i was overlooking at the lake and mountains today at a fancy restaurant (my little sis took me out for dessert). and i was just pondering the last year. wow. i would have never imagined i'd be where I am right now. so much has happened.
dreaming up programs, hundreds of hours of worship, making spreadsheets, planning initiatives, executing organizational structures, hours and hours of meetings on how to take over the world with worship and prayer, hosting an event with people from all over the globe who oversee the evangelization for over half the nations of the planet, new friendships started, others deepened, hard conversations had, laughter with friends, weakness realized, facing that weakness, grace being received, risking to love, believing they love, receiving love, dreaming, doubting, being encouraged to continue to dream, rocky times, dreams fading, questions came, more questions came, rumbles of change under the surface, Jesus was my sound board, change began, questions continued, prayers feeling unanswered, realizing they were being answered, invitation to rest, taking the leap, leaving familiar, learning to surrender, learning His ways are higher, trusting Him, learning that my purpose is not what i do, a time of discovery, abiding, and reality.
wake up and live.
i have blogged my journey so far. here is what i have realized recently.
it has been a little over a month of me being here in idaho.
a few days before that month mark i was really going back and forth on where God wanted me to be next. i was stressed out because of my own frustrations but also didn't want to seem indecisive to other's who may be effected by my decisions.
the day that marked my one month in idaho... i woke up feeling expectant that He would speak to me. not necessarily a word saying where to go next, just expectant..
i went to a coffee shop and sat there... sipping my drink and looked up and saw the coffee shop sign and there was a tag line above it that was backwards because it was facing outward towards the road... and it said "wake up a live." i stared at it and felt like the Lord was trying to tell me something through this.
later on i had realized a few things...
if you know me at all, you know that i don't like messing up. i want to please God and I don't want to be somewhere He doesn't want me to be. i've often said "i just want to do what He wants me to do..." and i usually burst this out of my mouth when i feel like i am in a swirl of not knowing what He is saying and just wanting it to be as easy as a yes/no answer from Him..... but i ask, and I hear nothing.... so i risk to make a decision but then i fear that i'm making the wrong one.. .
what do you wanna do?
i had a friend bring an analogy to my attention as I was overflowing with these thoughts... the analogy of the father who brings the son to the ice cream shop...
father: "son, get your favorite flavor.."
son: "father, what do you want me to have?"
father: "son, you can have whatever you'd like."
son: "but father, what is the flavor that you'd prefer me to have?"
it almost sounds quite ridiculous... the father is trying to bless the son, and the son is getting so wrapped up in pleasing the father that they are not able to receive the blessing from the father... they don't realize that the father takes pleasure in the son taking pleasure in what the son likes.
could God be letting me choose where I want to go? - this idea kinda scares me.... however to even know how to choose i think the next thing needed to be brought to light...
who am I?
i then realized that i have been straining in my mind and heart to find answers... but i have been asking the wrong questions.. i've been asking "WHERE?? WHAT??" but really it's a season of "WHO?" who is courtney? what do i like to do? how did God design me and what did HE intend when He knitted me together in my mother's womb?
i have come to realize some things, now that i have separated myself from my usual routine that i've had for the past decade. there are some things i use to do that i genuinely enjoy, but some other things that i actually don't enjoy at all.. they were just things i was good at and it seemed fitting for the vision needing to be practically fulfilled.. (ps. I am speaking of things I did in regards to ministry and service, not biblical commands and disciplines)... realizing this was actually quite enlightening, freeing, and a relief....
from this i began to feel a trickle of life on the inside... excited to discover with Him who I really am and what I really enjoy doing. this can be a thin line though. some may then go way on the other side of scale and just tell you to "go discover who you are.." and they try to do it completely separate from God... this to me is lifeless, humanistic, and dangerous. i am actually talking about abiding in Him, and living out this journey with Him.. apart from Him... there is no life.
enjoy me.
it's a new reality for me to think of Him gazing through the lattice like in song of songs 2. He isn't necessarily asking me to "arise" at this point -- He is just watching me and enjoying me... taking pleasure in my existence.. it's more natural for me to ask God what He thinks of me when I am actually doing my devotions or worshipping Him.. and in those moments it's a hard to believe that He enjoys me.. but even more so.. it doesn't even cross my mind to say "enjoy me God.." while I am driving in the car... or when I am editing a picture for people to see, or when I am cooking a meal...
i want to learn to do this more.. i want to let Him love me in all aspects of my life.. i want to live my life with Him.
there are things I like to do, and He loves when I do them. (i have yet to truly understand this)..
it's just like in the movie chariots of fire when that guy says "i feel God's pleasure when I run..." i want to learn how to not be so quick to define things as holy and unholy and know that God loves when I worship Him with my guitar, but He also loves it when I paint a picture or come up with the next business idea... He takes pleasure in me as i walk out in the gifting He has given me. (again to make it very clear, i am not talking about finding pleasure in things that are sinful... people can begin to go down some slippery slopes as they compromise and lose their communion with the Lord and begin to stray from His Word).
i want to begin to ask Him and journey with Him on who He has created me to be, and what He really created me to do.... maybe i'll end up being a graphic designer, or maybe a gourmet chef, or a business woman, or a teacher, or a photographer, or a saleswoman, or all of these... or none of these... but knowing that it's nothing greater or less... because God takes pleasure in ME..
i want reality.
i want to live an authentic life. i want to know God for myself. i want to live true from my heart. i want to give myself to what He intended and not what someone else has dreamed for me. (what i end up doing may be something someone has dreamt for me, but i want to hear Him commission me, rather than riding on the prophecies of others)... i want to be obedient to Him and do as He says, rather than jumping on the next wagon that seems to be going to higher places and making bigger impact.. i want to read the bible and listen to the Holy Spirit, and know what christianity is, not just hear others telling me what it is...
what has God told you? and what have you heard from others regarding what God has said? sometimes it's easy to base our whole life (what we think our calling is, what we strive for, and our measure of success/failure) on other people's prophecies, and even the theology of a ministry... rather than tucking away and listening to God and searching out the Word ourselves... (not that I'm saying people prophesying over you is a bad thing - i do it all the time, or that i'm saying teachings are bad... all these things are awesome and used to exhort and train the body of Christ...) however it's just the challenge of also hearing it for yourself, and not depending on other's experiences or words..
because when it all comes down to it... when things are shaken whether that's a ministry, a person, a movement, a career... (if this is what has been girding me up).. it's going to result in much confusion, offense and a loss of purpose.. we need to hear from God. I need to hear from God.
it's like John 4 when the samaritans say to the samaritan woman "we no longer believe because you told us, but we have heard Him for ourselves and we believe." i want to hear Him for myself.. it would be a success to me to have a vibrant heart, filled with the knowledge of His will... knowing Him and His plans... because He told me in the secret place... this is my goal..
-court
