pondering a year.

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changed my life. 

i would have never expected this year would contain what it did.

it's interesting looking back a year ago.

i was home in idaho for Christmas break, as usual.

vamping up to go back home to colorado springs.

the place i thought i'd probably be forever.

the place where I was giving myself to a certain dream that I would die for.

the vision that we would partner with Jesus to be adored in every tribe tongue and nation.

i burned with it, and thought i'd be forerunning this movement unto He split the sky to return to His singing Bride. 

however, a few months into 2012, 

things drastically changed.  

and I was needing to make some big decisions.

I felt such a clear invite from Jesus to take some faith fill steps.

to go the opposite direction of the dream.  

I listened to Him, trusting that He would cause everything to work out.  

I didn't realize that His timing of "working things out" were so painfully slow.  

They looked nothing like I thought they would.

I trusted Him though, knowing He knew best. 

my whole Christian walk 

I have always felt like I would do something that seemed big in my own eyes.

whatever that may be,

preaching to the multitudes, 

leading worship in stadiums and a people encountering His presence like never before...   

leading an army with courage in the end of the age..  

to be the point of the arrow in the end time worship movement..   

I feel like God has taken this year to shake my paradigm of what is "big" to Him. 

now i sit here.  back in idaho.  

it being my official home now 

which that in itself, I would have NEVER imagined would ever happen in a million years.   

i wake up every day - with not much of an agenda.

i no longer have any programs to develop, 

people to lead in worship,

departments to manage, 

or movement to give myself to.

i get ready, 

make my aero press coffee, 

sit on the side of my bed, with the space heater on my feet.

coffee in hand with a soft blanket.

i look out the window, 

read the bible slowly, 

and posture myself to understand Christianity through the Word.  

i close my eyes and aim my heart towards Jesus...  

then pick up and head to work, or to a meeting.

my job is no longer to strategize how to train a people to be sent to the nations,

or to facilitate an end times worship movement..   

but i am now strategizing on things like how to make a promo video for a high end men's line called Thrux Lawrence that designs and sells a backpack, pant and belt..   

i send emails to designers, and I order stamps that cater to expressing sizes on hangtags that label denim attire.  I give input on what leather matches what canvas, and what type of buttons should close up the fly of a hickory striped pant.  yep this is what i do.  

wow, Jesus, in 2012, You drastically shifted things. 

there was a lot that happened between last year and this very moment.  

as many of you know if you've read my earlier posts - so i'll spare you any lengthy repetition...

a little Recap. 

Picked up and moved away from Colorado. good bye my dear comrades. 

flew to San Diego, stayed 5 weeks with some of my best friends - Ricky & Tiffy.

Lots of eating, watching shows online, and good talks about Jesus, surrendering dreams.

booked a ticket to Idaho to visit my family.

thinking i'd be here for one month - but as time went on He kept telling me to stay.

this summer was much needed time of solitude.  

listening to Jesus.  

reading His Word with fresh eyes. 

and learning to surrender my ideas of ministry to Him. 

spending time with my family.

My identity being tested.

Surrendering ministry to God - He wanted me to learn who I was apart from working for a ministry.

Giving myself time to breathe and realize what I really enjoy doing -- which I discovered, i LOVE business, and design.  

This time of quieting my heart was so refreshing, yet stretching.

As time went on. I decided that I'd stay through the whole summer, then after that, move back to Colorado. He sure had a different idea. 

Summer was closing and I met a couple - Mark and Sidney Launder 

who were missionaries from Africa.  I thought I was moving to CO,

but I soon found myself purchasing a ticket to 

Ethiopia.

I spent five weeks across the world, living in the midst of poverty and dirt.

this was one of the most stretching, eye opening experiences for me.

learning how much i deal with control.

how much I really love people.

and what is important to God. 

I am so glad I went on this trip. 

I then flew back to Idaho

I still didn't feel the release to move away from this place.

so I set it in my heart that I would only stay until January.

it was an abrupt culture shock coming back from Africa to Idaho.

It felt like the rubber was hitting the road.

my season of solitude was over, and now what am I to do?

how do you live normal life and keep Jesus as your vision?

how do you not let money become a focus when your purpose for a job is to get a paycheck?

can i trust myself with wealth?

why am i still here in Idaho?  is this a punishment? 

I had many moments of wanting to run away when i first got back.

Even to this day I have had moments of wanting to flee...  

but weeks into getting back from Ethiopia, God quickly opened doors.

I believe He did this because He knew I was really lacking vision and needing something to keep me here.  He opened up a job for me - doing admin work for Thrux Lawrence, and thrusted me into a community of people at a local church, and gave me the opportunity to serve on a worship team. 

the whole summer I was here before I went to Africa, 

I didn't put any effort towards getting to know anyone.

building friendships were probably the last thing on my mind.  

however, now that i knew I was going to be here for a bit
-- i began to step outside myself to meet people.
I've been blessed with those I've gotten to know so far.  

Meet Rach and Jess - i've enjoyed getting to know these lovely women.  

As i wrestle with being in Idaho wondering what in the world God has for me here.  

It's cool to see that there are people up in the Northwest, who feel that God has called them here,

 they desire Jesus and live out Christianity practically.  

Rachel the dear friend to the left, is the worship leader at the church I am going to.

She is a strong young woman, extremely meek and HUMBLE, 

super teachable, anointed, very honest and raw, and probably one of the funniest ppl I have met.  

She's the type of person you wouldn't mind just having around all the time -- VERY enjoyable personality - feels like she could be my sister. 

I am confident that one of the main reasons God has me here is because He wanted me to know this sweet friend and support her as she holds the weight of being a worship leader for a big church. 

it's been soooooo fun serving along side her on her worship team.  

Jess, the lovely friend on the right is a God send.  

she has been consistent in being a friend to me.  

she understands the grace of God & the gospel probably more than most people I know.  

She's extremely passionate, and boldly stands for Truth, no matter the opinion of man 

- she hands downs has the qualities of a "faithful witness"

She has spurred me on to dig deep in the word to understand the Gospel. 

I can honestly say that crossing paths with her, God has used it to alter my life.  

Lord thank You for Jess.

as i am in the vein of talking about friends.

If you've followed my blog you'd probably realize by now this has been one of the most intense shaking years of my life, and there are a few friends who have been like a champion to me in this time of leaping into God's unknown plan for my life.  

ang, beth, mary & tiffy

i love you. 

your support has held up my arms so many times these past several months.

moments of confusion, passionate opinions, swirly wonders, & jaded outbursts...  

you were there to listen, to encourage, and to even tell me things I didn't want to hear.  

i'm blessed by your friendship.

I can say so much about each of you.  

you've challenged me to listen to God, and Him alone.

To search out Truth, and to press on when things got hard.

i'm forever GRATEFUL for you women.  my heart is warm as I think of you.

current status.

so as i reflect on this past year, 

it has had so many different seasons.

highs and lows, stretching and relaxing.

SO much surrendering.

Challenging my identity to the max.

Dealing with being jaded.

Learning to surrender but being willing to dream again...  

Learning to let God enjoy me.

Learning how God really designed me, being okay with having fun doing things other than just "ministry work" -- it's fun to buy and sell, to do interior design, to figure what leathers look good with what canvas for a backpacks etc...

Learning that who I am, is not what I do.

That my big ministry type extraordinary impact is not what God thinks is extraordinary.

Learning what the gospel truly means, and who I am truly am in Christ. 

Daring to ask questions about the bible, about my walk, about Christianity that I never have before.  

Learning to be  Christian in the normal mundane routine of life. 

I've had many moments of looking back and being mad at why things shifted in Colorado.

I've cried many tears of sadness, of anger, of confusion - feeling like God tricked me and that He was not letting me be a part of something I gave my blood sweat and tears for... 

Why did God shut the doors for the vision to happen in Colorado? 

But now, as I look back...  

I can say with an honest heart that I am actually thankful He shut those doors.

through what seemed so dramatic at the time, He thrusted me into a year that truly changed my life. 

I was going down a path of listening to everyone else's opinions about what God was doing on the earth, and what He had in store for me.   

rather than slowing down and listening to Him for myself,

and searching out the Bible for what He is describes and perscribes.

SIDE NOTE: 

This is one main thing I would encourage everyone to do.

To slow down and ask, 

"My ideas of Christianity, what God is doing on the earth, and who I am to Him, 

have I found these in the Word, do I know these things, and give myself to these things because they came from a place of listening to God, 

or is it all based on other people's teachings and convictions?"  

It's good to search it out yourself - I beckon you. 

Slow down, and search it out yourself. 

BACK TO PROCESSING.

I was busy strategizing on how to change the world, 

but all the while I wasn't paying attention to the people in the world.  

Though there were many things that were so positive, 

it took God to shut things down in front of me, to make me see the other side of things.   

the challenge for me is that what got shut down in CO, is now happening in KC.

It's easy for me to let it go if I try to come up with a reason why it could be unbiblical, or lopsided - and all those thoughts come mainly from being jaded.

But the fact is -- God has all sorts of streams...   

My friend Jess actually reminded me of this, and it was helpful. 

we are a body..  

there are those who are arms,

those who are legs, 

those who are fingers and toes...   

At this point, I am not functioning as a knee cap...  

I always thought I was a knee cap...  

So to be mad that I am not a knee cap, and to legitimize those feelings, 

and to help me let go of the idea of being a knee cap, 

I pretend that the knee cap isn't necessary...   

it's ridiculous...   

but if I accept that the knee cap IS necessary, 

it surfaces those emotions of wishing I was the knee cap, 

because I thought I was a knee cap...

and I wrestle with the idea that maybe I am not a knee cap, 

or maybe I'm not one right now?

But can God morph someone into a knee cap later? 

all that is a mystery to me, so that's one other thing I throw into His hands 

and say, I'll keep stepping forward and trusting You.

Right now i'll function like the elbow, hidden away behind this long sleeve shirt. 

letting go of something is easier when you have something else to grasp a hold of...   

but i have been in a time of letting go of something, and still figuring what I am to embrace. 

Life outside of a community of people all going the same direction is quite an interesting ride, 

and I am still trying to incline my ear to hear Him in it all..   

I know Jesus is my reason.  

But what does that really mean?

What does that make my life look like?

All I know is what I have heard others say.

And what I have read so far hasn't been concluded completely in my own understanding.

So each day I just do what I do... 

I spend time with Him, I read His Word, and I listen...

I have felt His kindness and patience over my life as I have journeyed on.

He prunes those who bear fruit.  

He is kindly coaching me and teaching me.

Through this year, I have realized more than ever how 

I have wanted to be a part of something worth while.  

Something big, something that would impact the globe.  

Yet, he has taken these past couple seasons and used them as a vehicle to show me what is important. 

I can sum it up in this quote i read from this book: 

"People who really want to make a difference in the world usually do it, in one way or another. And I've noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters! They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren't determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they're satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world." Katie Davis - Kisses From Katie

I want to to love and notice the people in front of me.

God help me to do this.  

Last december I would have had no grid for what God was going to invite me in to.

What He was going to surface in me, and the things He was going to teach me.

As I am here in Idaho.

I've had many moments of wanting to flee to the land of familiar.

You'd think that the land of familiar would be my hometown.

but it's not.

God has me tho.

and i want Him more than I want familiar.

I am wanting to not just choose this life.

I want to live this life. 

I want to learn to dream again, while I am here.

I have let my roots go down.

But I need to let them go down deeper.

To embrace the time I have here - however long that may be.

Not just tolerate it.  

I love Jesus, and I love His Word. 

I have more questions than answers right now.

I am so dreadfully systematic that I want to understand it all.

But I take each step, one by one.   

God teach me Your ways.

You are my Shepherd.

I shall not want.

You make me lay down in green pastures.

You lead me besides quiet waters.

You restore my soul. 

Jesus, You're leadership is so perfect over my life.

Thank you for this year. 

You're aggressive passion for my heart has smitten me.

I will never be the same. 

You're forming in me what I could never learn in a book or sermon.

Your ways are marvelous.  Though I cannot see two feet in front of me.

I trust You're surrounding me.  

As you have so kindly guided me in 2012. 

2013 is Yours as well, have Your way.

friends, I leave you with this.

Slow down, listen to God, search out the Scriptures.

and do as He says.

Amen.  

-court

Many Topics of good Swirl

it's been quite some time since i've blogged last.
much has taken place since i have come back from africa.
i won't go into all of it, but here are thoughts if i scan over the past 2 months.

VISION
i am thankful for God's clear leadership in my life.
though at times i felt i was losing vision (this was an intense reality for me to face as I realized that i depended much on my environment and community to keep the vision for me, rather than knowing it myself, or stirring myself up in it on a daily basis)..

as i realized this, i began to take on the responsibility that it is now I who has to cast the vision so i can keep the vision - which i don't know if that was the best way to posture my heart, because i put much weight on me, rather than looking to Jesus to help me...

HE IS PATIENT
as time went on though -- i would have moments where i was so frustrated with myself..
after watching a few hours of TV, going to bed and waking up the next morning - i would be so disappointing that i wasted so much of my time watching television...
i remember saying "Lord, I really do want to be Your friend..."  and i quickly heard Him say back to me "you ARE my friend..."

a few moments like this occurred, noticing that i was clearly being impatient with myself and God was oh so patient...   the analogy i use to explain goes like this:

it's like i am used to sprinting, really fast around a systematic track.
but now i am in the mountains, wearing those snow shoes that look like tennis rackets..
i feel like i should be sprinting, but I am just walking...  it's easy to expect more of myself, but i felt the Lord so kindly reminding me that He is patient with me, and understands that I am in a new environment and learning the swing of things..

time goes on...

WORK & CHURCH
being in idaho was interesting and uncomfortable to me.
i was lost, and wondering what in the world i was doing here.
i know God at least wanted me to stay until January...
so i trucked along, and there were moments of it being quite lonely...
all my community is in other states, and here I am, no friends, no church community, and no job...

but as time went on.
God opened up a part time job for me..
administrating for an high end fashion company - who designs essential menswear.
so that was an extreme blessing to have that open up...

I then had some friends from KC who were up here and they were leading worship at a church in this area...
they asked me to sing with them...

little did i realize God was about to plug me in somewhere.
i think the Lord knew the job that I had was probably not enough to keep me here...

so i went to sing at this church, and in the span of an hour it seemed like things fell right in my lap.
i know i desired to get involved with a church that had small groups - but really this church wasn't on my radar.. don't get me wrong, it was a cool church - but my attention was scoping out other churches.
but in a matter of moments, i was invited to come to worship team practices, and to a small group.


HE PRUNES THE BRANCHES
being invited to help with the worship team was sort of a challenge for me.
being that i had been in a season of rest, i instantly was excited, but then stopped and wondered if
God would want me to do it..    i had this fear that once again I was going to find identity in what I was doing ...   from this mindset it was revealed to me by the Holy Spirit that I have taken these past 8 months as a season of punishment... .  i found identity in what I did, so He was stripping me of all ministry to teach me a lesson...  but it then it was clear to me that He prunes those who bear fruit, in order for them to bear more fruit.. it wasn't punishment, it was actually Him saying "well done."

As i have gotten the chance to play and sing on the worship team, it's been sooooooo much fun...
i absolutely love serving in that capacity.

COMMUNITY

within a week, i met with a few gals who were extremely hospitable and friendly, and it seemed like God plugged me in instantly...   it's actually quite crazy how the doors just flung open in that way...  it seemed daunting for me to get plugged in somewhere, and i have heard stories of people having a hard time getting plugged into a tight community at a church...  so i think in His kindness, He just made it a bit easier for me, knowing that this season was already pretty intense for me...

on that note, in the past month and a half i have been developing some good friendships.
I am EXTREMELY thankful for the people He has crossed my path with, I feel so blessed to run with them.

time goes on..

THE TOPIC OF GRACE? 
as i began to make friends with a few of the gals here at the church.
i quickly realized their theology is COMPLETELY different than mine...
like COMPLETELY..

at first this would make me wanna run, but I almost felt like God set me up for this exact thing..
through hearing their hearts, and their views - I could say that we were like black and white...
we all of love Jesus, but things were being exposed in me that seemed to not fully line up with the gospel.

through the kindness of them listening as I spoke out my fears...
I realized much of my relationship with Jesus has been based on myself.
based on my ability to hold on to Him, to be intimate with Him, to be holy etc..

through these convos, and convos with a good friend in KC...  i began to dare to position my heart to have the Lord speak to me about grace..  usually I run from this topic, because I do not want to sin, and I want to be pleasing to Him, so to hear people talking about grace grace grace -- usually makes red flags flash in my mind.... thinking people use grace TO sin....

let me first claim, that I still have no clue what I am talking about in this arena.
i am not claiming one thing or the other -- I am mainly just saying that I am asking the Lord about all this, and reading through Paul's letters to discover for myself, rather than be afraid of the topic....

through the years I have done my best to know God..
I have guarded myself to be pure in all ways possible, striving to be godly...

all the while, if i was dead honest -- i have actually felt quite miserable on the inside.
though it seems that i have joy on the outside.
most times i felt like, and feel like i am disappointing God.
if i don't have a quiet time in the morning, i am absolutely miserable the rest of the day.

i finally had this thought --- maybe something is wrong???  maybe i have something way off?
I have so much fear that I will face God and realize there were depths to know Him, and that I didn't go to those depths....  I can see where I can be lazy in my life, and that laziness that hinders my ability to know Him is my worst enemy...  also, through all this, i also realized that i had, and still have this huge fear of sinning.  rather than saying yes to who I really am in Him, I tend to try to say no to what's really not me...

but then i see people who love God, live holy, and are full of peace and joy....
what am i missing here?

have i been striving for something that is already mine?
I have taught on this message many times...   trying so hard to get what Jesus has already given you...
but i think I am seriously stepping back and noticing that I don't believe the truths of what He has done, and offers us....

so anyway -- i still don't have things figured out, but hearing these friends and realizing how my heart has felt so burdened and heavy for the years - i finally have courage to face this topic and be open to learning what the Lord says about it in His word.

other thoughts...

WAITING
as of recently (today)...  i feel like i am in such a place of lingering and waiting..  like more than ever, i got so impatient with my current season...

today i so desperately wanted to pack up and move to place where I know would be easier (having a good consistent job, and a good consistent community).  but i knew if i picked up and moved, it would be at out of sheer reaction and not action...   it's very uncomfortable being in a place where things are still forming and becoming normal and consistent...   in the area of church, work and community.... all of these take time, and i can be choleric, and time is a roadblock to me....   it's like I wanna fly, but there isn't much wind to pick me up....i don't know when the winds are coming, and that's hard accept... i see winds in the other places (making it tempting for me to just flee to those locations)....  but as of now i have to EMBRACE (not tolerate) the seasons of waiting, knowing that as I wait, my wings are being strengthened so when the winds come, I'll soar...

that is all for now.

goodbye,
court