things.

God really changed my life this year.
Lord I give you year 31, you hold my breath, and my heart.
You've done an excellent job so far,
and I am so thankful for You and Your dedication to me.

You are truly great.